I Was Not Going To Share This But It Is Still Bothering Me.. So See What You Think. FB Lady Calls Me A Pervert.

 

 

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A few days ago I was invited to a FB group that focuses on depression and anxiety and all. I offered up my site for articles and my contacts for personal help. Everyone was happy to see some help arrive since all they all do basically is get on each night and complain how miserable their lives are.

Everyone was happy except one lady who decided to make a comment about a picture I posted of me and my daughter. She said ” I wonder if he is a pervert ?”

I cannot tell you how many words I had in my mind to respond. But I held back on all that- and just called her a bitch. . Was I out of line?

I am very easy to get along with but mess with my family and its on.

Ok I vented so any input?

tj

Here Is A Classic JA Tune To Break Up The Pressure Of This Blogging Gig We All Have! Click It And Have Four Minutes Of Fun…

I Gotta Toss A Classic In Now And Again..

Y you

Go Ahead – You Know You Want To…Turn It Up!

Ever See A Drive – By Fruiting? Watch.

Watch the clip below. I am convinced it was a drive-by fruiting. The dude in the car hurled a grapefruit at the clerk.

https://www.linkedin.com/embed/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6390521569894035456“>The Guy In The Car Clearly Threw A Grapefruit At The Clerk! It Was A Drive -By Fruiting.

Parenting 101 ( + 1/2)… How You Gain And Retain Respect From Your Children.

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Hey you parents! Listen up I got something real good for ya!

Its been awhile since I have written on parenting. Some recent events have prompted me to write a post one of what I consider most of the biggest issues in parenting today-Respect.

For those who have been with me awhile you know that a major part of my life as a social worker has been teaching parenting. I did not learn what I know about this from one of my degrees or any formal education. My learning was experience in life first as a foster parent to over 40 teens, then as a parent to my 4 children.

I say this so if you do not know me, you can trust what I am saying to be true. So here we go with the issue of respect.

In every parenting class I have taught, parent I have worked with in counseling settings and in all of my 20 years in social work I have seen this issue of how to gain and maintain the respect of your child. You see, people generally err on the side of ” strictness” and yelling and screaming at their kids, or they err on the other side, which is that they roll over and become a living breathing doormat for their children.

The first type lean towards emotional abuse, and actually tear down confidence in the child, and occasionally out of sheer fear they obey…until they cannot take it anymore and they rebel completely. Those abusive parent yelling at kids all the time parties do not last long before one or both sides blow a gasket.

The second type, the doormats are the one who we see in public and listen to their teens call them names and curse and them as if they were buddies having an argument. Here is a memo to you parents this just in -YOU ARE NOT YOUR CHILD’S BUDDY! You are not there to be a punching bag or to be a negotiator with your kid. You are there to set boundaries, teach skills, and issue correction and reward depending on the circumstance.

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The biggest problem with parents in the first category os their pride. They feel like if they want to verbally abuse their kid, its their right. Even though they are getting ZERO respect from the child in his heart, they cannot overcome their temper tantrums and learn to speak with their kids in a normal voice tone no matter what the issue. Here is the trick- Let the consequence do the work. The advantage of having rules is that when one is broken you can already have consequences that are natural and logical in place.

For example, if my son gets an hour per school night, after his homework to play video games, and I see that its been 2 hours and he has taken advantage of me, I do not need to get “mad” at him. i need to teach him responsibility. I would say “Hey Johnny, sorry that you chose to use 2 hours up on your video games on a school night, so tomorrow you lost your video privileges . Try to remember next time, ok buddy. I love you, goodnite.”

END OF STORY.

There is no need for some long drug out fight where you wear each other down until one gives in or up. If you have taught your child how to speak to you whether getting a reward or a consequence, giving a consequence should never be a problem.

The moral of this story is you MUST have boundaries that are very clear and understood by both sides, and you NEVER bend the rules because they cry loud, call you a rotten parent or whatever. If you have never been hated by your child at some point, you have never been a parent.

Now this next part is even more important than anything I have said, and I am going to end with it. If you never learn anything about parenting again, remember this one thing.

You MUST believe that your child wants boundaries. They WANT boundaries. We all want boundaries. If I got on the expressway tomorrow and a new sign read,

” NEW LAW-NO RULES TO THE ROAD”,

I would be scared out of my mind to drive with some of the crazy drivers out there. If I went to look at a 50th floor condo and took a walk out the sliding door to see the balcony view out and the long way down, there better be a little fence or railing there to protect me! I am not walking out any balcony 50 floors up with no fence.

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Why? Is the fence that’s made of weak aluminum and stands 4 feet tall really going to stop me from falling or leaning over it? Of course not. But it sure makes me feel better that it is there!

In the same way your child wants boundaries to feel secure. They will never come up to you and say “can you please issue a few more rules for me dad?” However you must understand that after working with thousands of kids and parents, that those “cool ” and “easy” parents that let their kid do all the stuff they aren’t supposed to and talk to them like a buddy- guess what mom and dad ? When they are done using you and they are with their buddies, you’re a sucker, not a cool parent. When it comes to their security, you have given them zero.

Don’t ever kid yourself and think you can make up for lost ground or “get in good ” with your kid by bending the rules. All you’re doing is writing the word sucker on your back. No respect at all. You know who gets the respect? The parent who despite the pleading, whining or whatever refuses to change the rules. That my friends is what makes a kid feel safe.

It is a child’s job to test boundaries. My son Jesse ( he doesn’t read my stuff) is 20. When he was 4-6 years old he was the master of testing limits. I mean you draw a line at the beach and say “y’all can play as much as you want just stay in these boundaries”, he was the first one, always to almost run to that line and just barely slip his toe over it to see if I meant what I said. Boy oh boy, if you are a parent you know how much easier sometimes when you are tired to just give in and let it go.

But you cannot. You know why? You are making more work for yourselves when they get older and the issues are about using your truck, or prom night. You want them to know boundaries before the big show.

If you want respect from your child, you must play the parent. Doing the above, how I explained if you are not already will improve your life dramatically and your relationship with your children.

I hope this is helpful!

TJ

What Exactly Is ” Displaced Anger?” And Are You Guilty Of It?

We have all heard the term ” displaced anger” before at some point. The question is, what is it, really? Some people might answer that it’s like stubbing your toe on the way into your house after work, and when your kid runs up and tries to hug you, you raise your voice and tell them get away for a minute because you are in too much pain to be rational. I suppose on the surface that could pass for an example.

What I am talking about is a deep-rooted bitter angry feeling that is brought on by certain triggers, and the people around you must suffer the consequences. When I was about 10-14 years old, I was a very angry kid. I was not the type to take other kid’s lunch money or start fights everyday. I did however feel that under the right circumstances, I was capable of really doing some damage to others. I already was with my words and cut downs and all that. At the time I had no idea that my sense of anger had to do with my life, my family, my absentee father and all the terrible abuse and violence I witnessed along with suicide and other things all before 12.

Years ago in college we were studying the topic and it all started to make sense to me. I had hurt so many people in my younger years because I myself was very wounded. Even in my late teens or early twenties I can remember going bowling or golfing with family or friends. If I hit just one or two bad shots in a row, that would prevent me from breaking my own record, I would throw a tantrum the size of a 19-year-old. I would not speak to anyone for hours while they enjoyed the game, i would just mope. It really bothered me but I had no clue how to get rid of it. Truly it was not any college degrees that got me out of it. What finally made me realize just how idiotic I looked was when I became a foster parent to 6 teenagers for 5 years.

You want to talk about displaced anger?? Wow these kids rocked my world the first year as I was totally unprepared for what their awful lives had turned them into. It was when I had to point out all the time to them that their behavior to another was uncalled for and unfair, and ruthless sometimes even bringing others to tears for something they had no involvement in. Ouch. It really started hitting home that I was them and they were me. However this time I could track the reasons. I could read their files and see who beat them or raped them in their life. It answered many questions for me about me.

I can honestly say that today it is very rare for me to take my anger out on anyone that had nothing to do with my problem in the first place. It took a mirror image of myself over and over each day to catch on to what I had been doing.

I was truly hurt and angry now, be sure of that. However when I sat down over time with a trusted friend of mine several times and went over my life and issues, I was able to take the feedback I needed. I needed to both subconsciously and consciously wipe away the anger directed to people who had nothing to do with it. Next I needed to choose how to deal with the person who really did hurt me or in my case people who had hurt me at a young age.

Should I get in their face and let them have it? Blame them for my issues and leave mad?

After discussing the options with my buddy ( also a therapist ) we decided that in the case of my dad it would do me more harm than good to talk with him, It had been decades since we spoke. However I was not off the hook. We decided a straight forward letter to him would be in order mentioning the hurtful things that caused me so much pain and shame.

However to my dismay, my buddy said that in order for me to be released from the bondage of bitterness ( unforgiveness breeds bitterness) I would have to tell him in the letter that I was hereby forgiving him for any time he accused me, abused me, beat me, or hurt me.

What??? Forgive him? Surely you jest I thought.

Nope. It was real.

I did the letter and then over time went on and thought about anyone who had ever hurt me and decided to forgive them as well. I did not have to go in person I could make it a prayer even, but my heart must be genuine as we cannot trick God. He knows whether we really are forgiving or not. By the way I never said we must forget. Just forgive.

These days I walk around without this 300lb bag of bitterness wrapped around my heart with a wick on it ready to explode at any time. I was set free of the hurt as I set others free in my own heart and to God.

I could write pages on this, but I really think the main message has already been addressed. Its action time. Or its time to stay bitter and enjoy that more.

Maybe this is for just one person who is struggling today with an issue like this. If that is the case it well worth posting. I can tell you that God’s ability to heal memories is much greater than man’s ability to inflict pain.

Why not set yourself free today? I bet you never go back.

Visualize Whirled Peas.

TJ

My Newest Hobby When Not Running Don’t Label My Kid! I Am Just Like Dale jr. Was…Check This Clip Out..

My Next Hobby. Race Week Is Just Approaching Too!

Well I did not want to let the cat out of the bag, but during my off time at the Dont Label My Kid! Executive studios, I have been building my machine to race with the big boys here in Daytona. Heres a look at my the kind of machines I will be putting my life on the line with here in Daytona-

I need your support on this! …

Joke of the day – What are the most common last four words a redneck says before he dies?

Answer – ” Hey Y’all, Watch This!”

New Road ” Highway To Hell ” . Well I Think It Should Be Called That Anyway…

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/29/a-bunch-of-satanists-have-adopted-a-two-mile-stretch-of-road-in-arizona/