Light is dim in my eyes. Each day for most of my life I struggle to find some purpose to keep trying when so many of my efforts have failed.
My heart is good and motives pure, but the cloud still follows my every step. “Snap to it” they say…pull your bootstraps up and be a man. If they only knew. If they could only know what a struggle it is to get dressed each day. Why? What have I accomplished in my time to push me onwards? Addiction? Depression? Divorce?
That cloud- I’ve pushed and shoved and shot bullets from my gun at. I’ve reached as high as I could to grab it and burn it. I just want to feel the sunlight touch my brain. I wonder what it’s like.
I watch people intently. Seeking some nugget to their state of bliss and happiness, while I am still feeling it’s no use. Die, I think to myself. That life just isn’t for you. ..
Even my own family looks at me with dismay and maybe disgust. They wonder why I ” chose ” this path “. “Smile!” They say. Whats wrong with you? Others take time to capitalize on my misery, my failures. Dragging my history up, to make their own seem so much better.Don’t they know I didn’t ask for this? I don’t know a single soul who ever desired to be depressed, addicted, ashamed or embarrassed.
It’s lonely in the dark shadow of the cloud. Many times have I been excited to try a new medicine, a new way , a new will power high – only to drop even lower then I was to begin with. Surely God is punishing me. I better take to heart these whispers, murmurs, accusations, and mocking . Maybe they are right. So I add their handmade burdens to my already overweight load.
Where are my ” cover up an offense” friends? Why does it feel like I have been written off as a failure by them? Maybe I am, and maybe those thoughts of giving up deserve a second chance. I look up and notice the cloud again. I cannot lose it or shake it off my case.Its my mental nemesis.
So I go into God’s house. Perhaps peace can be found here. Indeed it can. However that cloud came into church with me. That is not fair! How can darkness and light dwell together? Let my mind rest just an hour I think . Self medicate, take control I think. Whatever it takes just get a moment or two of sanity .
But that dark cloud is only fueled more by the things I do to escape. Would God not forgive me if I took my life? I wonder… Stupid , stupid and more stupid I remind myself. That can’t be the answer.
I listen to the advice, take in the exhortation, swallow the spit coming at me from those around me. Those who have never endured this level of pain. They so easily spew vitriol and even laugh at my struggling. I cannot find rest from the torment of this cloud. My eyes burn from looking at the fan on the ceiling all night long as others sleep. I feel the cool sensation of drops of water running down my face, and I insist they are from the fan burning my eyes. But those tears come from above – from that cloud via my eyes. Sleep is elusive, rest not known. My head aches from thinking. I realize I am miserable. It’s lunchtime. No appetite again. Heck I haven’t even showered in 4 days.
Who can I call to comfort me? Nobody. Not one. All have turned away when things went bad for me. I need a friend who will run to me in my darkness, not away from me!
I pray that God would ” fix” it. But He doesn’t listen to my order so I become bitter . Perhaps ” gaawwd” doesn’t exist.
I want to get so high right now. Burn it down tonite and act like tomorrow’ won’t show up. Maybe a few pills, a bottle, a woman? Something must work.
But they don’t satisfy and I still see my shadow as I pace from the cloud above me . I feel so alone and isolated my soul is much older than I. My life has attempted to steal any sunshine that may come my way. I hate myself . I don’t deserve to live. ..
What a stupid thing to think. ..
Im here for a reason. I was made for a purpose and designed in a way that not one other in billions are. That may explain my past when I was helpful to others. I was happy for a brief time but even my superior called me a “wounded healer”. It’s that obvious? See, I am messed up. I wonder if it stands out? I wish people would just leave me alone. No, wait, come and love me. I need love.
I liken myself and any hope of victory to the same hope water has as it comes to a halt at huge rocks, interrupting the flow. Somehow the water always gets through that rock. But it is not due to the strength of the water. It’s due to it’s persistence that a way is made to go right through giant canyons.
Perhaps I have persisted as well but given up before the breakthrough. The cloud is not going anywhere if I stand still.
So I keep putting my head down, scars, dents and bruises . I keep persisting. I don’t have to give that cloud so much attention either. My strength, be it little must go into the breakthrough.
I don’t know what tomorrow may bring . But for today anyway, I’ve got a plan.
Im done thinking my way through lunchtime.
I won’t quit and I won’t give in to darkness when light is available. I wonder if my attention to the cloud has weakened the power of the light I need so desperately.
Then that thought ” who are you to talk God? You are fooling yourself calling yourself a believer. Look at your problems!
Nope. Im not buying that lie of the cloud.
Again today God forgive me for doubting . Each day these thoughts pass through my mind and each day You draw me back to truth no matter what my cloud says.
Let’s talk again soon. My day is only half over I don’t want to overthink anything not of you. I’ll be back soon to remind myself of you and the promises you gave me ..I know in just a few short hours I will need it again.
I’ve been out awhile. I could not tell you how long. Don’t care either. I’m surprised I ever returned to Blogging. My life has been peppered with trauma. In my immediate family we’ve walked through addiction,. Depression, suicide, domestic violence, you name it. I don’t know if you ever ” get used ” to the trauma..However you do learn to cope,
The issues at hand this last week or two were especially troubling to me. Much like the sudden suicide of my brother, and death of both my only grandparents, there was and still is a certain finality about the whole thing.
If you’ve ever lost a loved one unexpectedly, you know that the feelings that troubled you were very different then the typical feeling ” blue” or down. There is a certain finality, a certain heaviness of heart that is present. Those heavy burdens do not rest at night so you can. You cannot shelve them so you can do your job well, or be there for your family. In that sense they are a paralyzing set of feelings.
The emptiness that comes with betrayal, unforgiveness or other human behavior can be as severe as the trauma of having your brother shoot himself in the head after being molested by his catholic priest. I know this for a fact because I have lived through both. This time was different though. I don’t recall ever feeling the way I did ( and still do honestly) before with any family problems, marriage issues or even divorce.
I knew right when this thing started to take its toll that it would need to be published . I didn’t want to publish it, not then, not now not ever. That is how feelings work. They try to get us to believe that we are in charge of what will happen in our future.
So, there were a couple of issues (still present) that appeared to start at the same time. I feel like the one that would most easily be related to by my fellow bloggers would be the issue in my life that has to do with unforgiveness.
I am learning the price of unforgiveness. The cost of refusing to allow God or anybody to help you be able to forgive someone who hurt another. I’m not refusing to forgive anyone.
The thing is the forgiveness was refused to me by a loved one. Things that happened over the years, situations I have had to work through with depression, addiction etc. have now resurfaced over a decade later and from my own family. Most of my family was supportive of me when I tried to get help in several rehabs, spent years trying different meds for major depression, even though I knew most meds for depression do more harm than good. I didn’t know what else to do. I didnt ask to be an addict anyways. But boy am I paying the price for it regardless.
If you are an addict or former addict you likely have run into it somewhere by somebody, Here is the thing to consider; there are only a handful of people who are close enough to you to have the goods on you in such a way that even if your life has totally changed, they can reach into their memory tool belt and start reminding you in great detail just how much damage you did by each individual season in your life.
If you are like me and have been through depression, addiction and 7 hip surgeries which sapped me of everything I had financially , emotionally, physically and spiritually then you have people out there somewhere that at any given moment could bring memories up and hurt you.
In many ways that is what is going on in my life but with a slight twist. The root reason any person would bring up the past would be unforgiveness, However beyond the unforgivness, some might even take offense when you are having even a tiny bit of success in your life. Why should you get to enjoy a moment in your life until you have suffered as long or longer as the people you hurt along the way.
Now we are in an entire different category than just unforgiveness. We are seeing much more than unforgiveness but the bitterness which comes from unforgiveness. That bitterness wants to hurt and tear down as much as possible. In my case it took me many years after I was doing better to even forgive myself and anyone who knows me will tell you that is how I have been all my life. Much harder on me than anyone could ever be. So when a person you love who has known you a very long time or even a sibling decides to reopen those wounds for you believe it takes a special person to enjoy distributing that kind of pain.
The incident this time was especially final. For lack of a better term I just mean it was much different from a quick reference to the past to make a point . The shock for me was that I could tell by the way the play by-play came so naturally with exact times and dates of every error I ever made . In
Perhaps all these years I was fooling myself about having been forgiven. Whatever the case I was totally caught off guard and more significant than that I felt wounded to the point of becoming physically sick. I have not slept or felt normal in two weeks. So in the past weeks I have thought it all through and a question kept popping in my head. ” How come I have never allowed anyone in my life to have that much power over me with their words, but that day I melted like candle wax.”
The answer came in a few minutes and was simple. Not many people in our lives have that kind of power, meaning not just details of wrong, but the ability to make it personal to them and accuse you of robbing them of quality of life. There are always a few people ( usually family members, spouses etc) who have a much greater stash of weapons in their tool belt of memories.
Many people may ” know” about your problem maybe it was even on the news. Who cares, look at Bill Clinton. He has absorbed truthful and embarrassing accusations with proof that he was guilty yet he never even thought of stopping public spotlight. None of the people who ” knew” had the right authority or tools. However, can you imagine if he had not had Hillary trained as well he did? She had and still has the power to drop him in a New York second if he steps out of line again. Fortunately for him, she is as greedy as he is, and has ridden his coat tails all the way to where she got.
My point is that we are always vulnerable to someone. On the other side of the coin if I had to name one lesson I learned during this, is I found out that as a Christian, my security is not 100% in Christ as it should be. My concern should be for His reaction to my life, not any human. It’s just very hard when you have a small circle of family that has the ability to make things hurt more with their words than the average person.
We have all made mistakes. Do not let someone control your emotions by reminding you of your past.
Just when we thought our role as parents was getting unbearable, we are given a strong dose of reality.. I’d like to see someone take the initiative and create a WordPress support for this family. It doesn’t need to cost money, but if anyone would like to coordinate a mass letter drive to send our prayers and support contact me email@example.com.
Sometimes in life we miss the most obvious things, even when they right in our face. The old saying ” you are so close to the foresst you cannot see the trees” is true in many aspects of life and many of them have a direct effect on you and I.
Take the Catholic church and their well organized pedophilia racket. It’s so out in the open that the Catholic church even has a website to share with the public how big of an issue it is. Last time I checked in on their Bishops Accountability site they unashamedly posted just under 30k priests currently involved in a molestation accusation. Let me say that number again. 30 thousand priests ( and those are the ones the church is willing to talk about) So imagine what the true numbers might look like. From the Vatican down they are openly and proudly trying to make it illegal for police to know about any molestation allegations against priests!
One New York Bishop recently proposed to the New York Times that the age of consensual sex for priests and their little play toys and alter boys should be…..brace yourself…age 7.
He is asking that as long as the kid they molested is seven or older, its consensual sex. Im not making this up. No shame in their game at all. Not even hiding it. Yet how many devout Catholics will still be attending mass this Saturday or Sunday with their children. Im a parent folks, and if that is you let me just ask this ..
” What Are You Thinking?”
But this post is not about pedoohiles, it is about something that is also being used as a tool to hurt people for personal gain. Im talking about the big drug companies who make anti-depressants. Folks let me ask that if you have not yet read my home page called ” Mental Health Is Driving Me Crazy” please stop here take 5 to read it as it is the entire foundation for this topic.
Now the article I’m sharing with you is just one of thousands from doctors all over the world. They are trying to clue the public in that they are likely being duped, when it comes to anti-depressants and what their true effectiveness ( or lack of) is.
Just like the pedopriest problem, this information is public and available to everyone, yet nobody seems to be paying attention. The doctors are not giving their ” opinions ” on drugs. They are stating statistical facts that the drug makers themselves are not even hiding. Its identical to the situation in the Catholuc church . Nobody is hiding the sin or wrong doing. We the public follow along each other like sheep being led to the slaughter. Never looking up to see what is going around us.
If you did not know this, sheep are some of the dumbest animals in the world. If sheep are following in a line and the first one marches off the edge of a 200 foot cliff, guess what the others do? They follow it right off the cliff to their death!
We are no better folks. Its really time for us to start paying attention to things like these. Just like the sheep, gullible people walk off cliffs to their death, but it may be meds not the steep cliff that kills us.
Before you read this article I just want to point out again like I usually do that mental health is real, depression is real and there’s no question about that. Many doctors like the one in this article will give you different avenues to deal with depression that don’t have to do with medication.
There are many many alternatives and I’m not saying that all medications are bad, so hear me. I’m saying that in many cases they’re not only bad but harmful and they could cause suicidal thoughts. There is full admittance by the manufacturers, there’s no denying or even attempt to deny it.
I bet every single person that reads this post know somebody if not yourself that’s been on or is taking an antidepressant right now because antidepressants are going to be the second leading drug soon in the whole world prescribe so if that applies to you or a friend or family member share this with them or reblogged this so people can see what is going on.
It’s time that we start paying attention to what’s going around in the world around us. See what this doctor suggests you do if it applies to you or a loved one..
The times we look out a window and wonder what it is that all those people have in their lives that gives them the audacity to smile. Who said its fair that I have to avoid most people simply because I don’t have what it takes to return a smile or answer a question like ” how are you “.
I don’t even know how I will open my mouth at lunch to take a bite of a sandwich, that is if I eat today.
It all seems kind of rude honestly. It seems like a sick pathetic joke that I have to fight myself just to get dressed and out the door to work while everyone else seems to be chirping away like birds in the spring. All the while I’ll bet I’m the only one who has to waste time on a shrink that does me no good.
What a moron I am. Seriously . I’m at a crossroads these days about the whole ” god ” thing as well. I feel on the brink of just pronouncing a “no god” allowed in my life statement out of my anger, or maybe do like many are doing and turn atheist.
The other day I was so angry at God that I played every song on Ac/Dc’s Hells Bells album 5x and played “Sympathy For The Devil” by Jagger and them like half dozen times. Maybe if God was real He could feel a little pain for once.
But that’s when my friend told me that he had the same feelings as I did months ago, and started meetimg with this cool new spiritual enlightenment group of people my age. They decide what “god” they will actually become! How awesome is that?
He told me that lots of people were trying to get in the group but he could get me in. He told me not to pay attention to the naysayers..they were just jealous.
When I told my shrink about my new found friends he starting asking me if I was hearing any voices or anything . Wow, this guy thought I made it all up! What a loser! I’m pouring my heart out and smiling for the first time in a year and he has to be the dream killer.
Just a month later the group moved away but didn’t tell me. I’m so depressed . I’m not sure I have any reason to go on. I’ve no girlfriend, no family., no real friends, and all I want to do is go get high .
I went down by the prairie path which is a little trail inbetween hundreds of acres of orange groves. That’s where you get whatever drug you need down here. The dealers basically set up shop in the middle and no cops can see them, hear.them or find them . Just too many ways out. I scored some zanny bars, a bag or two of H, and a few oxy 80s…
Then, I Bounced back home to a nice empty house to chillax..
I figured once I was good and ragged out all the pieces would come together for me. So I stayed high for 3-4 days or so. Noboby knew, my parents were on an anniversary trip and hell I’m 19 anyway. I can roll with whoever I please.
About a week later I felt the shake of a strong hand, and when I looked up from the floor I was passed out on, I saw my dad looking down at me with tears rolling down his face. He saw my needles other junk and smelled me since I hadn’t showered. I was ready for it all. The old ” get outta my house ” screams , and the belittling that I saw on television all the time between parents and their children.
But it never came. Just some amazing grace As a matter of fact, my father looked into my eyes and never took his eyes off mine. He began to weep and put his arms around me. He asked me if there is anything he could do for me or get right now. I knew my father was a strong Christian and we never had any major fall outs before, but I didn’t expect this when he caught me using drugs in his house. I did not expect absolute 100% unconditional love and mercy. But I learned later on that its that very save unconditional live that should be drawing people to their heavenly Father.its the key that unlocks our desire to obey.
We embraced for several minutes without saying a word and soon my father said to go pack a bag. “I want to take you somewhere.”
A little while later and we were off driving away in his jeep, I had no idea where we were going to go, but as we begin to drive, he began to explain to me. Where you are, headed. he said ” i’ve never had the problems that you have right now ” and dont know what it feels like.
But whatever you need and wherever we have to go, I’ll be by your side, I’ll never leave you from the beginning of this journey until it’s over. Hours later we ended up at a log cabin way up in the mountains that his buddy owned and let him use for the weekend.
We spent some time there just him and talking about life about how we felt about God, about problems and how today’s world is a very difficult. But again even though he let me vent about how I felt and how my problems felt so big- he didn’t pretend to understand them but he was desperately trying to find somebody who did.
He made a promise to me that day that he wasn’t going to leave my side during the entire ordeal as long as it took for me to feel better. He was going to find somebody with inside information on the process of mental health and addiction. A person that could minister to me better than anybody else.
we spent quite a bit of time in that cabin and he did find me somebody that I could relate to and we did work through many of the issues- it did make me feel a whole lot better. Not cured , but much better . Not finished yet but I possessed something I had not in a long time..
All the learning I did those weeks with the help of a person who had been through it, I can truly say that it was just a few paragraphs spoken by dad to me at the end of our trip that have stuck with me and saved me from falling into deep depression again..
Dad said this;
Money comes and goes, jobs come and go. Health comes and goes , cars too. Even relationships , spouses come and go while on this earth. Look for peace and hope in those and you will live a rollar coaster life.
But the Lord is the same yesterday , today and forever!
If you put all your security, trust and hope in Him, you will never do without peace.
And now in closing I.present you all with the entire point of this post.
What, oh what can we offer to those in distress as told above if we ourselves don’t have the peace of the Lord to share? Nothing eternal, nothing any bigger then the latest mind over matter seminar , correct?
The answer to the title of this post is HOPE.. For without HOPE where does the strength to go on come from ?
Alcoholics dont have to be found on the side of the road homeless and passed out. Alcoholics come in white collar too..
Its just more evidence that the disease does not discriminate.
If you’ve ever wondered why I keep pushing for services for everyone and talking about providing treatment that actually does something besides make the providers rich, and keep talking about providing virtual services and all those things today is your day. You are in for a rare treat, ESPECIALLY if you or a loved one has seemed to be stuck in an addiction cycle forever.
Never in my 23 years as a social worker working with addicts and in mental health or behavioral health, have I ever been so blessed as I was today to be able to share this with you; actual documented of how truly stupid our whole system is when it comes to addictions treatment. It’s almost hard for me to believe. What you’re looking at is a post on LinkedIn by a clinician that works in addictions. She says ( I am paraphrasing)
“I have this client and he’s like this and this and this anyone got any advice on what to do with him?” I was reading going –No, lady but you should! You are the ” specialist”
You’ll notice it says 83 comments. Out of 83 comments I think they were over 70 opinions from clinicians and doctors and addiction specialists giving opinions on what she might do. Actual opinions suggesting a certain diagnoses and even treatment recommendations.They have never met him don’t know anything about him and they’re recommending their brand of treatment.
Nobody should be publicly posting that type of information to begin with. It would be easy to track the kid down just by where she works, and a little homework. So if you had it in your family or a friend or you are an addict not everybody thinks that you’re crazy. If you’re an addict- I know the truth and there are lots of people who are trying to come forward and help an addict so they can get effective treatment.
It is bad enough that people seem to think addiction is a hobby like golf – but they don’t even get the fact that just as diabetes is a disease, so is addiction. Would you go to the cancer unit at a major hospital and start yelling at all the patients to ” snap ” out of it ? Of course not. The families of addicts do it each day. To make things worse, nobody seems to know how to treat it..
I wonder how those people would respond if I told them that about 10% of addicts in treatment right now are doctors…
Personally I was invited to meet with a major insurer in July to be considered in a joint partnership to build treatment centers using my model of care. I am doing all I can to bring awareness to the terrible system we live in. If you have read my home page ” mental health its a crazy business” you know that this same problem exists there too. Basically whoever or whatever company is getting paid to ” treat ‘ ( its hard to even call it that) patients in addictions and mental health facilities get paid their 50-100k per bed no matter of the patient does better or not..
I want you to keep this in mind every time you want to judge anybody who can’t seem to shake an addiction. Don’t you think they would like to get better instead of being stuck in hell while everyone around them shouts how they should ” try ” harder! Excuse me, but try harder at what? As you can see the ones supposed to be teaching addicts how to try don’t know themselves! Sad.
Lets hope this momentum keeps up where people are starting to open their mouths like Forbes…
I guess I wasn’t very clear on my post about Mike Carey -some are asking about mental health issues.
If you are currently seeking treatment for any Mental Health –Behavioral Health or Addictions Issue – YES!
DO NOT go and spend hundred’s or thousands of dollars on anything before you contact Mike ..
He has also helped many people with these issues as well. Whether you’re just seeking treatment – or you have been getting treatment with little success-
Contact him while you can.
Read the testimonials on his site here. Then make the call. His contact info is on this site below.
After reading this how do you feel about your diagnosis or your family member’s diagnosis?
Are they valid?