Don’t You Dare. Unless You Been There. Just Dont…

screenshot_20180514-1203432116480530.png

 

Don’t you dare tell somebody suffering from the disease of addiction that they need to “snap out of it” or think about their family- unless you been there. Do you understand that no addict has ever asked or wanted or desired to be in addict? Has it ever occurred to you that addicts at some point in their life  usually go through periods where they feel like they might as well take their life because they’re causing more pain then good?

Don’t you dare talk to the clinically -major depressed person and tell them that we all go through sad times and they need to fight through it and buck up- and just work their way through it. Have you ever been so physically- emotionally- mentally paralyzed you wanted to move and do things but you couldn’t even get your socks on and think straight and find any reason why you should even wake up the next morning? Have you ever had your children ask you how come you can’t work right now? How come you’re not working like everybody else and they think it’s because you’re lazy when they have no idea that you haven’t slept more than 30 minutes in a month?

Don’t you dare tell somebody they need to pray more and obey God and that’s why they’re having problems in their life when you don’t have any idea how much time they put into prayer and bible study or whatever to seek God in their life -probably more than you ever will even think about doing.

Dont you dare point your finger at someone who has lost everything because of a disease that put them in the hospital for years of surgeries and even had their own spouses walk out on them because they got sick due to no cause of their own. Have you ever felt so depleted that you feel like everything you try to do is 10x harder in life- then had the people who supposedly love you point their finger at you about the hardship you have caused- over and over? Then Dont.

Dont you dare coach someone on how to get re-established in the workforce and income when you have no idea that your 2 hours a day spent sending out resumes is a damn joke compared to the all night sessions for months with no sleep putting together resumes and sending out proposals – networking and doing 10x more than you to find work?

Just Dont.

Dont you dare take advantage of someone elses misfortune by exploiting them or pressing them for that 100$ they owe you- unless you have been through the same misfortune. If you are a parent dont you ever use your spouses situations to manipulate your kids into thinking that you just dont care. You are an evil person who will not go unpunished.

Had a few rough days? Maybe a funeral for a family member got you down? Dont you dare walk around claiming you have Bipolar Disorder because a few mood swings have come your way. Believe me – you dont want to know what that is really like. Unless you have sufferred to the extent and length of time of the other- keep it zipped.

Dont you dare question the PTSD symptoms of someone who has lived through more in a year than you have in your life. Why are the vets who come home totally disabled and suicidal condsidered heroes but you tell your loved one to ” buck up” and move forward?  Have you grown up in an alcoholic, abusive, violent environment and gone on to live through a family members suicide, full blown addiction, major depression that 20 different medications didnt touch, been struck down with a disease that put you in the hospital for 6-7 surgeries over 4 years that caused you to have to tell your kids they cant live in their house anymore? Then Dont.

I have lived through all of those things and let me tell you it sucks to have especially the ones you love and thought loved you bail out and mock your situation- compare you to others who have never been through any of it. Oh, and the above is only a shortlist- a partial listing of the things some of us have lived through. I dont ever talk about the REAL serious stuff- lest someone suggest I am looking for pity. I dont want anyones pity.

But I am not afraid to give an occasional reality check to those who need it.

Its really something to spend the first 20 years in your career working for peanuts but choosing a profession that is designed to help others. Making yourself available 24/7 for anyone who is suicidal or just needs help and then fast forward to a period in your own life when you walk through even darker and longer times than those you helped- yet those who even know this have the stones to criticize you.

If you are one of those people- here is a word of advice-

-STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE-

If you feel the need to address the issues in someone elses life that you are not familiar with-

Shut up and help.

Peace

tj

Addiction Series 2018 – Should An Addict Own All That They Caused? And To What Extent? For Families Of Addicts…

screenshot_20180513-1552161924496462.png

If you are or have ever suffered from an addiction and fought the disease until you felt like you would never win, you understand that you were not the only one affected. As a matter of fact the impact on loved ones is traumatic. It destroys relationships and hurts everyone involved. But addiction is a disease, so should that fact play into it? Would you be angry at your family member if they had cancer or diabetes and it took a toll on the whole family?

This is a question that goes into the minds of every family and every addict. It’s a very difficult question to answer, but there are some absolutes either way.

First there are no addicts that don’t regret the pain they caused. There are no addicts that don’t wish they could take all the pain and suffering that they’ve caused and make it go away. Some may vocalize it and verbalize it in different ways and others may not even talk to other people about it but that’s the truth.

Next, there are no families of addicts who don’t have some resentment towards their loved one for the pain that they’ve suffered. No matter whose fault or whether it is a disease or not, it does not make the pain any easier to bear.

So how should the addict feel about that pain that they’ve caused others while fighting the disease they have? And what can they do about it if anything? They need to do something and here’s why;

Addiction unlike other diseases often has behaviors associated with it that drastically and dramatically affect family members and loved ones.

Like stealing, lying, cheating,  even physically harming others. These are some behaviors that do not often occur with other diseases like cancer or many others. Two things must be in place in order for this to work. First there must be a genuine desire on behalf of the addict to help heal those that they harmed. Second there has to be a willingness on behalf of the hurt people to forgive and to genuinely forgive. If those two components don’t exist there is no possibility for a new start for that family.

forgive addicts

In groups like AA and NA ( which I am not a big fan of) there is a step to ” make amends” with those you have hurt. However saying your sorry is rarely enough. There needs to be a mutual willingness to work together to heal a sa family. This can occur through therapy effectively. It can also help tremendously if the family of the addict comes to terms with the fact that nobody wants to be an addict. They must also come to terms with the fact that addiction has been scientifically proven to be a disease. A great resource for families to understand the details of this is the Recovery Research Institute.

https://www.recoveryanswers.org/

I encourage all families to study this site and become educated on addiction before deciding how to address the addict in your family.  It is the leading tool for cutting edge information on the disease of addiction.

So does the addict have an out, because it is a disease? Is this what I am implying? No I am not at all. I am saying however that it is a two-sided street to recovery for the family affected by addiction. If you are a family that relies on guilt, shame, embarrassment, or similar tactics, you are likely driving your loved one closer to suicide than being able to quit their addiction.

Any addict would do anything possible to avoid and eliminate pain they have caused their loved ones. But they must be given the opportunity to help in the healing process. You, as a family must engage and become familiar in what to do, how to talk to your addicted loved one, and what boundaries to draw and what ones not to.

Even is an addict gets clean, if there is nothing but resentment and anger from their family then no healing is possible.

During the course of serious addiction there may be good cause to remove the addict from the house due to any threats of harm to the family or other issues. That may have to be part of the process. That does not mean there won’t be a day that you all can be reunited. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Addiction is a cruel and dirty rotten disease. It takes no prisoners and steps on anyone in it’s path. It can literally break hearts without even trying. It is straight from the pit of hell in my opinion and it hurts way too many people today. The sadder news is that the success rate of addiction treatment centers ion the USA is around 10%. Yep – you read right, 10%.

It takes alot of work and effort for the addict to get well because we do not serve them very well. And groups like AA tend to reinforce to the addict that they are powerless to do anything about their addiction. That is why they also enjoy a 10% success rate. I will note that faith based rehabs and treatment centers do actually have rates of success as high as 80% but not all are willing to allow God into their recovery.

I am not telling you to feel sorry for the addict and ignore their destructive behavior patterns. I am telling you that  they want out as much as you want them out. So treat them like the diseased person they are. I cannot tell you how harmful to the recovery of an addict when they have no family support. I have sat in groups both as a patient long ago and as a professional for 20 years and listened to addicts cry about how their family has given up on them. You know what? Most of them give up on themselves too.

So although this is a brief post when it comes to addiction, I think its worth leaving it right here because this is such a critical part of helping an addict to het through recovery. Family support. When you go to the Recovery Research Institutes website you will find all kinds of resources like what language to use when talking to an addict, and many other valuable tools that can expedite recovery,

Remember, nobody – not one person on this earth wants to be an addict.

Peace

TJ

 

 

Stop Judging Others Because They Sin Differently Then You-

Its so easy to point out the flaws in others. Im guilty of it on occasion and I have to reset myself.

Why do we do it? Whats in for us? Actually there is alot in it f88???m?

Ror us. For all the wrong reasons.

https://wp.me/p3NNQG-1vX

My Most Viewed Post Of 2016…Why?

 I’ll admit I woke up today feeling a little insecure and a little selfish. I decided to look up the most popular post of my blog in the year 2016 and reblog it. I know , I know it is a little egotistical. But it gets….worse.

I also forwarded a few inspirational posts to my own email. Plus I pictured myself when I was an administrator at my most successful program turning my name badge upside down so only I could see it. 

I thought about going against all I hate and digging up every award, recognition, accomplishment, degree, and making an  ” I love me ” wall in my office. 

Well anyhow..

I was very surprised to see that not only was Glass House Syndrome the most popular, but by almost double of every single other post.

 As I read through it again I realized it poses a lot of questions that we all need to answer about life and how we treat each other. I’m hoping that’s why it was popular. 

However I shared the post with my own mother, who said it sounded  ” preachy” ..

Can I consider that  ” verbal abuse” or what? You can file a lawsuit for that, right? 

There must be a disorder in the DSM-VI that I can carve out in there somewhere.

Check it out . I need some feedback.

https://dontlabelmykid.wordpress.com/2013/12/19/glass-house-syndrome/

Tj

Been Judged Much? You Must Be Real Good at Something!

Been Judged Much? You Must Be Real Good at Something!

Do you ever wonder why people take and make the time to point out something you are doing wrong? To stop what they are doing and come up with the energy to put you down? You must see it all the time, in public, people constantly trying to others feel like less than they are. In the mental health and social work circles I guess we have always attributed it to the idea that if we can effectively pull another down, we are also elevating ourselves in some weird way. Maybe that is true but I think there is more to it and if you are the recipient of judgement frequently you will appreciate this.
People who judge are much like bullies, in that they are insecure, and scared. They are scared of what you may reveal to the rest of the world if we all find out what is RIGHT with you. I have had several supervisors over the years like this, and along with very deep insecurity, they shared this need to expose what is wrong in a person.

Usually if you are being wrongly judged or made to look less than someone else there is a reason. A motive and purpose behind the judging. People who see talent or gifts in you that in their minds exceeds their talent somehow can be hurtful.
Their only hope to feeling good about themselves is to make you appear as less than they do. Especially if you are in some competition professionally or in another way with them.

We all should understand having people judge us is actually a compliment. It’s not the type of compliment a secure person would deliver, but it is just that, a compliment! So the next time somebody judges you say a quiet thank you as you grit your teeth and count to 10..lol!
If you are not getting judged in something you are doing – Quit slacking!