If You Have Ever Felt Alone, Depressed, Without Hope – Read “Ode To The Cloud.”

Light is dim in my eyes. Each day for most of my life I struggle to find some purpose to keep trying when so many of my efforts have failed.

My heart is good and motives pure, but the cloud still follows my every step. “Snap to it” they say…pull your bootstraps up and be a man. If they only knew. If they could only know what a struggle it is to get dressed each day. Why? What have I accomplished in my time to push me onwards? Addiction? Depression? Divorce?

That cloud- I’ve pushed and shoved and shot bullets from my gun at. I’ve reached as high as I could to grab it and burn it. I just want to feel the sunlight touch my brain. I wonder what it’s like.

I watch people intently. Seeking some nugget to their state of bliss and happiness, while I am still feeling it’s no use. Die, I think to myself. That life just isn’t for you. ..

Even my own family looks at me with dismay and maybe disgust. They wonder why I ” chose ” this path “. “Smile!” They say. Whats wrong with you? Others take time to capitalize on my misery, my failures. Dragging my history up, to make their own seem so much better.Don’t they know I didn’t ask for this? I don’t know a single soul who ever desired to be depressed, addicted, ashamed or embarrassed.

It’s lonely in the dark shadow of the cloud. Many times have I been excited to try a new medicine, a new way , a new will power high – only to drop even lower then I was to begin with. Surely God is punishing me. I better take to heart these whispers, murmurs, accusations, and mocking . Maybe they are right. So I add their handmade burdens to my already overweight load.

Where are my ” cover up an offense” friends? Why does it feel like I have been written off as a failure by them? Maybe I am, and maybe those thoughts of giving up deserve a second chance. I look up and notice the cloud again. I cannot lose it or shake it off my case.Its my mental nemesis.

So I go into God’s house. Perhaps peace can be found here. Indeed it can. However that cloud came into church with me. That is not fair! How can darkness and light dwell together? Let my mind rest just an hour I think . Self medicate, take control I think. Whatever it takes just get a moment or two of sanity .

But that dark cloud is only fueled more by the things I do to escape. Would God not forgive me if I took my life? I wonder… Stupid , stupid and more stupid I remind myself. That can’t be the answer.

I listen to the advice, take in the exhortation, swallow the spit coming at me from those around me. Those who have never endured this level of pain. They so easily spew vitriol and even laugh at my struggling. I cannot find rest from the torment of this cloud. My eyes burn from looking at the fan on the ceiling all night long as others sleep. I feel the cool sensation of drops of water running down my face, and I insist they are from the fan burning my eyes. But those tears come from above – from that cloud via my eyes. Sleep is elusive, rest not known. My head aches from thinking. I realize I am miserable. It’s lunchtime. No appetite again. Heck I haven’t even showered in 4 days.

Who can I call to comfort me? Nobody. Not one. All have turned away when things went bad for me. I need a friend who will run to me in my darkness, not away from me!

I pray that God would ” fix” it. But He doesn’t listen to my order so I become bitter . Perhaps ” gaawwd” doesn’t exist.

I want to get so high right now. Burn it down tonite and act like tomorrow’ won’t show up. Maybe a few pills, a bottle, a woman? Something must work.

But they don’t satisfy and I still see my shadow as I pace from the cloud above me . I feel so alone and isolated my soul is much older than I. My life has attempted to steal any sunshine that may come my way. I hate myself . I don’t deserve to live. ..

What a stupid thing to think. ..

Im here for a reason. I was made for a purpose and designed in a way that not one other in billions are. That may explain my past when I was helpful to others. I was happy for a brief time but even my superior called me a “wounded healer”. It’s that obvious? See, I am messed up. I wonder if it stands out? I wish people would just leave me alone. No, wait, come and love me. I need love.

I liken myself and any hope of victory to the same hope water has as it comes to a halt at huge rocks, interrupting the flow. Somehow the water always gets through that rock. But it is not due to the strength of the water. It’s due to it’s persistence that a way is made to go right through giant canyons.

Perhaps I have persisted as well but given up before the breakthrough. The cloud is not going anywhere if I stand still.

So I keep putting my head down, scars, dents and bruises . I keep persisting. I don’t have to give that cloud so much attention either. My strength, be it little must go into the breakthrough.

I don’t know what tomorrow may bring . But for today anyway, I’ve got a plan.

Im done thinking my way through lunchtime.

I won’t quit and I won’t give in to darkness when light is available. I wonder if my attention to the cloud has weakened the power of the light I need so desperately.

Then that thought ” who are you to talk God? You are fooling yourself calling yourself a believer. Look at your problems!

Nope. Im not buying that lie of the cloud.

I’ll pray.

Again today God forgive me for doubting . Each day these thoughts pass through my mind and each day You draw me back to truth no matter what my cloud says.

Let’s talk again soon. My day is only half over I don’t want to overthink anything not of you. I’ll be back soon to remind myself of you and the promises you gave me ..I know in just a few short hours I will need it again.

Why Dont We Call On The Lord For Healing In Relationships? Great Post I Am Sharing Here…

http://bayart.org/incredible-shrinking-marriage/

Kill Cancer With This Guide…

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_T8zNEl5CBkSXYtVF81U0M5UEFodVNRY0plV3lHTmpYb2p3/view?usp=Kill That Cancer – Naturally

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_T8zNEl5CBkSXYtVF81U0M5UEFodVNRY0plV3lHTmpYb2p3/view?usp=drivesdk

Health Trivia!Get Ready To Be Shocked?.

http://www.alternativesolutions4health.info/facts/

Mike Carey is the owner of alternativesolutions4health- and our new partner . 

Since meeting him I have never ceased to be amazed  at the new things I learn . I had to share this quick fact sheet of things he shares on his site …

tj

No Offers To Help From The Vatican Yet- Hmm . I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

Check This Out- Heck We Could Work Full Time Jobs Forever Just To Shut This Down-

Go Big- Or- Go HOME!!!

Hmm-sounds fair. — Am I wrong here?  WOW-if it wont open I will fix- gotta go

 

Wow already 5 countries have hit me but sadly not Italy-

Oh, wait- that’s right they are trying to BAN police from knowing about any rapes. They promised to investigate- THOROUGHLY-

SCOUTS HONOR!- OH WAIT CANT USE THAT ONE-

You all have got me so fired up my blood is boiling – and I feel like I am waking up from a 20 year coma. When this whole thing is said and done — don’t go anywhere because you will never ever ever believe how all the pieces through the years have made a way to this day. Now it is the rubber meets road and I feel the need for SPEED!

I don’t know exactly how this will specifically unfold but I am telling you now so whenever it does I want you see- the rest..of the story all the way back. I mean you will freak out.

Thanks again-

tj

Romans 8:28 and Jeremy Camp- I still believe.

Those are the 2 things I spoke and listened to every day 20 years ago..that was just the beginning – and man I cant wait to see the ending.

Stop Judging Others Because They Sin Differently Then You-

Stop Judging Others Because They Sin Differently Then You-

Everyone around you is fighting a battle you know nothing about-Stop Judging. While you were busy judging your closet fell open and all your skeletons fell out-Stop Judging. Don’t judge me on my past, I don’t live there anymore- Stop Judging. Why are you innocent and they are all guilty? Stop Judging. Someone dies of suicide every 40 seconds in this world. Someone wonders why every 41 seconds-Stop Judging. We judge in others the things we don’t like about ourselves. Stop Judging-

Recently I was judged about things that occurred in my past. I was looked over because of a problem I had I the past. I felt angry and confused, frustrated and bitter. It was the best thing that has happened to me in a while because it reminded me of how people feel when they are judged day in and day out. I guess I am fortunate because I have had some pretty awesome teachers around me in the church and in the community who have taught me about why people do judge others.
Sometimes to elevate their own ego or to feel better about what they are doing. It could be that they are just bitter people who feel the need to jam others up with pain. I do know that ” Hurt People Hurt People-Loved People Love People ” and I also know that the most insecure people in the world tend to judge others the most harshly.

I have learned that we are not to judge, lest we be judged and that we should be careful not to try and remove the speck in our brother’s eye when we have a plank in our own eye. I have been fortunate to have been taught some things about the nature of God and the love that He has for us and how Jesus made it a point to call those out who were judging, asking some flat out to come forward if they were without sin.
Of course nobody came forward. They were aware they had sin and were not perfect. Yet they still chose to judge others, to tear the very soul of their brothers and sisters open and inflict wounds that would leave deep scars. In my case I am thankful that God has the power to heal memories and heal emotional wounds. Maybe in your case you got through the pain another way, for me it was my faith and trust in God.
At any rate and however you made it through I am proposing that we all take a stand against those who judge others. I am not saying we should judge them but we should stand up for helpless ones who are paralyzed by the hurtful comments and need someone to help them into healing and away from their judges. We need to be there for others when we are able to assist a person in need, to comfort when they are crushed. The people who have been crushed need to be loved. They need to know what unconditional love feels like and we can show them. It is amazing what a hug or telling someone you love them no matter what will do. Sometimes when you see someone hurting, words are not even necessary- if appropriate you may just want to hug them, and you will be amazed at the power that hug has to start the healing process.
I have a heavy burden for those that have been judged. I am asking that we all step up to the plate on this one and help heal the scars inflicted by the judgmental and pray for those who judge. Pray that their hard hearts would be softened. Words are so powerful and people are using them more and more to slice and dice people. Lets be a force for the wounded, I know if it wasn’t for someone loving on me when I was broken, I would not have been able to heal as quickly. Share this with a friend, print it out and hang it up where your family can see it. Lets do something to address this thing called judging. The tongue is a powerful thing. Like it says in James , we have learned to tame all kinds of wild beasts and guide huge ships with a small rudder, yet we cannot seem to tame the tongue. I challenge you to use that tongue to comfort eve a few people in your circle and watch the powerful results!

Tj-DLMK

Bikers Helping Kids!

Bikers Helping Kids!

If you picture a biker as a gruff , tough, road warrior, you may be right. However even tough guys have hearts! This is a must see – check out what BACA  ( Bikers Against Child Abuse ) is doing around the globe! It is one of the most awesome things I have seen on 20 years working with children and families. Click and be amazed.

DLMK