A Parents Worst Nightmare …A Baby Left In A Hot Car For Hours …

This is likely one of the saddest cases of a baby dying that I’ve seen. This documentary tells the true story of a young mother who accidentally left her baby in her car seat for six hours while at work.

A tragic accident and horrible experience for these young parents only to be made much worse by being charged with will fully doing it and bring charged as a criminal for this incident.

One of the first things that came to my mind after seeing this, is how many times in my life, and probably yours too that I have been driving somewhere and for a few minutes I just felt like I had been unaware of all that was around me and how far I had driven with this ” blank period” of time that I seemed to have missed while either focusing on something else or just in the course of my usual routine gotten so used to going the same route that I didn’t realize that I had already driven so far.

At any rate, it’s tragic and I hope and pray the couple gets back on and has more children. I cannot imagine the hell they have been through. Let it serve as a reminder to us all that this could have been any of us.

Watch Stop All the Clocks on Tubi TV: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.tubitv&referrer=utm_campaign%3Dandroid-sharing-amazon-giveaway%26utm_medium%3Dsocial%26utm_source%3Dandroid-social%26utm_content%3D24997513

The 10 Thousand Dollar Question I Was Asked Yesterday…Still Floored By It.

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I had posted about the pedophilia, human trafficking, and child abuse problem in general on another site which will remain nameless. ( Although it rhymes with ” Shrinked Tin”) .

One of the comments I got was from a well educated lady who was successful and all. Her comment about my article was ” why don’t you focus on problems you can do something about?”.

After I did my breathing exercises and tried to pray, I reread it and tried to see it from her perspective. However even after that 30 seconds was over I still found myself upset and irritated at this comment. Are we supposed to just let kids be raped, and let child predators have free reign, and just not think about it?

Or is she on to something that my ignorant mind was not; that I really cannot make a difference. I thought on it for awhile. After a few minutes I realized that she may have just answered a question that I have put out there on this site many times. The question being how come the response is so weak when I put out a call for help in sharing current events and situations that could involve yours or my children? Why does nobody seem to care? Maybe she just answered my question. I hope not but I don’t have a better one yet.

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I’m no angel or mother Theresa. I have the same problems everyone else does and stress and all that. But for some reason when I am informed of issues like child rapists in the church or in Boy Scouts or schools, something inside of me stops working right. I get a sick feeling as I would think any parent should. I want to do something. At least take a minor role. Not just stick my fingers in my ears and scream ” lalalala” until the thought passes. This is real . It’s not Star trek.

Now I must give credit to the die hards, the regulars that are always ready to get involved. You all know who you are. But I know there are thousands more parents out there seeing this because you are reading the parenting and medication articles and all. But where does everyone go when the real Fit hits the Shan?

Just to be clear here, Im not writing this to judge anyone or put anyone down, but to actually get to the bottom of this. Is the” Shrinked Tin” lady right? Am I rowing upstream with a broken paddle, sucking air through a thin straw? Am I thinking that a dent will be made if I write another 1000 articles on these issues?

Maybe Im naive to the world we live in. Maybe it’s me who needs to check myself and focus on things that I can easily change.

Nope. That is just not in my DNA. When my kids were born, it was as if my heart grew legs and walked around outside of me. It feels everything they feel. It hurts when they hurt. It rejoices when they rejoice. That’s just how it is. It cannot just be me and a few other parents out there. I know most parents deeply love their children .

And it’s gotten worse than just parents not getting involved. As I posted the other day , I cannot even get ANY law enforcement agency in North Carolina to even LOOK at a severe Child Predator case!

I mean rock solid evidence eyewitnesses, 7 victims, statements , you name it. I did my homework. Yet nobody that is supposed to serve and protect , will take a stinkin report. They won’t take 30 minutes to follow up with a phone call. It’s their JOB!

So I’m looking for answers. I need answers. I don’t want to believe what is happening. It isn’t humane. There are people who will stop traffic on a busy highway and risk their lives to get out and move a turtle safely across the road. You have seen it. I have too. God bless them.

But what about your own children?

It just makes no sense.Ill never stop doing what I do simply because I’ve witnessed the damage first hand that goes on in the lives of innocent children after abuse. I could never turn a deaf ear. I am just an average guy with all the same struggles everyone has. So why can’t I find enough like minded people?

If you know, please do share. Meantime, I’m going to keep calling the law until they get so sick of me they investigate just to get me off their back.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Tj

Parenting 101 ( + 1/2)… How You Gain And Retain Respect From Your Children.

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Hey you parents! Listen up I got something real good for ya!

Its been awhile since I have written on parenting. Some recent events have prompted me to write a post one of what I consider most of the biggest issues in parenting today-Respect.

For those who have been with me awhile you know that a major part of my life as a social worker has been teaching parenting. I did not learn what I know about this from one of my degrees or any formal education. My learning was experience in life first as a foster parent to over 40 teens, then as a parent to my 4 children.

I say this so if you do not know me, you can trust what I am saying to be true. So here we go with the issue of respect.

In every parenting class I have taught, parent I have worked with in counseling settings and in all of my 20 years in social work I have seen this issue of how to gain and maintain the respect of your child. You see, people generally err on the side of ” strictness” and yelling and screaming at their kids, or they err on the other side, which is that they roll over and become a living breathing doormat for their children.

The first type lean towards emotional abuse, and actually tear down confidence in the child, and occasionally out of sheer fear they obey…until they cannot take it anymore and they rebel completely. Those abusive parent yelling at kids all the time parties do not last long before one or both sides blow a gasket.

The second type, the doormats are the one who we see in public and listen to their teens call them names and curse and them as if they were buddies having an argument. Here is a memo to you parents this just in -YOU ARE NOT YOUR CHILD’S BUDDY! You are not there to be a punching bag or to be a negotiator with your kid. You are there to set boundaries, teach skills, and issue correction and reward depending on the circumstance.

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The biggest problem with parents in the first category os their pride. They feel like if they want to verbally abuse their kid, its their right. Even though they are getting ZERO respect from the child in his heart, they cannot overcome their temper tantrums and learn to speak with their kids in a normal voice tone no matter what the issue. Here is the trick- Let the consequence do the work. The advantage of having rules is that when one is broken you can already have consequences that are natural and logical in place.

For example, if my son gets an hour per school night, after his homework to play video games, and I see that its been 2 hours and he has taken advantage of me, I do not need to get “mad” at him. i need to teach him responsibility. I would say “Hey Johnny, sorry that you chose to use 2 hours up on your video games on a school night, so tomorrow you lost your video privileges . Try to remember next time, ok buddy. I love you, goodnite.”

END OF STORY.

There is no need for some long drug out fight where you wear each other down until one gives in or up. If you have taught your child how to speak to you whether getting a reward or a consequence, giving a consequence should never be a problem.

The moral of this story is you MUST have boundaries that are very clear and understood by both sides, and you NEVER bend the rules because they cry loud, call you a rotten parent or whatever. If you have never been hated by your child at some point, you have never been a parent.

Now this next part is even more important than anything I have said, and I am going to end with it. If you never learn anything about parenting again, remember this one thing.

You MUST believe that your child wants boundaries. They WANT boundaries. We all want boundaries. If I got on the expressway tomorrow and a new sign read,

” NEW LAW-NO RULES TO THE ROAD”,

I would be scared out of my mind to drive with some of the crazy drivers out there. If I went to look at a 50th floor condo and took a walk out the sliding door to see the balcony view out and the long way down, there better be a little fence or railing there to protect me! I am not walking out any balcony 50 floors up with no fence.

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Why? Is the fence that’s made of weak aluminum and stands 4 feet tall really going to stop me from falling or leaning over it? Of course not. But it sure makes me feel better that it is there!

In the same way your child wants boundaries to feel secure. They will never come up to you and say “can you please issue a few more rules for me dad?” However you must understand that after working with thousands of kids and parents, that those “cool ” and “easy” parents that let their kid do all the stuff they aren’t supposed to and talk to them like a buddy- guess what mom and dad ? When they are done using you and they are with their buddies, you’re a sucker, not a cool parent. When it comes to their security, you have given them zero.

Don’t ever kid yourself and think you can make up for lost ground or “get in good ” with your kid by bending the rules. All you’re doing is writing the word sucker on your back. No respect at all. You know who gets the respect? The parent who despite the pleading, whining or whatever refuses to change the rules. That my friends is what makes a kid feel safe.

It is a child’s job to test boundaries. My son Jesse ( he doesn’t read my stuff) is 20. When he was 4-6 years old he was the master of testing limits. I mean you draw a line at the beach and say “y’all can play as much as you want just stay in these boundaries”, he was the first one, always to almost run to that line and just barely slip his toe over it to see if I meant what I said. Boy oh boy, if you are a parent you know how much easier sometimes when you are tired to just give in and let it go.

But you cannot. You know why? You are making more work for yourselves when they get older and the issues are about using your truck, or prom night. You want them to know boundaries before the big show.

If you want respect from your child, you must play the parent. Doing the above, how I explained if you are not already will improve your life dramatically and your relationship with your children.

I hope this is helpful!

TJ

Redditch parents mourn third child’s heart death – BBC News – Parenting 2018

Just when we thought our role as parents was getting unbearable, we are given a strong dose of reality.. I’d like to see someone take the initiative and create a WordPress support for this family. It doesn’t need to cost money, but if anyone would like to coordinate a mass letter drive to send our prayers and support contact me tim@dontlabelmykid.com.

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-hereford-worcester-42675124

Tj

This Is How Things Should Be..Have A Child With A Disability? Look At This.

Many times we don’t even understand how much we label people with a disability. Sometimes it’s by looking the other way when we walk past , then sometimes it’s by striking up another conversation so nobody brings it up , or  sometimes even avoiding disabled people all together.

In treatment centers and facilities all across the world people that are able and willing and ready and excited to do things are laying in the bed somewhere  hiding out from the rest of the world because of their disability,  not by their choice but because they’ve been labeled and stamped.  That’s how they’re going to have to  live their lives unless somebody intervenes.

Here’s an example of what is possible. Not only is it possible it’s very likely that you could find a group of people like this that could run a restaurant or another type of store in any type of a workshop or facility where they help people with disabilities. But many times owners of businesses do not want them around because of the way that they act or the way that they walk even.

This story illustrates  the term ” normalization” – which occurs when mainstream society focus on the strengths that the disabled have, and use them in place of their weaknesses. We all have strengths and weaknesses,  the only difference between us and them is they wear theirs on their sleeve.

What’s true of every human being is we tend to  rise up to the expectations or lower ourselves to the expectations of the environment around us.

For example  if you’re screaming and yelling at your children on the way to the library usually by the time you get to that library door you make good and sure that nobody is  screaming when you walk in the library , because they dont  tolerate it.

It’s the same for  people with  disabilities. They rise to the  highest level they can and when put in the right environment  and whatever they cannot accomplish another can make up, but you’ll never know unless you raise that bar of expectations.

Click the link below to witness an incredible sight.

://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6355447346989400064

Tj

I Refuse To Stop Posting These Until Everyone Gets The Fact That Your Kid’s Teacher, Preacher, Or Counselor Is Just As Likely To Rape Your Child As Anyone.

http://pix11.com/2017/10/10/teacher-arrested-for-alleged-sexual-abuse-of-student-in-brooklyn/

Did This Judge Fall Out Of The Stupid Tree And Hit Every Branch On The Way Down??

 You know I only got an hour or so of sleep last night. I must have read this wrong. No way a judge would assign custody of a kid to a rapist…someone click on it and tell me what I missed.

Your Kidding Right Judge?

Dumb & Dumber. Lesbian Couple Willing To Risk A Child’s Life So They Can Have A New Play Toy..

First selfish move is to invite a child into your twisted world period.

The next brainstorm is to force a miserable and depressed life on that child-  all for you to meet some perverted need in your life.

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More justification that homosexual couples should never attempt to be parents.

Ttps://ihavethetruth.com/2017/07/24/lesbian-couple-in-california-chemically-alter-their-11-year-old-boy-to-prep-for-sex-change-surgery/

Step-Parents – Some Do’s And Some Don’t Evers…. Parenting 2017

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In the world we live in one has about a 50/50 chance of being a step-parent if you are married and have had children. Somewhere down the road says the disturbing data you could be  step-mom or step dad to a child or two. It really is a role that has to be carefully considered depending on the circumstances. For example in the event that a child’s biological parent is no longer living it can be a much different role than if they have their biological mom or dad in the picture.

For the purpose of this post I will just be speaking to those families who have all parents in the picture. I speak from experience by the way, not just professionally as I have had step-parents, and also am a step-parent. There are a few key areas to keep in mind as you live with and grow with your step-child. Some rules that need to be followed no matter what else goes on.

1- Never, ever try to replace the child’s biological parent. The most common mistake by far is the brand new step-father or mother who takes a look at the situation and decides how they will ” fix things ” and act as if you are the new sheriff in town. That usually a power trip that is incorporated by insecure people who are just looking to fill some void they have. I recall making statements to my step-daughter and her dad that I was not here to replace anyone. There are also certain things that a dad might say to his daughter that are simply better left to the biological dad. Maybe they are too personal or just reserved for the ” dad ” in daddy’s girl ( see below)

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I was in support in any way I can of the father daughter relationship so long as it remained a safe one. In my case it became extremely unsafe and I was faced with a challenge.

The role of protector from the child’s parent can be tough. However it can be simple by just doing one thing. You must involve the child in the process to the extent their maturity level can support. I had many sit downs with my step-daughter asking her what she wanted from the options available. She was in control to some extent. You may be surprised at the ease with which it can all take place. They want to be safe too you know.

Another thing I highly recommend is leaving any major discipline issues to your spouse unless you have such a bond with that child that it does not matter who issues serious consequences. This is more to avoid what is known as  ” splitting ” . Splitting is when a child realizes that they have some leverage to use against their step-parent when they go to visit the biological parent.

The  ” you wont believe what he made be do for a punishment dad ” from a crying 14-year-old girl. Nothing will light a fire between two men than that. When the biological parent knows that his or her spouse was the primary person involved in any major behavioral issues, it can can bring a sense of common ground and is non-threatening. Some may disagree with my opinion on this, but it is the pragmatic way to go .

A good way to lose the respect of your child is to sit around and bash the child’s biological parent. This happens all too much, and again is usually a sign of insecurity on the part of the step-parent. Lose the trash talk and keep things objective.

Be cordial to the child’s mother or father if at all possible and especially in front of the child. I have a ton of memories of anxiety from when I was a little kid of 6-10 years old and I knew my step-father and biological father were going to cross paths. Weekend pickups and drop offs and pick ups were sometimes a bit of a free for all so I had much anxiety for a long time, and quite honestly I still think of those times and how they made me feel.

A great way to keep peace is to make sure and invite the biological parent to any events or award ceremonies at school that happen on your watch. Even if you cannot stand the site of each other, remember-there is no you in CHILD. It’s about them not you. Many times they wont be able to make it, but at least the child knows they were welcome.

Lastly for today, do not antagonize the other party when you do see them at events. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen either party try to issue a little payback for bad marriage memories in the most immature way. For example the dad is bringing a new date to the daughters middle school graduation and when mom gets wind of this she suddenly has the urge to wear some sleazy cocktail dress with everything hanging out. This just opens doors for problems in an already difficult situation. That is so high school. Keep things workable and try not to open any unnecessary doors for problems.

I think that is plenty to think about to get started, but no matter what the situation teach yourself to always put the child’s feelings and needs first.

TJ

 

 

 

 

Parenting 2017- The Quickest Most Effective Move For Major Behavior Change- ( Video Post 1:45 )

 

Quick And Easy Behavior Modification

Click Above

 

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Mental Health Is Driving Me Crazy!

Source: Mental Health Is Driving Me Crazy!

Here is the Home Page for Don’t Label My Kid! If you are not a follower you can start following by clicking the follow button on this page. Also please sign up for the newsletter we started on this page! This page will give you a decent overview of what the site is about..

TJ

  Moms Who Rob Their Children Of Resiliency Due To Their Own Need For Drama…( Parenting 2017)             

When I first became a father and my kids got to be toddlers there were  a lot of mini – crisis type situations. You see as a new parent who was trying to be the best parent I could I  began to  ” anticipate ” their problems and began to comfort them for things they hadn’t even cried about yet.

many times looking back I think they must have wondered If I  was  I  was in need of some comfort by my over reactions to their little bumps and bruises. You see most times that I jumped up and made a big thing of a little blood or a bump , my child  raced over to me. I was more likely to go to them basically to alert them that they should be angry right now , perhaps  some crying is in order…lol


I know it sounds crazy but I think we have all been there. Some just on  ” first baby syndrome”  ” but many act this way for the whole childhood.

  Thankfully due to my career and education I was alerted that I was doing this all wrong. I also learned that the so-called  ” concerned parent  ”  was not always an innocent party. Believe it or not there are parents that use their children as tools get sympathy and attention for themselves. The ones you see in Wal-Mart, dragging a kid by the wrist, screaming and yelling, and the mother or father is talking out loud at the child and neither of them are listening to each other. And nothing is getting accomplished.

Many times the adult chooses to keep it public rather than take it to the restroom , just to get that  ” people are seeing me suffering ‘  rush. They are the ones who instead of whisking the child to a restroom or outdoors, just kind of smile and tilt their heads at other adults in the store, seemingly trying to make eye contact with someone who will feel sorry for them as the shrieks from the toddler reach glass breaking levels.  That is more of a sickness like Munchausen syndrome, where mothers use their babies to draw attention to themselves by pretending they have many disorders and diseases that they do not. 

For the purpose of this post I am speaking to non Munchausen moms or dads. People who just were not taught about how to stretch your child and make them as independent as possible. 

Instead of meeting them at the point where they had clearly shown they were not capable of bouncing back on their own, I jumped in to the rescue and saved the day. I even noticed other parents who also had toddlers handling it differently , and kind of expecting their kids to sort through most of these tantrums or minor accidents without coddling. 

How insensitive, I remembered thinking. He’s just a little rug rat, an ankle biter! What do you expect from him?

That question  ” what do you expect from him ” actually became an anchor of sorts for me as I matured a bit. These parents were not neglecting their children . They were setting boundaries. They were teaching them how to be as independent as possible for their ages. They understood that the more coddling and intervention now, the more likely  that you just bought a one way coddling ticket all the way through childhood and even into adulthood.

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So I will give you one example that I think is universal and was critical in me figuring out how to respond. It is what I call the ” how should I act now ” stare. Now pay close attention because this is a very short window of time. This stare is when a child falls and bumps their head,  or another child says something mean or steals their toy ..something along those lines…

 

It goes down pretty quick so you must be on guard. It is the 15-30 seconds or so RIGHT AFTER the fall, the comment, or the toy is taken. It’s a very temporary pause in your toddlers thought process where they are considering just how they should feel about what just happened. It consists of a slow head turn to locate you then a direct scan if you right to the bulls-eye, your eyes..it will be your eyes that determine how they respond. Your lips are next. How you look and what you say in 99% of cases will totally dictate your child’s response to the little crisis.

If you are  guilty of being a wide-eyed loud mouthed run to your child parent you need you reset and fast. Or your child will be so dependent on other people at each little problem they have that they won’t have much chance of succeeding in anything they do..

If you know the child is not poisoned or at risk of losing a limb, you need to play it as down as much  possible and respond as if they had asked for some kool-aide. My rule of thumb was to always do one unrelated task before going to their side to investigate. Such as say to your child  “do you all need some help over there?” Alright honey let me finish this page in my book and I’ll come check it out.” Or if they run to you and you know it’s not extremely painful or life threatening, you tell them to sit down next to you until you finished.

One way to tell if you’re at the point of no return in this scenario is if you get what I call the  ” open but silent mouth ” treatment …this is where they have you locked in on the eyeballs but maybe they are facing another direction but turned to look at you needing guidance on whether to let out a huge shriek, or just return to playing because your eyes say its OK.

Now if you are one of those moms who runs  and shrieks and screams every time any little thing happens and you’ve already trained them to do the same. All hope is not lost…

But it does require a specialized behavioral plan for in home to reroute those behaviors and retrain your child’s brain and we do that here.

The important part to remember about this post is that to a great extent, you control how your child will respond to just about any circumstances . You train them how to respond by your actions and  by how you model the reaction to the situation. If you find yourself in needing that dramatic flare and major league episode every time anything occurs with your toddler or child, it’s most likely that you are one looking for attention, not them.

There is no reason your child should not be able to bump their elbows and be bleeding from both arms and not calmly walk over to you and ask you to get a band-aid.

Everything depends on your reaction to the situation. Set your child up for success in this world. Long after your gone, nobody is going to jump in and be jrs. savior..

TJ

Parenting 2017- How To Save Your Family – And Keep From Losing Your Child To This World’s Ugly Face…

The worst thing I’ve seen in my years of teaching parenting is not the continual failures. Its the absolute unwillingness for most parents to reach out for coaching or help befire something big does go down with your child. It frustrates me because after 45 foster kids, and four of my own, as well as having worked with thousands , I think I have a little something to offer. 

Here’s the truth, as hard as it may sound; someone is going to parent your child. Its going to be either you, or Facebook. They will learn how to think and  how to walk, dress, talk and act from Snapchat or Instageam if they are not getting it at home. 

As a random example Im going  to ask you a question  ..In the age group of 11-17 of children who have social media accounts, what percent do you think  are exposed to hard core pornography whether they were looking for it or not? Think about it  for a minute while I note one other issue. 

Positive to negative interaction and self esteem

If you talk to your child about what they are doing wrong more than what they are doing right, don’t expect any change in behavior , but do expect a low self esteem in your child. Just like you and I respond to positive feedback better then negative, kids are no different.  

The average parent makes 1 positive comment to every 10-13 negatives. In order to change behavior patterns, you need at least 8 positives to each critical.  Why? Very simple. Positive reinforcement is the only way to change behavioral patterns. Nobody, including us adults, ever change our behavioral patterns based on criticism.

There are so many very simple tips and ideas for parenting,  to save your children from the world and the things that are out there right now.  You can salvage, even if you made mistakes, it’s never too late, but if you need help you’ve got to reach out-  and that’s what we do here. It is so frustrating to see parents struggle with anything from what kind of doctor to go to , to why they are getting no cooperation from their children and a myriad of other issues, but refuse to ask for help. Its plain old pride. Get over yourself already. This is not about you. If you love your child you will do what it takes to see them up for success.

And that’s what  I’ve done for 20 years, so if you are a person who’s got a child or children and you don’t know what to do next. reach out for Parent Coaching at Don’t Label My Kid! No matter what the situation , its never too late. 

Ninety Percent. That’s the answer the the question about kids and porn on social media. Shocked? Well, do you have a filter on your kids accounts? Do you go over their accounts with them and have their password? Something to think about. That number isn’t going down until parents do something.

When my truck breaks down, I take it to a truck mechanic. I can scream at it all week but it is not getting better without a person who has a gift to work on it. Its the same with kids. We all have certain gifts . Maybe you are an accountant. Good with numbers. 

Not me. I would go nuts in that job. Its not my area. Take the human body. arms, legs, fingers, elbows, etc. What if we were all thumbs? How would we operate? We could not. So it goes when we each need help.. So don’t delay reaching out for any help you need. 
Tj


For Parent coaching contact me at Tim@dontlabelmykid.com.