What Is Your Cuppa Tea?

How many of you like ( if you aready use us) or would prefer to get coaching & counseling from the comfort of your home via email, IM, IMO, Skype, Telephone etc..instead of going into a doctors office each week?

About 1/3 of all those in need of help with a mental health, addiction , behavioral, or coaching needs NEVER seek help simply due to the fear of doctors offices, social phobias , embarrassment , cost or other reasons.

We are here to step in the gap for those of you who want and need help but arent getting it.

Why havent you contacted us ?

Do it today ! Take your life back even if you start in your robe and slippers!!

If you or someone you know needs help but wont reach out through the publc settings, get in touch today – no matter what the issue may be. We have and only use experts who have proven to be very effective in the shortest period of time-  whether therapuetic counseling or coaching, no matter the age or gender.

It doesnt matter the issue from depression to domestic violence, kids having trouble in school, meds, parenting, addiction or whatever.

We can help.

We will work a plan out for your budget and you never have to leave home!

Contact us today;

386-675-7202

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Or email tjpettri6@gmail.com.

Today could be the first day of the rest of your life! Its up to you now…

Tomorrow Is Not Promised…Say It Today.

Moms are not replaceable…they rarely get the love the give out so freely.

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If you must take someone for granted in this life make sure it is not your mother. Mom, the one who believed in you when most had given up. The only person who walks toward you when you find yourself in a dirty mess while the rest fade into the darkness.

The picture here is of my mom and I this Christmas at a dinner. Pretty common right? Not in this case. One week before this picture was taken, my mom suffered a heart attack and had emergency heart surgery. I did not know if I would even see her on this earth again, never mind having a Christmas meal out with her after that

Today Is The Day.

Today, not tomorrow, tell your mom how much you love her and appreciate all the times she stood by you in the dark times and still managed to tell you convincingly that you would make it and that you will succeed. 

After all, you may not have that opportunity tomorrow…

Tj

 

Never A Dull Moment In My World…Really!

I gave up decades ago even sharing with close friends the goings on in my life. Why? Simple; They didnt believe me, or  simply couldn’t process the idea that these occurrences would be continuous in one person’s life.

Some of the incidents in our family are common like divorce, diseases, abuse and even our tragic times like my brothers suicide and lots of death in general.

I quickly learned that most things are better left to the family. However , sometimes I just got to let it out! Thats where blogging has been therapeutic for me. Last week or so I mentioned I was exhausted from keeping on top of the pedo-priest deal but happy that somebody busted it wide open. The official in Pennsylvania just blew it out of the water with his huge announcement in August.

We needed a break like that.

Thank God most states are following suit and investigating seriously the huge racket of pedophilia in the church.

But, today I’m sharing a different side  of things that I suspect many of you can relate to in your own way.

Battling a group of freaks as powerful and wealthy and nasty as some of Catholic church can be dangerous. I have been in this field long enough to know when you ruffle feathers, you better prepare for war, both *spiritually and naturally.

( *shout out to my atheist friends btw..just ignore that  ” spiritual” reference..lol you all know I love ya..)

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Since the year I really started digging my heals in the whole thing I have been attacked from so many directions its hard to keep up. It becomes a way of life. You may lose friends, family and even spouses over it.

(I mean thats what I hear)

But as many of of you all know, when you just know in your knower that you cannot be silent about an issue…you cannot back down…its no longer a choice.

For me it was letting innocent kids become suicidal due to the sick pleasures of thousands of perverts in the church-  I have no choice.

Recently as I was preparing to gather some documents for reporters off my email and files would you believe just coincidentally ( yeah right) I found myself totally locked out of my email, files and somehow at the same time my cellphone carrier ” accidently”did a FACTORY RESET on my cell!!!

If you dont know what that is,  it basically means all the info and documents on your phone go bye – bye. For good.

Since I couldn’t get access to my cell phone now I was locked out of-  I wasn’t able to reset my password for my Gmail because Google requires you to have the current phone number and get a text on it which means I was completely locked out and still am of all the documents I had. Fortunately this blog has been a lifesaver in that area because I posted almost all the things I had … statements, emails from officials etc…

I posted most on this blog so they’re all public anyway.

Whatever was behind that – it didn’t work – but it sure was stressful and still is stressful.

By the way I am well aware I’m not the only person that goes through times like this and I know that people have things even worse much worse than I do,  I’m not here to claim I’ve got the toughest life I’m sure many of you can relate in your own way to what I’m saying.

So just as I was kind of catching my breath after that incident.. Yesterday brought to surface an entirely different issue from an angle I never expected ..

My mother didn’t feel good and she’s always feeling good but I knew something was wrong and insisted she go to the ER. as it turns out  I was overreacting it was just a heart attack.

She only had a heart attack. Of course to my mom it’s like it’s no big deal “I just had a little heart attack they put a stent in and I’ll be okay and home in a few days”

” By the way son did you remember to take the recycle bin out?”

Me-” Yes momma, I got all 4 plastic milk containers in the bin”

It’s driving me crazy…and that’s not a very long trip in my state of mind right now LOL.

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I  watched the movie called Flawless the other day with Demi Moore and Michael Caine,  during the movie they were having a conversation about how nothing worth doing is ever about the money and it struck a chord with me. It is very true.

The last decade or so life has seemed almost unbearable in so many different aspects and yet there’s no turning back.

I think many many people reading this can understand that-  whatever your journey and your battle has been,  so just keep your eye on the prize and never never never never give up- and  never count on anybody else to lift you up and push you and motivate you while your surpassing anything they’ve ever attempted.

Finish Strong.

Well they are calling me back to my unit now-  so gotta go.

Peace

Tj

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This One Stung Me From Behind..

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At the end of the day it’s never the hurtful words of my enemies that get to me. At the end of the day it’s the silence of my friends that hurts the most.

 

Tj

 

 

 

 

Song For Today Is Not The Usual Upbeat One- But One I Have Listened To Over And Over…As Of Late..

Sometimes the music we like or that touches us is not associated with positive things…

Mercy- The Song

 

 

Don’t You Dare. Unless You Been There. Just Dont…

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Don’t you dare tell somebody suffering from the disease of addiction that they need to “snap out of it” or think about their family- unless you been there. Do you understand that no addict has ever asked or wanted or desired to be in addict? Has it ever occurred to you that addicts at some point in their life  usually go through periods where they feel like they might as well take their life because they’re causing more pain then good?

Don’t you dare talk to the clinically -major depressed person and tell them that we all go through sad times and they need to fight through it and buck up- and just work their way through it. Have you ever been so physically- emotionally- mentally paralyzed you wanted to move and do things but you couldn’t even get your socks on and think straight and find any reason why you should even wake up the next morning? Have you ever had your children ask you how come you can’t work right now? How come you’re not working like everybody else and they think it’s because you’re lazy when they have no idea that you haven’t slept more than 30 minutes in a month?

Don’t you dare tell somebody they need to pray more and obey God and that’s why they’re having problems in their life when you don’t have any idea how much time they put into prayer and bible study or whatever to seek God in their life -probably more than you ever will even think about doing.

Dont you dare point your finger at someone who has lost everything because of a disease that put them in the hospital for years of surgeries and even had their own spouses walk out on them because they got sick due to no cause of their own. Have you ever felt so depleted that you feel like everything you try to do is 10x harder in life- then had the people who supposedly love you point their finger at you about the hardship you have caused- over and over? Then Dont.

Dont you dare coach someone on how to get re-established in the workforce and income when you have no idea that your 2 hours a day spent sending out resumes is a damn joke compared to the all night sessions for months with no sleep putting together resumes and sending out proposals – networking and doing 10x more than you to find work?

Just Dont.

Dont you dare take advantage of someone elses misfortune by exploiting them or pressing them for that 100$ they owe you- unless you have been through the same misfortune. If you are a parent dont you ever use your spouses situations to manipulate your kids into thinking that you just dont care. You are an evil person who will not go unpunished.

Had a few rough days? Maybe a funeral for a family member got you down? Dont you dare walk around claiming you have Bipolar Disorder because a few mood swings have come your way. Believe me – you dont want to know what that is really like. Unless you have sufferred to the extent and length of time of the other- keep it zipped.

Dont you dare question the PTSD symptoms of someone who has lived through more in a year than you have in your life. Why are the vets who come home totally disabled and suicidal condsidered heroes but you tell your loved one to ” buck up” and move forward?  Have you grown up in an alcoholic, abusive, violent environment and gone on to live through a family members suicide, full blown addiction, major depression that 20 different medications didnt touch, been struck down with a disease that put you in the hospital for 6-7 surgeries over 4 years that caused you to have to tell your kids they cant live in their house anymore? Then Dont.

I have lived through all of those things and let me tell you it sucks to have especially the ones you love and thought loved you bail out and mock your situation- compare you to others who have never been through any of it. Oh, and the above is only a shortlist- a partial listing of the things some of us have lived through. I dont ever talk about the REAL serious stuff- lest someone suggest I am looking for pity. I dont want anyones pity.

But I am not afraid to give an occasional reality check to those who need it.

Its really something to spend the first 20 years in your career working for peanuts but choosing a profession that is designed to help others. Making yourself available 24/7 for anyone who is suicidal or just needs help and then fast forward to a period in your own life when you walk through even darker and longer times than those you helped- yet those who even know this have the stones to criticize you.

If you are one of those people- here is a word of advice-

-STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE-

If you feel the need to address the issues in someone elses life that you are not familiar with-

Shut up and help.

Peace

tj

This Just In! Kid Behaving Nicely! It Still Happens!

Still Some Good Stock Around…

 

Click the link above. It will renew your faith in parents who still raise their kids right.

 

 

I Was Not Going To Share This But It Is Still Bothering Me.. So See What You Think. FB Lady Calls Me A Pervert.

 

 

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A few days ago I was invited to a FB group that focuses on depression and anxiety and all. I offered up my site for articles and my contacts for personal help. Everyone was happy to see some help arrive since all they all do basically is get on each night and complain how miserable their lives are.

Everyone was happy except one lady who decided to make a comment about a picture I posted of me and my daughter. She said ” I wonder if he is a pervert ?”

I cannot tell you how many words I had in my mind to respond. But I held back on all that- and just called her a bitch. . Was I out of line?

I am very easy to get along with but mess with my family and its on.

Ok I vented so any input?

tj

Parenting 101 ( + 1/2)… How You Gain And Retain Respect From Your Children.

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Hey you parents! Listen up I got something real good for ya!

Its been awhile since I have written on parenting. Some recent events have prompted me to write a post one of what I consider most of the biggest issues in parenting today-Respect.

For those who have been with me awhile you know that a major part of my life as a social worker has been teaching parenting. I did not learn what I know about this from one of my degrees or any formal education. My learning was experience in life first as a foster parent to over 40 teens, then as a parent to my 4 children.

I say this so if you do not know me, you can trust what I am saying to be true. So here we go with the issue of respect.

In every parenting class I have taught, parent I have worked with in counseling settings and in all of my 20 years in social work I have seen this issue of how to gain and maintain the respect of your child. You see, people generally err on the side of ” strictness” and yelling and screaming at their kids, or they err on the other side, which is that they roll over and become a living breathing doormat for their children.

The first type lean towards emotional abuse, and actually tear down confidence in the child, and occasionally out of sheer fear they obey…until they cannot take it anymore and they rebel completely. Those abusive parent yelling at kids all the time parties do not last long before one or both sides blow a gasket.

The second type, the doormats are the one who we see in public and listen to their teens call them names and curse and them as if they were buddies having an argument. Here is a memo to you parents this just in -YOU ARE NOT YOUR CHILD’S BUDDY! You are not there to be a punching bag or to be a negotiator with your kid. You are there to set boundaries, teach skills, and issue correction and reward depending on the circumstance.

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The biggest problem with parents in the first category os their pride. They feel like if they want to verbally abuse their kid, its their right. Even though they are getting ZERO respect from the child in his heart, they cannot overcome their temper tantrums and learn to speak with their kids in a normal voice tone no matter what the issue. Here is the trick- Let the consequence do the work. The advantage of having rules is that when one is broken you can already have consequences that are natural and logical in place.

For example, if my son gets an hour per school night, after his homework to play video games, and I see that its been 2 hours and he has taken advantage of me, I do not need to get “mad” at him. i need to teach him responsibility. I would say “Hey Johnny, sorry that you chose to use 2 hours up on your video games on a school night, so tomorrow you lost your video privileges . Try to remember next time, ok buddy. I love you, goodnite.”

END OF STORY.

There is no need for some long drug out fight where you wear each other down until one gives in or up. If you have taught your child how to speak to you whether getting a reward or a consequence, giving a consequence should never be a problem.

The moral of this story is you MUST have boundaries that are very clear and understood by both sides, and you NEVER bend the rules because they cry loud, call you a rotten parent or whatever. If you have never been hated by your child at some point, you have never been a parent.

Now this next part is even more important than anything I have said, and I am going to end with it. If you never learn anything about parenting again, remember this one thing.

You MUST believe that your child wants boundaries. They WANT boundaries. We all want boundaries. If I got on the expressway tomorrow and a new sign read,

” NEW LAW-NO RULES TO THE ROAD”,

I would be scared out of my mind to drive with some of the crazy drivers out there. If I went to look at a 50th floor condo and took a walk out the sliding door to see the balcony view out and the long way down, there better be a little fence or railing there to protect me! I am not walking out any balcony 50 floors up with no fence.

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Why? Is the fence that’s made of weak aluminum and stands 4 feet tall really going to stop me from falling or leaning over it? Of course not. But it sure makes me feel better that it is there!

In the same way your child wants boundaries to feel secure. They will never come up to you and say “can you please issue a few more rules for me dad?” However you must understand that after working with thousands of kids and parents, that those “cool ” and “easy” parents that let their kid do all the stuff they aren’t supposed to and talk to them like a buddy- guess what mom and dad ? When they are done using you and they are with their buddies, you’re a sucker, not a cool parent. When it comes to their security, you have given them zero.

Don’t ever kid yourself and think you can make up for lost ground or “get in good ” with your kid by bending the rules. All you’re doing is writing the word sucker on your back. No respect at all. You know who gets the respect? The parent who despite the pleading, whining or whatever refuses to change the rules. That my friends is what makes a kid feel safe.

It is a child’s job to test boundaries. My son Jesse ( he doesn’t read my stuff) is 20. When he was 4-6 years old he was the master of testing limits. I mean you draw a line at the beach and say “y’all can play as much as you want just stay in these boundaries”, he was the first one, always to almost run to that line and just barely slip his toe over it to see if I meant what I said. Boy oh boy, if you are a parent you know how much easier sometimes when you are tired to just give in and let it go.

But you cannot. You know why? You are making more work for yourselves when they get older and the issues are about using your truck, or prom night. You want them to know boundaries before the big show.

If you want respect from your child, you must play the parent. Doing the above, how I explained if you are not already will improve your life dramatically and your relationship with your children.

I hope this is helpful!

TJ

What Exactly Is ” Displaced Anger?” And Are You Guilty Of It?

We have all heard the term ” displaced anger” before at some point. The question is, what is it, really? Some people might answer that it’s like stubbing your toe on the way into your house after work, and when your kid runs up and tries to hug you, you raise your voice and tell them get away for a minute because you are in too much pain to be rational. I suppose on the surface that could pass for an example.

What I am talking about is a deep-rooted bitter angry feeling that is brought on by certain triggers, and the people around you must suffer the consequences. When I was about 10-14 years old, I was a very angry kid. I was not the type to take other kid’s lunch money or start fights everyday. I did however feel that under the right circumstances, I was capable of really doing some damage to others. I already was with my words and cut downs and all that. At the time I had no idea that my sense of anger had to do with my life, my family, my absentee father and all the terrible abuse and violence I witnessed along with suicide and other things all before 12.

Years ago in college we were studying the topic and it all started to make sense to me. I had hurt so many people in my younger years because I myself was very wounded. Even in my late teens or early twenties I can remember going bowling or golfing with family or friends. If I hit just one or two bad shots in a row, that would prevent me from breaking my own record, I would throw a tantrum the size of a 19-year-old. I would not speak to anyone for hours while they enjoyed the game, i would just mope. It really bothered me but I had no clue how to get rid of it. Truly it was not any college degrees that got me out of it. What finally made me realize just how idiotic I looked was when I became a foster parent to 6 teenagers for 5 years.

You want to talk about displaced anger?? Wow these kids rocked my world the first year as I was totally unprepared for what their awful lives had turned them into. It was when I had to point out all the time to them that their behavior to another was uncalled for and unfair, and ruthless sometimes even bringing others to tears for something they had no involvement in. Ouch. It really started hitting home that I was them and they were me. However this time I could track the reasons. I could read their files and see who beat them or raped them in their life. It answered many questions for me about me.

I can honestly say that today it is very rare for me to take my anger out on anyone that had nothing to do with my problem in the first place. It took a mirror image of myself over and over each day to catch on to what I had been doing.

I was truly hurt and angry now, be sure of that. However when I sat down over time with a trusted friend of mine several times and went over my life and issues, I was able to take the feedback I needed. I needed to both subconsciously and consciously wipe away the anger directed to people who had nothing to do with it. Next I needed to choose how to deal with the person who really did hurt me or in my case people who had hurt me at a young age.

Should I get in their face and let them have it? Blame them for my issues and leave mad?

After discussing the options with my buddy ( also a therapist ) we decided that in the case of my dad it would do me more harm than good to talk with him, It had been decades since we spoke. However I was not off the hook. We decided a straight forward letter to him would be in order mentioning the hurtful things that caused me so much pain and shame.

However to my dismay, my buddy said that in order for me to be released from the bondage of bitterness ( unforgiveness breeds bitterness) I would have to tell him in the letter that I was hereby forgiving him for any time he accused me, abused me, beat me, or hurt me.

What??? Forgive him? Surely you jest I thought.

Nope. It was real.

I did the letter and then over time went on and thought about anyone who had ever hurt me and decided to forgive them as well. I did not have to go in person I could make it a prayer even, but my heart must be genuine as we cannot trick God. He knows whether we really are forgiving or not. By the way I never said we must forget. Just forgive.

These days I walk around without this 300lb bag of bitterness wrapped around my heart with a wick on it ready to explode at any time. I was set free of the hurt as I set others free in my own heart and to God.

I could write pages on this, but I really think the main message has already been addressed. Its action time. Or its time to stay bitter and enjoy that more.

Maybe this is for just one person who is struggling today with an issue like this. If that is the case it well worth posting. I can tell you that God’s ability to heal memories is much greater than man’s ability to inflict pain.

Why not set yourself free today? I bet you never go back.

Visualize Whirled Peas.

TJ

Call Me Soft- My Pick For This Month In Music- But Before You Mock Me- Watch It..

Blake & Christina Bring It With I’m Just A Fool-

 

Usually it’s Tom Petty or Switchfoot I put up as a recent song that was powerful to me. This month its an unlikely pair when it comes to music styles. Blake Shelton who is 100% country and self proclaimed redneck paired with glitz and glam New York style’s Christina Aguilera. I have no idea how I stumbled across it but when I saw those two holding microphones next to each other I knew Christina was not about to jump into a chew tobacco tune with Blake. I have to  admit the first time I watched them sing it, the word powerful came to mind. It could be just me, but I doubt it. Check it out by clicking on the link above!

TJ

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Don’t Label My Kid! – In The News!

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When Dr John DeGarmo contacted me about possibly contributing a piece for his upcoming December Blog Posting, I was without words. It’s not often you get an invitation from the guru of your trade to actually share your expertise. With more accolades and accomplishments in the Foster Care field than anyone I have known, I was caught off guard to say the least. I can honestly say that Dr. John and his wife are the only couple I know of who have had more foster kids live with them than I.

I have had 45! To be asked to give my opinion on an issue that is constantly under scrutiny by state and federal regulators was very satisfying and meant a lot to me.

I am glad to share both a proud moment of his – him and his wife being recognized by none other than Good Morning America and a very proud moment for myself, being honored as the guest poster on his incredible blog. First watch the clip below of GMA rightfully recognizing Dr. John’s work, and then please take a moment to read my first published post on his website. I am looking forward to working with Dr. Degarmo on future endeavors to keep the voice of children in need of parents alive..

TJ

Good Morning America Recognizes The DeGarmos!

http://www.drjohndegarmofostercare.com/blog/guest-blog-normalization-for-kids-in-care-by-tj-petri

Visit Dr DeGarmos Site-  http://www.drjohndegarmofostercare.com/

Shop his store for a variety of his books, training materials, and look into his many webinars. He is also available for Foster Parent Coaching, and a myriad of consultative needs as well as conference leader/ keynote speaker at your next conference or gathering, The DeGarmos are trailblazers and their message needs to be heard!

 

A Way To Remember Daddy..

The last few times I have been out with my little baby girls who are not grown yet, just 5 & 10 years old, I have had constant thoughts about the power of the father daughter relationship and I wonder how I am really doing to build that foundation with my own daughters and how they will feel about us when they are grown. My boys are now 20 and 23 so those days are long over. I know where I stand and what I did right and where I came up short. Even so , those are boys. That is a whole different animal. The boys are more resilient when it comes to our relationship. Not quite as sensitive about mistakes I have made and seem to be able to focus on good times and remember what was really strong about our relationship and still is.

For example even with all my mistakes and problems when my boys were little, I still am very happy with how our relationship is today. They had to witness some not so pretty times in my life. The tail end of my treatment for addiction was occurring right in front of their eyes. They had to go through a divorce as toddlers those horrible times when I am dropping them off at mom’s house and they grab my ankle tight and scream ” I don’t want you to go” with fountains of tears pouring out of their little eyes. I remember more tear filled drives home alone during those times then not. I had to decide what I was going to do about the situation to try to preserve our future. The last thing I wanted was for them to get older and have their mom start rambling on about what a failure and addict I was when they were little.

So in that case I decided that there were two things I could do to minimize the potential for that since I could not erase the truth.The first thing I decided to do was as soon as they were old enough to understand I sat them down for a family meeting, just us. I poured out all the dirt. I told them of my struggles, how I was dealing with it and even the consequences I had suffered as a result the problems. I did not sugar coat anything but took full responsibility for it all.

It did not make anything go away, but looking back I was teaching them a valuable lesson about ownership, about humility and most of all about forgiveness. There were times they heard and saw things that a 4 year and 6-year-old should not see. After owning it all I asked them for forgiveness, and told them what my plan of action was to try to prevent that from occurring  again. To my surprise the response was better than I thought. I felt and still feel a sense of respect that I  earned from them, more so now that they are older for coming clean  and owning my own behavior.

I still wish they did not have to see me like I was at my lowest going to rehab and all that jazz. I was a sight for sore eyes. However I will say that to this day neither of them has ever brought it up or tried to use it against me. Better yet their mother could not do that either. I spoiled her plan to talk bad about me the rest of their lives, by talking bad about myself first. That took the wind out of her sails for that plan anyhow. The other thing I decided to do after the asking for forgiveness, was I decided to insert something unique, like a special thing that was just between us to replace the negative. I just wanted them to love me and know how very ,much I loved them. 

I began making a point of doing something I never experienced as a child, something to reassure them of my love for them even during the trials they had been through. I decide to go against the ” man grain” and be a super affectionate dad, and made a vow that every time I saw them or left them I would hug them, kiss them, and make them look me in the eye as I told them I loved them. All through middle and high school that’s how it was. I was not obnoxious about, you should know.

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I did not cramp their style or embarrass them in front of their friends, I acted in a way that was appropriate for their ages. Instead of a full body hug and big kiss on the cheek in high school we had “code” for our ” I love You’s ” and our giant hugs.

In high school when I was around their friends or dropping them off at an event where kids could hear and see, we had this kind of standing  half- hug- half body bump  thing that basketball players were doing all the time to take the place of me on my knees with my arms wrapped around them hugging them. lol.

The ” I love you” became ” you too” . So when we were leaving each other there was a body bump and a “me too”.  To my great pleasure as they got older and out of high school our communicating that we loved each other did not fade, it got stronger. To this day every single time I talk to the boys on the phone we say the words. No matter where they are, out-of-state for the military, or my youngest son may be in any of the 50 states at any given time due to his career as a professional rodeo bull rider, at the conclusion of our call they always say ” Ok love you”  before they hang up. Always. It may not seem like a big deal but believe me after sitting across the table years before pouring my shame and problems out to them, I was not sure if they would want to even claim me as their dad.

Oh How Things Change With Girls!

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So I have these two little girls you know . I love them so very much and they are sweet girls. They are so agreeable with almost everything I say. I mean just the other day my 10-year-old agreed via a ” Pinky Promise”  that there will be ” No dates til 28!” What a sweetheart. I know she will stick to it too. I mean we all know little girls do not lie. Especially to their daddy. I am so relieved that I do not have to start going out on dates with her and any boy until she is 28! What a peace of mind to know that..

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So with the girls it is a different scenario because they are so very different then the boys. So very sensitive and so open to hurt in their heart. Ever since those girls were born into this world I have felt like those two are my actual heart , divided in two pieces in the form of a couple little girls. Everything that happens to them happens to me. Every time they feel pain, I do too. I try to avoid any extra pain for them as much as possible.

Lets just say it is a whole lot different then when the boys were young, they would almost weekly walk in the door from school or playing outside with a new injury. Sprained ankles, chipped teeth , I recall Jesse with two nose breaks before second grade. It never ended. I can picture hearing one of them yell from their room;

” Dad, my ankle is purple and swollen like 2x normal size and my little toe is broke”

My response? ” There is some ice in the cooler, did you do your homework yet?”

And Life With Girls Now….

Not so much with my girls. The other day after school my oldest was eating a sandwich and I guess she accidentally put a little pepper or onion or something she normally does not eat on it.  Not knowing this  I walked by the table and noticed her eyes were red so I stopped to find out what was going on.

But then when I noticed a tear drop coming from my angel’s eye   I lost it…

I was like ” Emily what is it just tell me, did some boy at school say something to you?

Just give me his name honey don’t you worry that pretty little face .. I’ll teach someone what its like when you make my daughter cry!

It did occur to me a little later that my responses to my sons back in the day varied slightly from how it goes with my daughter.

So yes there are major differences in the way dads react and think of the different ways of boys and girls. Even so I still carried on the tradition of the hug and kiss and ” I love you” each time we part ways and I will tell you this, If I forget once to say It as we part ways, my 10 year old will call me out on it. She does this by repeating what I should have said until I catch on and actually say it..like this

” umm dad? I love you Emmy”  then repeat and repeat until I say ” I love you Emmy” . You know what? I am proud that she reminds me. It means it means something to her. Something I started as a parent is actually turning out good! Even in the midst of storms and trials little things like making sure you have told your children you love them is so critical. it just does not happen enough , at least in my world.

Now before you think I am some kind of monster by the way I blew my son’s sprained ankle off but wa so concerned about  my daughter’s tear-you should know a few things before you start accusing me of favoritism with my sweet angels over the boys.

1- When I realized Jesse’s ankle was truly sprained or broke, I personally got him ice.  Also, I gave him an extra day to wash my truck as that was his day to do it. So you see I have a soft heart for all.

2, You did not see just how BIG of a tear was coming from Emily’s eye. You would have panicked too. Honestly if it was not for me taking her for ice cream and finishing her homework for her that night, she told me herself she would still be bawling! I had to do something.

Well, at least they all say they love me. That is worth it all.

So as I end this I want to share a thought I had a month or so ago during of those times I was just sitting at the park watching the girls play. It has not left me and I think I am going to do this not only for my children but possibly offer it as a service to families down the road who just like the idea. It is likely something you will immediately gravitate towards, or you may just shrug your shoulders and feel like ” whatever floats your boat” ….

I  truly think this idea would and could change and help a lot of people when the time comes in our lives when we will be forced to leave our children on this earth as we age out and expire into eternity. I know that I am for sure going to do it for my kids.

Over the years in my work, I have been involved in my share of family tragedies and deaths of parents, some just were old and died and some taken suddenly. The one thing I notice that is always present during these times is families talking to the siblings about how much their mom or dad loved them and cared about  them. Sadly,  I have sensed doubt in eyes of the children sometimes who left the last time with dad on bad terms, or maybe it just seemed like daddy like the older brother better so the younger sibling lives his life believing he was 2nd best son to his father.

Worse yet on occasion a sudden death of the father in the family will occur tight in the middle of a huge argument between two sides of the family and they are not on speaking terms. I have seen more than not at funerals or get together after a death children thinking back to their childhood days trying to think of some good thing to say about how much pop loved all the kids, as evidenced by the time he _______________ ( you fill in the blank)

The problem is often there just are not a lot of good memories fresh on your mind when an older man like a dad dies. Perhaps like my grandfather who loved me dearly and took me everywhere all the time while he was well, things changed a bit when illness set in. With Alzheimer’s or any sickness the elderly suffer from near end of life, you may hear your beloved father look you in the eye and tell you he has always thought of you as a jackass your entire life! What then?

Or as the daughter is trying to have a last conversaation with daddy in the nursing home before he passes away, maybe he will look at her and tell her she is a no good whore. That she only got married because she got ” Knocked up”!

You think I exaggerate? I am likely making light of the situaiton. In almost every single nursing home around the world, there are dads who are on their way out who have all nbut lost their minds. During the sibling last month seeing him alive they are more likely to hear what a dissappointment they have been or be cursed at than be told hwo much they are loved. So considering all these points and also considering what my girls would be thinking if I was taken to heaven suddenly? Howcan I be sure they will remember hjow proud I am of them and of their accomplishemnts? I cannot. But I could!

So here is the idea I am considering with a partner. We think it would be really neat if dads, or moms could call us up when they are in their golden years or maybe in some cases when their health is going south and they can make sure that when they can no longer express their love for their children and other loved ones ( or in  my case just in case something happened to me unexpectedly) .

We believe that children especially at anby age would benefit in a huge way after losing a parent to click a cd of their mom or dad telling them of their love for them and reminding them of some of the special times they had and try to encourage the family to remember the good stuff instead of only going through the mourning process with not much positive going on in that process.  One neat feature is that we would get all the contact information of the immediate family when we made the tape and ask the persons social worker, caregiver, pastor , or others to make us aware when a condition worsens for a patient, so we can be ready to share the tape with the family at just time.

Usually, as in the movie The Ultimate Gift with James Garner, any tapes after death are about wills and momey or who gets what. This often makes things even worse during an already sad time. For people like myself who just want my kids to be able to hear my voice and see my face again if something happened to me while I was young, this could be an even more powerful tool. When a child loses a parent unexpectedly there is an emotional and physical loss that is tremendous. No more tucking in or night time hugs or taking them to school or contact period.

To be able to put the tape in every day if need be for awhile for a 10 year old would be a huge comfort. To hear the same words in the same voice from your daddy telling you how proud he is and how much he loves them. In the cases of Christians the parent would emphasize the fact that eternity is awaiting all of them and eternity together is the long term plan. The hope something like this could provide a child wouldl be very helpful in my opinion. We all have seen people who have lost a loved one go and try and find something, anything to hold that reminds them of the loved one who died. That is evidence that there is a desire to be close and to be near to that loved one. What better way than to hear directly fromt them?

Anyhow, If anyone has any interest on being involved from a business stamdpoint, I would be open to talking to a private businessman or woman who would like to partner with me on this as I have several other responsibilities including the entire team at Dont Label My Kid! and all the projects we are working on, the blogs and magazine and all that needs continous effort that goes into these things.

I dont need any  contacts for dispensing the product and getting the word out as I am connected to hundreds of nursing and retirement homes where much of this would be focused on. I would be interested strictly in a partner as a silent partner / investor.

I hope you all consider what your childrens needs would be if something were to happen to you. As parents I know you would do anything to ease their pain. I know it is not pleasent to think about but it is reality. We are not promised tomorrow .

Look at it like fire insurance, you have to get it but hope you never need it.

Send any inquiries or feedback to tim@dontlabelmykid.com and if you are interested in partnering with usin the way I mentioned, you can call me on my cell at 386-675-7549.

God Bless everyone- Have a great week!

Tj

Why We Believe What We Do? You Sure About That? I Bet Not…

I have always been fascinated with finding out why people believe the things they do. Working as a behaviorist only made that desire to know stronger because I got to learn so much about why we do and say and believe the things we do. It amazes me even still 20 years later how a sa society we just ” assume ‘ that whatever we hear or see on television or in the paper is gospel truth. How far from the truth that really is. Actually we likely are being played most of the time we read or see something in the media, which is known as ” spin”.

However here now I am talking about things we personally have adopted as truth. For example if you have followed me for any time and read my home page about mental health and the DSM with all of its ” disorders”  you know  that even though that book all the doctors use to diagnose us with disorders and medicate us is called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Of Mental Health disorders, there is not 1 single statistic in it!

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Every single ” disorder” in there was made up by a group of doctors who get together every 4-5 years and just make new ones up, then take a vote to see if it should be added or not the DSM. Its 100% theory. Not a scientific fact for any mental health disorder in there. Now that you know that, how might you feelings change when you take little Jimmy to the psychiatrist and the doctor says he has ” intermittent explosive disorder” and “anti-social personality disorder”- and writes him for an anti-psychotic drug? It happens by the thousands each day. How many parents do you think question the whole thing, or bring up the fact that they are all blind guesses anyhow? Not too many. They do not know. Unless someone like me ( who they like none too much) puts it out there for the public to see the average person just assumes that if a doctor said it is real, it must be.

Actually just the other day this older lady approached me and asked ” Do you think Bi-polar can go away? ” 

I looked at her shakng my head and said ” I dont know ma’am , Im not even sure when it got here”.

I am not focusing on mental health now though. Take almost anything we do , habits or whatever, they came from somewhere. I tell the story of a young bride who was cooking up Easter dinner with her mom one year. The mom took a big knife and cut the end of the ham bone clean off. So the daughter says, ” why did you do that”? Mom looks at her funny and says ” Oh I don’t know honey that is just how we have always cooked our ham and it’s always good” ! So a few minutes later the mom cannot shake that question so she picks up the phone and calls her mom. She asks her mom why they cut the ham bone off the ham before cooking it. The grandmother says ” Oh honey how do I know it must have been part of a recipe or something”. Now both the daughter and mother are even more curious, so they decided to call the great-grandmother and ask her. They get her on the line and ask her too, ” Granny why is it for 60 years we cut the ham bone off the ham each year at Easter before cooking it?”

The great granny pauses and says ” Honey I don’t know why y’all are cutting the bone. We cut the bone because our pan was too small to hold it.

jehovah witness

A few years ago I was approached by a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses outside of a grocery store. As dedicated as ever, they politely asked if they could share their message with me. I said sure and let them go through what they had been trained to say over at the kingdom hall. When they got near the grand finale they reminded me that the bible actually says in Revelations that only 144,000 people will be going to heaven. Next they offered me a spot, if I became a Jehovah’s Witness. So I looked at them and said, ” can you tell me what year the Jehovah’s Witness religion was founded? They glanced at each other than took a quick peek at their notes. The first guy said ” yes sir, around 1850″. I said ” Ok, but let me ask you, did all the millions and millions of people who were long gone before 1850 go to hell? Not a one was a JW.”

They had not got the training on that one so they quickly mounted the shiny bikes and headed for an easier target. The point is these guys were sincerely trying to do good and make a difference but had no clue as to why they were saying what they were saying.

This happens in our lives each day and we all fall for it at some point in our lives. When is it time we do our own research and homework? Maybe our way of thinking is kind of like the ham bone story. Or maybe we are 100% set in our beliefs on something that we truly only believe because grandpa told us.

Sometimes the issues are harmless like the ham bone, and it’s really not a big deal if we are a little off . On the other hand , some of what we profess may have consequences here on earth, or worse yet eternally. I highly recommend knowing why you believe what you believe When it’s all said and done, there are some things we will not be able to blame on granny or grandpa when we should have done the research as adults.  Some things we should be very sure we know that we know that we know we have the truth. What are those things in your life?

TJ

You Or Your Children Need Help. Something Has To Change. Psychiatrist? Psychologist? Therapist? Police ? ( if in danger) What To Do Before Blindly Talking To Anyone For Intervention.

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Boy and girl (5-7 years) tying mother with rope in living room

When it comes time to intervention in your life or your children’s life, it is not something to take lightly. It’s not like going to a grocery store and decided afterwords you want to go to several more stores before buying. All mental health workers from therapists to doctors are trained in their particular flavor of how to find something wrong with you. This is how they get paid. Go to a psychiatry office you will walk out with a script and a diagnoses. The odds are better than not that you will leave with  a new label of some source that like it or not will attach itself to you for life.

Go to a psychologist and you will likely get some reason that you need to come 1-2x per week to get to” what is underneath all this” and spend a ton of money to lay on a couch or sit in a chair for a long time to be reminded of how miserable your life was/is.

Go to a behaviorist like myself and you will likely get a plan of action using behavioral techniques and rewards to attempt at changing behavior. You always go to the least restrictive first. In this case the behaviorist. You NEVER want to have you or your child locked up or labeled for life because you didn’t do your homework. If you have not read my homepage, go back now and read it to get an understanding of how the system works. You may be quite surprised.  The main page article called “Mental Health Is Driving Me Crazy” is the post to read or this may not make as much sense. I promise you won’t regret it.

Time to Evaluate Clock Review or Assessment Management

I have spent more than 20 years of my life working with  troubled kids, teens and their parents in every possible demographic. I have not only been a part of the professional team but was fortunate to move up quickly in 9/10 companies. After spending many years on the front lines and just as many in management, I was blessed to be asked to start a school in Florida for expelled felons. These students had not only been expelled from public school, but then got themselves kicked out of the alternative school where kids must go if they get expelled from public school. 

I was asked if I could do anything to help them and I knew with my Boys Town training and my hands on experience I could do it. I did and I won awards and all . But the most important task I had to train our teachers was to catch the kids doing something right all day each day instead of a day full criticism at an already over medicated and tired group

I named this blog over four years ago Don’t Label My Kid! for a reason. It was not just a cute title to me. It was symbolic of what clearly is one of the top issues we need to addressed, labeling people in general.

Over the next 4 years I targeted a certain audience to reach. Those are families in need of assistance but many times have no clue what to do. Usually they see a television show with guests that have all got the same disorder Parents look to neighbors, friends and sometimes strangers for feedback on how to cope and deal with the problems they have with their teens.

Many parents could not explain the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist much less figure out on their own whuch to see. Parents and their kids just going whichever way the wind blows. Whatever place the  therapist or teacher told them to go not considering the permanent label and scar it could leave. Its  just blindly leading people to their own slaughter. Dont be a part of your own child’s social demize. Let us help develop a family plan of action. We offer hourly rates that are much less than you would pay in an office as we dont have the overhead of buidlings etc.. We will work with you from beginning to end. All you need to do to get on the road to recovery for your family is look at menu of our team and determine who will best suit your needs. Then contact us asap before the damage gets too bad.

frustrayed dad

 

Having been  in and around the circles of addiction, depression and all behavioral and mental health issues in my career allowed me to understand the nuances and many differences between the way one doctor does things compared to another.

Time Frame

Now is the time to act when they are under 13 or 14 although it is still workable at 18 if they are willing. Children as young as 8 years old are being drugged today, dont let this be the case with your loved ones.

Here is the point of this little post. Don’t pretend there is no issue.  Address all the issues as directed by someone who actually has worked and lived it and has education as well.

Don’t try this at home people. Its above anyone’s head who has not been trained extensively on the topic. This is why we have a team with Dont Label My Kid! A team that has 100+ years combined experience in all areas from addiction to behavioral health to spiritual guidance, natural healing and all things mental health. Leave this part to the professionals in this field who have also raised our own kids., or you risk being a willing part in labeling your own child for life.

Discuss your options today for coaching, consulting and anything else you see on our front page menu.

Read Pastor Matt’s bio, as well as Jenny, Mike and Mine to see who would who of us could best help then lets started. You know what they say about the definition of crazy is right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Contact me -tim@dontlabelmykid.com or in emergency 386-675-7549

tj