There is no better way to get any hope of recovery from Addiction than to see that others have made it. If you are in any way connected to Addiction, watch this and restore your hope.
Light is dim in my eyes. Each day for most of my life I struggle to find some purpose to keep trying when so many of my efforts have failed.
My heart is good and motives pure, but the cloud still follows my every step. “Snap to it” they say…pull your bootstraps up and be a man. If they only knew. If they could only know what a struggle it is to get dressed each day. Why? What have I accomplished in my time to push me onwards? Addiction? Depression? Divorce?
That cloud- I’ve pushed and shoved and shot bullets from my gun at. I’ve reached as high as I could to grab it and burn it. I just want to feel the sunlight touch my brain. I wonder what it’s like.
I watch people intently. Seeking some nugget to their state of bliss and happiness, while I am still feeling it’s no use. Die, I think to myself. That life just isn’t for you. ..
Even my own family looks at me with dismay and maybe disgust. They wonder why I ” chose ” this path “. “Smile!” They say. Whats wrong with you? Others take time to capitalize on my misery, my failures. Dragging my history up, to make their own seem so much better.Don’t they know I didn’t ask for this? I don’t know a single soul who ever desired to be depressed, addicted, ashamed or embarrassed.
It’s lonely in the dark shadow of the cloud. Many times have I been excited to try a new medicine, a new way , a new will power high – only to drop even lower then I was to begin with. Surely God is punishing me. I better take to heart these whispers, murmurs, accusations, and mocking . Maybe they are right. So I add their handmade burdens to my already overweight load.
Where are my ” cover up an offense” friends? Why does it feel like I have been written off as a failure by them? Maybe I am, and maybe those thoughts of giving up deserve a second chance. I look up and notice the cloud again. I cannot lose it or shake it off my case.Its my mental nemesis.
So I go into God’s house. Perhaps peace can be found here. Indeed it can. However that cloud came into church with me. That is not fair! How can darkness and light dwell together? Let my mind rest just an hour I think . Self medicate, take control I think. Whatever it takes just get a moment or two of sanity .
But that dark cloud is only fueled more by the things I do to escape. Would God not forgive me if I took my life? I wonder… Stupid , stupid and more stupid I remind myself. That can’t be the answer.
I listen to the advice, take in the exhortation, swallow the spit coming at me from those around me. Those who have never endured this level of pain. They so easily spew vitriol and even laugh at my struggling. I cannot find rest from the torment of this cloud. My eyes burn from looking at the fan on the ceiling all night long as others sleep. I feel the cool sensation of drops of water running down my face, and I insist they are from the fan burning my eyes. But those tears come from above – from that cloud via my eyes. Sleep is elusive, rest not known. My head aches from thinking. I realize I am miserable. It’s lunchtime. No appetite again. Heck I haven’t even showered in 4 days.
Who can I call to comfort me? Nobody. Not one. All have turned away when things went bad for me. I need a friend who will run to me in my darkness, not away from me!
I pray that God would ” fix” it. But He doesn’t listen to my order so I become bitter . Perhaps ” gaawwd” doesn’t exist.
I want to get so high right now. Burn it down tonite and act like tomorrow’ won’t show up. Maybe a few pills, a bottle, a woman? Something must work.
But they don’t satisfy and I still see my shadow as I pace from the cloud above me . I feel so alone and isolated my soul is much older than I. My life has attempted to steal any sunshine that may come my way. I hate myself . I don’t deserve to live. ..
What a stupid thing to think. ..
Im here for a reason. I was made for a purpose and designed in a way that not one other in billions are. That may explain my past when I was helpful to others. I was happy for a brief time but even my superior called me a “wounded healer”. It’s that obvious? See, I am messed up. I wonder if it stands out? I wish people would just leave me alone. No, wait, come and love me. I need love.
I liken myself and any hope of victory to the same hope water has as it comes to a halt at huge rocks, interrupting the flow. Somehow the water always gets through that rock. But it is not due to the strength of the water. It’s due to it’s persistence that a way is made to go right through giant canyons.
Perhaps I have persisted as well but given up before the breakthrough. The cloud is not going anywhere if I stand still.
So I keep putting my head down, scars, dents and bruises . I keep persisting. I don’t have to give that cloud so much attention either. My strength, be it little must go into the breakthrough.
I don’t know what tomorrow may bring . But for today anyway, I’ve got a plan.
Im done thinking my way through lunchtime.
I won’t quit and I won’t give in to darkness when light is available. I wonder if my attention to the cloud has weakened the power of the light I need so desperately.
Then that thought ” who are you to talk God? You are fooling yourself calling yourself a believer. Look at your problems!
Nope. Im not buying that lie of the cloud.
Again today God forgive me for doubting . Each day these thoughts pass through my mind and each day You draw me back to truth no matter what my cloud says.
Let’s talk again soon. My day is only half over I don’t want to overthink anything not of you. I’ll be back soon to remind myself of you and the promises you gave me ..I know in just a few short hours I will need it again.
Just when we thought our role as parents was getting unbearable, we are given a strong dose of reality.. I’d like to see someone take the initiative and create a WordPress support for this family. It doesn’t need to cost money, but if anyone would like to coordinate a mass letter drive to send our prayers and support contact me email@example.com.
The times we look out a window and wonder what it is that all those people have in their lives that gives them the audacity to smile. Who said its fair that I have to avoid most people simply because I don’t have what it takes to return a smile or answer a question like ” how are you “.
I don’t even know how I will open my mouth at lunch to take a bite of a sandwich, that is if I eat today.
It all seems kind of rude honestly. It seems like a sick pathetic joke that I have to fight myself just to get dressed and out the door to work while everyone else seems to be chirping away like birds in the spring. All the while I’ll bet I’m the only one who has to waste time on a shrink that does me no good.
What a moron I am. Seriously . I’m at a crossroads these days about the whole ” god ” thing as well. I feel on the brink of just pronouncing a “no god” allowed in my life statement out of my anger, or maybe do like many are doing and turn atheist.
The other day I was so angry at God that I played every song on Ac/Dc’s Hells Bells album 5x and played “Sympathy For The Devil” by Jagger and them like half dozen times. Maybe if God was real He could feel a little pain for once.
But that’s when my friend told me that he had the same feelings as I did months ago, and started meetimg with this cool new spiritual enlightenment group of people my age. They decide what “god” they will actually become! How awesome is that?
He told me that lots of people were trying to get in the group but he could get me in. He told me not to pay attention to the naysayers..they were just jealous.
When I told my shrink about my new found friends he starting asking me if I was hearing any voices or anything . Wow, this guy thought I made it all up! What a loser! I’m pouring my heart out and smiling for the first time in a year and he has to be the dream killer.
Just a month later the group moved away but didn’t tell me. I’m so depressed . I’m not sure I have any reason to go on. I’ve no girlfriend, no family., no real friends, and all I want to do is go get high .
I went down by the prairie path which is a little trail inbetween hundreds of acres of orange groves. That’s where you get whatever drug you need down here. The dealers basically set up shop in the middle and no cops can see them, hear.them or find them . Just too many ways out. I scored some zanny bars, a bag or two of H, and a few oxy 80s…
Then, I Bounced back home to a nice empty house to chillax..
I figured once I was good and ragged out all the pieces would come together for me. So I stayed high for 3-4 days or so. Noboby knew, my parents were on an anniversary trip and hell I’m 19 anyway. I can roll with whoever I please.
About a week later I felt the shake of a strong hand, and when I looked up from the floor I was passed out on, I saw my dad looking down at me with tears rolling down his face. He saw my needles other junk and smelled me since I hadn’t showered. I was ready for it all. The old ” get outta my house ” screams , and the belittling that I saw on television all the time between parents and their children.
But it never came. Just some amazing grace As a matter of fact, my father looked into my eyes and never took his eyes off mine. He began to weep and put his arms around me. He asked me if there is anything he could do for me or get right now. I knew my father was a strong Christian and we never had any major fall outs before, but I didn’t expect this when he caught me using drugs in his house. I did not expect absolute 100% unconditional love and mercy. But I learned later on that its that very save unconditional live that should be drawing people to their heavenly Father.its the key that unlocks our desire to obey.
We embraced for several minutes without saying a word and soon my father said to go pack a bag. “I want to take you somewhere.”
A little while later and we were off driving away in his jeep, I had no idea where we were going to go, but as we begin to drive, he began to explain to me. Where you are, headed. he said ” i’ve never had the problems that you have right now ” and dont know what it feels like.
But whatever you need and wherever we have to go, I’ll be by your side, I’ll never leave you from the beginning of this journey until it’s over. Hours later we ended up at a log cabin way up in the mountains that his buddy owned and let him use for the weekend.
We spent some time there just him and talking about life about how we felt about God, about problems and how today’s world is a very difficult. But again even though he let me vent about how I felt and how my problems felt so big- he didn’t pretend to understand them but he was desperately trying to find somebody who did.
He made a promise to me that day that he wasn’t going to leave my side during the entire ordeal as long as it took for me to feel better. He was going to find somebody with inside information on the process of mental health and addiction. A person that could minister to me better than anybody else.
we spent quite a bit of time in that cabin and he did find me somebody that I could relate to and we did work through many of the issues- it did make me feel a whole lot better. Not cured , but much better . Not finished yet but I possessed something I had not in a long time..
All the learning I did those weeks with the help of a person who had been through it, I can truly say that it was just a few paragraphs spoken by dad to me at the end of our trip that have stuck with me and saved me from falling into deep depression again..
Dad said this;
Money comes and goes, jobs come and go. Health comes and goes , cars too. Even relationships , spouses come and go while on this earth. Look for peace and hope in those and you will live a rollar coaster life.
But the Lord is the same yesterday , today and forever!
If you put all your security, trust and hope in Him, you will never do without peace.
And now in closing I.present you all with the entire point of this post.
What, oh what can we offer to those in distress as told above if we ourselves don’t have the peace of the Lord to share? Nothing eternal, nothing any bigger then the latest mind over matter seminar , correct?
The answer to the title of this post is HOPE.. For without HOPE where does the strength to go on come from ?
If you’ve ever wondered why I keep pushing for services for everyone and talking about providing treatment that actually does something besides make the providers rich, and keep talking about providing virtual services and all those things today is your day. You are in for a rare treat, ESPECIALLY if you or a loved one has seemed to be stuck in an addiction cycle forever.
Never in my 23 years as a social worker working with addicts and in mental health or behavioral health, have I ever been so blessed as I was today to be able to share this with you; actual documented of how truly stupid our whole system is when it comes to addictions treatment. It’s almost hard for me to believe. What you’re looking at is a post on LinkedIn by a clinician that works in addictions. She says ( I am paraphrasing)
“I have this client and he’s like this and this and this anyone got any advice on what to do with him?” I was reading going –No, lady but you should! You are the ” specialist”
You’ll notice it says 83 comments. Out of 83 comments I think they were over 70 opinions from clinicians and doctors and addiction specialists giving opinions on what she might do. Actual opinions suggesting a certain diagnoses and even treatment recommendations.They have never met him don’t know anything about him and they’re recommending their brand of treatment.
Nobody should be publicly posting that type of information to begin with. It would be easy to track the kid down just by where she works, and a little homework. So if you had it in your family or a friend or you are an addict not everybody thinks that you’re crazy. If you’re an addict- I know the truth and there are lots of people who are trying to come forward and help an addict so they can get effective treatment.
It is bad enough that people seem to think addiction is a hobby like golf – but they don’t even get the fact that just as diabetes is a disease, so is addiction. Would you go to the cancer unit at a major hospital and start yelling at all the patients to ” snap ” out of it ? Of course not. The families of addicts do it each day. To make things worse, nobody seems to know how to treat it..
I wonder how those people would respond if I told them that about 10% of addicts in treatment right now are doctors…
Personally I was invited to meet with a major insurer in July to be considered in a joint partnership to build treatment centers using my model of care. I am doing all I can to bring awareness to the terrible system we live in. If you have read my home page ” mental health its a crazy business” you know that this same problem exists there too. Basically whoever or whatever company is getting paid to ” treat ‘ ( its hard to even call it that) patients in addictions and mental health facilities get paid their 50-100k per bed no matter of the patient does better or not..
I want you to keep this in mind every time you want to judge anybody who can’t seem to shake an addiction. Don’t you think they would like to get better instead of being stuck in hell while everyone around them shouts how they should ” try ” harder! Excuse me, but try harder at what? As you can see the ones supposed to be teaching addicts how to try don’t know themselves! Sad.
Lets hope this momentum keeps up where people are starting to open their mouths like Forbes…
So You Feel Down About Your Life-Really?
So we all go through the ” blues” right? We all have roller coaster lives sometimes.. But I know a secret that only you all and I know..WE have deeper hopelessness sometimes. We dont always snap out it like some others do..
From the looks of my stats over 4 years it seems you and I have that in common…
I never promise anyone anything – but if I was ordered to (by God or something) I would promise you that if you do what I say now, you ALL will have a certain size piece of your hopeless pie zapped away- like magic.
Here is what I would ask- take the 4 minutes you gave me, and use it to watch this clip ..
See if your perspective resets itself…just see..its your call..what actually do you have to lose? Another 4 minutes of pouting about your hopelessness? Lol..
If you are reading this then you will be able to name some things in today’s world that are radically different then they were when you were a child. It’s common to hear people today say ” When I was young…we walked to school, 5 miles , up hill both ways , in snow” or something like that. We joke about how things were back in the day. But its different now, something out there is not the same as it always has been, It seems like we are headed for something or on the way somewhere but to what or where?
I discuss this with anyone I can and have heard so many different explanations from many different people but one thing remains the same, nobody denies that things are different. We all see that this world is falling apart and in desperate need of repair. The nations are at odds, the people in our own country are divided and the hatred amongst people is terrible. Adults are doing hideous things to children for sexual gratification and there are no longer any limits or any boundaries for men. The things that were created for one purpose are being used for another purpose.
To those who have no faith in God or aren’t sure about what to believe I am going to ask you to read this with an open mind and see if you understand things a little better than you did before. I am not here to judge , to preach or to scare anyone, I am here to stimulate conversation and to get us all thinking about what is ahead of us. After all our children have to live out their entire lives on this earth and the way it looks they will face much hardship. The least we can do is prepare them as much as we know how for what to expect as they get older.
What if everything that exists today was actually created? What if the institution of marriage was created for a man and a woman? What if we were all created to worship and glorify the one who made us? What if the earth and it’s inhabitants did not actually ooze up from the cells of a fish but each and every creature was individually made and here for man’s enjoyment? What if the year 2014 is really the number of years since the messiah Jesus was raised from the dead? How about the bible actually being the inspired word of God with each word being infallible and nobody in the world can disprove one of them?
Is it possible that these are the ” last days ” discussed in the bible where according to scripture, men will be lovers of themselves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, and unholy. (2 Timothy 3:2) Many scholars argue that history is simply repeating itself and all of this happened thousands of years ago . However if scripture is true then what sets these days apart are the events that are mentioned which must take place right before the return of the Lord Jesus Christ. For example the first thing that must happen before the return is that Israel would become a nation. In 1948 this actually occurred.
Have you ever heard a scientist discuss the creation and try to explain how over billions of years things evolved into what is today? Yet there are no transitional fossils of any kind showing any ” in-between ” stages of life. I know fossils exist -I am referring to human forms. The great mind Stephen Hawking once said that science can explain much but he has no idea why the universe decided to be. We all know that science and religion seem to be opposites, but the truth is that they work hand in hand. Many scientists who set out to disprove God, after researching, ended up realizing that it would take much more faith to believe that things just oozed into being over billions of years then it would to believe that a creator was involved. Take the sun for example, it is positioned so that if it were slightly closer to earth, we would burn up but if it were slightly further away, we would freeze up. It would be an amazing thing if the big bang somehow left these amazing and critical facts by accident.
As a matter of fact many scientists have become Christians after doing the research and trying to prove any part of the bible wrong. They may be Christians now, but they never dropped science, they just understand now that science and the bible are perfect mates. The bible is by no means a science book, but in it are revealed the great mysteries that have allowed mankind to proceed in investigating and discovering more truth. For example, Christopher Columbus is said to have been reading the Old Testament sometime before he set sail to find what shape the earth was. It is said that the final confirmation that gave him the inspiration to go, was a verse he read in the bible that described God sitting in heaven looking down at the earth. In it He describes it as the ” circle ” of earth. For obvious reasons, Columbus had a notion that the earth was round and he would not fall off if he sailed too far.
Recently, I was watching the news and waiting to see the eclipse where the moon actually turned orange in color and you could not see any white. The news station did a great job of telling how and when it would happen. Only the bible could explain why it was happening. This event , the blood moon actually has real meaning in the bible. So we see again that science is still true, and it does not make the bible false and also the other way around. These type of things happen all around us each day, yet most people have no idea of the significance.
Symbols and signs we use every day are straight out of the bible. The staff of Moses, which he used to throw to the ground at God’s command ( allegedly) is seen on all kinds of medical signs. The same people who are complaining that the name of God or a cross sign offends them are using signs and symbols from the bible everyday. Each time we write the date on a check we are indirectly stating that we acknowledge the date on it represents the years since the resurrection of Christ. We use terms like A.D and B.C as well. Symbols dating Christ.
You see, the entire world is said to be centered around the Lord Jesus Christ. The Alpha and Omega and the beginning and the end. Jesus says himself in John 14:6 – ” I am the way the truth and the life, no man shall see the father except through me.” He is either lying, he is Lord, or he is a lunatic. One must be true. Just talking about bible prophecy alone, Jesus Christ fulfilled over 265 prophecies that were written in Old Testament times. You can read, for example in Isaiah 53 the entire account of a man dying . It describes a man dying and what exact things will occur during his beating and death. Right down to ” not a bone will be broken” every single detail mentioned fits exactly the account of what happened to Jesus at the cross.
The 264 other prophecies that Jesus fulfilled, well some say it is coincidence. To give you an idea of the odds of that here is an illustration. If we took the state of Texas, and spread quarters all over the entire state, at about 3 feet high, and sent a blind man out in the middle of the state to locate one of those quarters, the odds of him finding that one-quarter are the same as the odds of it being coincidence that Christ fulfilled all the prophecies by coincidence. It comes to 1×10 to the 17th power I believe. The odds of coincidence.
At any rate this is not a sermon, it is a statement of facts to open discussion and to get us all thinking. We need to think because whether we like it or not, something is going down in this world. It is ugly and it is not looking like it will get better anytime soon. I picked Jesus to highlight this time, because the evidence is testable and measurable so anyone can check it out. If anyone wants to discuss the possibility of another being the creator of the universe, by all means suggest one. I could think of some popular idols, like the buddha, thor, mohammed, and then some others like mother earth, universe to highlight as well. Today we look at whether or not events happening have any connection to Christ, because the bible mentions specific events that are actually happening today.
The reason I am writing this is because I have noticed that people in general are lacking something today,Peace. It seems elusive and almost unheard of. We have more disorders in mental health then we can shake a DSM at. We all have anxiety, meds, and nerves. People around the globe are acting crazy and killing their families, trying to do things that were never meant to be. If in fact God did make everything that we know, and for a reason, then it would make sense that the enemy of God (allegedly) Satan, who knows the time for him is limited would counter everything that God made with a counterfeit. If marriage is supposed to be men and women, he would introduce men and men, and women and women, and heck, why not men and goats too?
The sole purpose of the counterfeits would be to destroy the people and cause them to turn away from the true God. If the only way to true peace then, is by way of a relationship with the Prince of Peace Jesus, then it would make sense that satan would introduce as many counterfeits as possible so people would never get to the real peace. Today we have so many religions and cults it is amazing. We have the mother earth crowd, the hug a tree group, the ones who worship palm trees and whales, and those who have decided they just don’t like the idea of God being real at all, so they are the atheists.
Now, whether I want there to be a God or not, I am smart enough to know that me simply willing Him away, or making everyone take their crosses down is not going to make God go away. We cannot make God go away by taking bibles out of school anymore than I can stop the sun from shining by writing the word DARKNESS on my kitchen window where the sun shines in. We cannot make things go away just because we don’t like them
So what does this have to do with what is going on in the world today? I just wonder if its possible that the problem could be that we have forgotten our first love. Could it be that God is still there, and he didn’t die, or get scared away by all the atheists? What if the bible really is the word of God and Jesus was telling the truth that He is the only way to heaven. I mean, heck what about Oprah? She is a billionaire and she says all roads lead to heaven. Why does everyone have to be so narrow-minded? Cant we all just get along?
Its narrow-minded alright to think that Jesus is the only way to peace and that He died in our place at Calvary for the sins of those who would believe in Him. It is downright wrong to imply that my way isn’t just as good as the next guys. When I ask people about Jesus and his claims, many say that they aren’t sure. I also have had many people say that they aren’t religious…( I’m not either) and I have run across some that have gotten so mad at the way life has treated them that they have flat-out decided that they WILL NOT serve a God who has let them down. So there.
The options for us in today’s world are getting less and less. What do we do to stop the pain of a cruel world and how do we get through until, well until we die, I guess. We can use substances, and forget about things, for a while. We can take up a new intense hobby that will consume all of our time. We can do any number of things this world has to offer. Some turn to religion, which as I mentioned has sprung up on every corner with some new theory. Most people don’t even know that all cults were started by some guy who was either bored or high, and just began to write down some rules. Mormons, they have Joseph Smith-mid 1850’s…Jehovah Witnesses…mid 1850’s…and hundreds of others.
I am still intrigued by this God thing, rather than religion. Religion is like a habit or a routine. God is the creator of the universe, the author and finisher of our faith, the great I am, the rock and the comforter. I know that there is a savior, and I know that He is name Jesus. I know that his word has never been proven wrong and that He promises that anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved, anyone. No rituals, no good deeds, no earning your way. He says he died for us and we all are sinners. He says the times before his return to earth will be outlined by events that are happening today.
Here is the reason I wrote this post today I think what the world is missing is peace. We cannot find peace in money, drugs, women, booze, looks, jobs or anything else. Last time I checked, rich, good-looking people with good jobs and women were offing themselves daily. It cannot be those things. Could it be that the Prince of Peace is the only giver of peace? Could it be that peace is the only possible relief for what is coming upon us in this world? If so are we all willing to call upon the name of Jesus for peace? If no, I must ask-is it because you are afraid he will answer? Afraid he wont answer? Why would’nt anyone call upon the name of the one who claims he is the giver of peace?
If you want to know how real Jesus is…go into a store and when you get to the checkout line, start naming names of gods of this world. The dead buddha, thor, mohammed, ghandi and keep naming them. See if anyone notices or cares that you say their names. Then when you have named all of the dead guys you can think of to name, say the name above all names, Jesus. I bet you will turn some heads. Do you know why the name of Jesus turns heads and gets people either fired up or joyful? How come the dead guy’s names don’t do that? The name of the living God will cause those who know Him to praise Him, and those who don’t know him to get madder then a hornet.
When I look at the world today and see the needs we have, I wonder how many will turn to God in these times. I wonder when it is all over and we stand before God ( allegedly)- will you and I , as we here that name JESUS be filled with joy, or madder then a hornet? It will be too late then but today, if you find yourself madder than a hornet, take another look, investigate and do your homework. Today is the day. We are not promised tomorrow, so let’s get peace in a crazy world. Check Jesus out. If you have other suggestions for who you would like to be God, message me so I can write about them too.