We all get so caught up in all the negativity in what is going on in today’s world that we thought a monthly post highlighting some really good things would be cool. You can just use your first name unless you are alright with the publicity. It can be something you are thankful for like finding a job after a long absence, a healing of a sickness that has been plaguing you or your family.
If you have good news form the writing world, like a book published, or an article published, or any milestone no matter how big or small. We have spent a year complaining so why not continue this thanksgiving spirit throughout the year?
Here is all you do. Drop me an email at email@example.com and put ” Good News” in the subject line. Then give a brief summary of what happened that you are excited about and thankful for . If you want to keep your name a secret just use initials and if you would like the publicity just use your entire name and any other details you want included!
Its free and fun! We all need a reversal of mindset sometimes, share with us what has happened to you and we will post it!
The Essential Role of Grandparents and Child’s Upbringing
Anthropologist Margaret Mead once stated that the connection between family generations is essential for strong mental health and stability of a nation. In today’s culture of multi-carer and single-parent homes, having involved grandparents will go a long way to help fill in the void for children. According to research from the Generations United Organization, studies claim that children living with their grandparents have greater benefits in mental health, socialization, financial stability, and overall health than the general population. If you ask any adult to recall a fond memory from their childhood, chances are most of them will include their grandparents. For children, this special bond with their grandparent gives them comfort and strength that sticks with them far into adulthood.
Guidance in Parenting
Grandparents are the backbone and support of the entire family. In fact, about 7.8 million children in the United States alone live in households supported by grandparents. When both parents work full-time jobs, the grandparents are usually the ones who devote their time and energy towards the care of their grandchildren.
Benefits the Entire Family
According to research from Boston College, studies found that emotionally close ties between grandparents and adult grandchildren reduce symptoms of depression in both groups. Children who have a strong bond with their grandparents reveal to have a sense of emotional closeness and social support. A strong relationship will effectively model a healthy relationship and reduce the negative effects of their surroundings.
Grandparents tend to have more patience and time on their hands, which allows them to become the child’s playmates. In many families, grandparents often watch their grandchildren when parents work or visit during the weekends. This allows parents to have someone they can rely on to talk about parenting and trust to watch their children when necessary.
There is no doubt that grandparents play a strong role in the mental health and upbringing of their grandchildren. The wealth of knowledge grandparents possess and the experiences they share cannot be found anywhere else. It is through them that children instill traditions, gain additional support and create values within the family.
I have paid close attention to every accusation, attack, and attempt at bringing the Trump train down since the election started. I am here to remind everyone that almost every attempt at doing so has failed, resulting in even more idiotic accusations which so far have been proven false and ended with yet another tempter tantrum with an even wilder attack on Trump and anyone on the right in general. However in order to truly put an end to these ridiculous attempts at changing Americas mind, we must understand the method behind the madness.
In this case I am sharing Glamour magazines new pick for ” woman of the year”.
To date it has probably one of the top 5 of the most bold and crazy effort at a subject called “Desensitization”.Please pay close attention to this word as it relates directly to this matter.
I am going to give you the meaning of two words that I believe are the foundation for where we are in our battle against sharia law, and abuse of women in general that happens each day more and more. Here they are;
1– Projection- In psychology, projection is defined as; “a theory in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities ( both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others
2- Desensitization-In psychology desensitization is defined as ; ” the diminished responsiveness to a negative , aversive or positive stimulus after repeated exposure to it”
One of the behaviors we have seen consistently from the losing team here is temper tantrums. If you are a parent you know all about these.
” Fine if you wont let me play I am taking my ball and going home.”
Now there are many options on how to play a losing hand. One is to just make it a mission to talk bad about the winner and if a chance to trip them up comes your way, you will take it even though the shows already over, just because a sore loser. However if the key players are not just sore losers, but more on the anti-social side – this is now the beginning of a war in the mind’s of the losing team.
This looks more like ” Fine if you wont let me play I am taking my ball and going home” with a part two ” And I am going to take you down however I have to no matter what the voters said. You better watch your back Jack”.
Now you have constant personal attacks and efforts to downgrade the winner so you feel better about yourself. In this method, wild and absolutely crazy accusations are made on the winning party. This is not about expecting to convince everyone that what you’re saying today is true, because it’s usually too crazy. These attempts at personal lives, or a book on why the loss took place are designed to establish and continue to keep that little door open in the minds of the people and take whatever collateral damage you can get while reloading with another campaign to follow. If they cannot reverse the entire group at once they at least are launching their effort to desensitize….which as you recall means to minimize a horrible situation and make people more accepting by shouting from housetops, ( or CNN, The Washington Post, etc).
This is where America ( except the Trump train) has and is really dropping the ball. We are now allowing things to take place legally here that most would never have even discussed 10 years ago because it’s so ridiculous. While this is softening the hearts of people who just vote like robots and don’t think about right and wrong we also have that other word projection kicking in.
Remember this is when someone who is committing hideous behavior actually succeeds in numbing people by accusing the other side, the winning team of doing the very thing they themselves are guilty of. Now these are going on stronger than even today by people like Hillary and like the link you can read at the top of this page where Glamour magazine named a rabid supporter of sharia law and sings its praises as this years ” woman of the year “. Yes its true. The cutting off of limbs for woman who disrespect their men and the murder of others like the one I posted before this who wore western clothes so was hacked to death by her loving husband.
Why am I telling you this? Because this is a huge part of where we are dropping the ball. We are a desensitized nation. We have let some major players in some dangerous games who have all the leg room they want. I am trusting that the pattern will continue, that Trump will continue to be untouched by even some of the nastiest attacks.
Every now and again Trump will take an opportunity to rub the salt in the wound, but hey if that’s the worst he does, he is excelling…
Last week I was involved in a pity party. Now let me clear, this one was not self hosted. This one just surround me, enveloped me and I felt like a could not get out. I felt so sorry for myself that I was shutting the laptop down, not changing my clothes for a day or two, and so selfish that I decided not not return any messages that first day. I did not even look up to wave at the old lady who waves to me all the time by the beach when I walk. I felt the ocean itself should feel blessed that I even decided to make the walk that day. Yeah it was pretty bad.
But it got worse. I got to the ” comparing my life to others thing” . I would see my dream jacked up Silverado roll by as just assume he must have won the lottery. Not that he worked for it. This lasted 4–5 days and I was oh so pitiful.
One day last week I got started thinking about the veterans. The guys who had seen that were still affecting them 40 years later. Things worthy of rocking their world. I started taking note of some of the homeless vets who were suffering from PTSD but just returned to jail for trespassing instead of being offered the treatment they needed, They were dumpster diving for food, 50 years old but looking 70. Then I am bombarded by all the lawsuits actual traitors are winning for time served before they turned coat. The illegal immigrants getting more benefits for free than most of us ever get. I cannot imagine having to for the best dumpster food all the while knowing what they know.
Christian Author / Artist Joni Erickson. Joni broke here neck, leaving her totally paralyzed for 50 years now. She can only speak, and draw with a pencil in her mouth these amazing sketches. Totally paralyzed relying on an amazing husband to take her to the rest room , change here and feed her 24/7. My problems just started to look smaller and smaller.
I could go on all day with examples but the point here is We Are Not “Wherever We Go”. Most of problems although some serious, do not have to dictate where we are in our mind. That is up to us. It’s a matter of perspective and to some extent our knowledge of what is going on every day around us. Child trafficking, organized pedophile rings even in the church, entire families lost in a day from an accident. Hundreds of things that make our situations look very minor. Not all, but many.
So here is what I recommend we all do from now on. Take some time to actually select a group of really needy or hurting people and plan an ongoing outreach once per week or month and celebrate those people. It’s a win-win situation for all. We get the benefit of seeing someone lifted up and we get the real perspective of just how serious our own ” problems” are.
Try it, you don’t make it policy anymore to allow your circumstances to dictate where you ” are” .
These guys are tireless. Even when they get off from their wrecktory for a day, here you are, seeing them out in the community trying to have a hand in really changing a young persons life..Volunteering for weekend playground monitors, helping with potty training in malls, and some even volunteer to watch the young kids while momma and daddy get to shop for a few hours. Those kids will never be the same just because of the giving hearts and hands of the ministry..
Can you imagine where those kids might be today had they not had the opportunities afforded them compliments of some of the Priesthoods finest?
II should be clear that according to the Catholic Churches own Bishop accountability log, only around 30k priests are even under investigation…so its clearly just a few bad apples, right?
Its A Glorious Day For Confessions! All DAY! Gather Round Little Boys…
Sometimes I like to incorporate humor into my posts to keep the site from just being about depression and addiction and PTSD etc… I just cannot be all too funny with this. This is a topic that is DEADLY. I remember, because my brothers suicide wont seem to get out of my mind some days. So I am going to ask everyone to stop and read this, and you know what it may not even apply to you. But it could prevent what happened with my family. I cannot undo the gunshot that ended my brothers life. But I can share my 20 years of experience in mental health and addictions, from a personal, and then a professional standpoint. I sure hope you will send this to anyone that seems like they may be one step away from tragedy. If it is you. I tell you what to do at the end. Anyhow, I hope you take this to heart. Anyone who follows me knows how much I love you all and just want to keep getting the word out that you cannot delay treatment for mental health without terrible consequences. But let me say this, there is some really good news on here about the success we are having worldwide in a new area to help….tj
Is Therapy Going To Drive Me To Suicide?
Most people in and around the mental health field as a client or provider are familiar with these two terms. The question is, what is the difference? Its a valid question that deserves an honest answer.
So your deciding how to address the situation your going through and the options. Whether it be a depression issue, a divorce issue or any other circumstance that has proved itself to be interfering in your routine to the point that you need at least some action. Lets face it, there are thousands of different providers who all claim to offer up the most successful, healing, lasting and least restrictive and intrusive on your life.
Where do you start? A friend’s recommendation? An ad that catches your eye or ear? The most well known methods? Its a tough call for anyone. It does not have to be. You see just as we have progressed in other industries like automobiles, and appliances and homes, the same applies when it is time for mental health choices. We don’t screw bolts into the sides of peoples heads anymore to see the effect. We don’t torture people hoping to alter behavior or feelings. Things have improved. Much progress has been made in these areas and you will do yourself a disservice by not following up on what is working and what is not.
Just because you are struggling with an issue in your life does not paralyze your ability to educate yourself. Of course you must be strong enough to make your own decisions and choices on treatment unless you are in need of inpatient care. This post is about outpatient care. If you follow along you just may see clearly some things that have been unclear until now. I have had extensive experience in both coaching and therapy, both as a client, and eventually as a professional for 20 years. To try and break down all the theories of personality and modalities of treatment would take an entire book. In my opinion it is not necessary.
Everyone has their opinion about what works best and many of the ideas have validity and can indeed help. However do you want to get 45% help when another method would bump that up to 85%? Of course not. Let me add that I have no dog in the hunt. Our team together has decades of experience in just about every major modality used in outpatient therapy. If you want to come lay on a couch each week while we remind each other how miserable your life has been, someone will take your money. But what about outcomes? After all the whole point of therapy is to get better and move on with your life, right?
What if medication is recommended? We all know that game right? Try this for 6 weeks, if it does not make you feel good we will change to the next, and the next and so on. You may be caught up in a weekly sit down regurgitating old dark memories for a year before any medications start working. That is , if they ever work, since even major drug makers have admitted that 5 or 6 of their latest anti-depressants actually cause suicidal thoughts.
OOPS! Yeah, it does happen and it is not uncommon.
But even so, therapy is just so much more ” professional ” sounding. It must be the best if its been around so long. I mean this coaching thing is fairly new. Why take chances on that when you can enjoy the benefits listed above of a therapeutic model?
Maybe because coaching works.
Lets take a closer look at this whole coaching model. The coaching models at least that I am familiar with takes the therapy model and turns it on its head. It rejects everything traditional long term therapy stands for.
Coaching focuses on what is right in your life. What you can do well. What strengths we have. A return to normalcy as soon as possible in the least restrictive environment is key. On the other hand have we all not at one time or another seen a post or article that begins with ” I have been seeing my therapist now for 5 years ” or ‘ My therapist says he thinks I need a higher dose of medication”. If you have not, you need not leave WordPress because they are everywhere.
Try finding one that says they have had their coach for more than a few months. It will be tough. The reason being is coaches create independence for you by emphasizing what you can do and have done well, whereas a typical therapy session will hover around how many failures or let downs occurred and how did you deal with them. If not monitored closely therapy can simply become something you must depend on and have or you will crack. It also can make for real strong job security for the provider. I am in no way saying that this is always the case, I am simply pointing out the facts.
Let me give you another example that may be easier to illustrate. AA & NA have been absolutely famous and known to be the savior for millions who swear they cant make it without it. There is good reason for that. Part of the mantra you must repeat and repeat and repeat until its drilled in your head is that you are powerless over your addiction. Sounds like pure healthy honesty right? We need to face the truth, right? The problem here folks is that most AA & NA programs have a tough time breaking into double digits as far as success in remaining sober for 12 months. Hmm. Sounds like AA & NA need the addicts more than the addicts need it.
Now I can already here people yelling at me reciting the serenity prayer and how the program has kept you clean for 5 years. If that is true, good for you and stick with it. The problem is we have this other 90% who fail and fail and fail. This group is just as important as the 10% who are doing well. right? The program or therapeutic modality cannot replace the addiction. Trading one addiction for another is , well not the goal.
Lets quickly review. Coaching is a process where someone trained in the area your needing comes along side of you and helps you identify your strengths, address any negative patterns that are interfering with your life and resets your thinking and goals to align with your abilities. This process in general is a much shorter and effective one that rarely disturbs your daily routine and acts more as a cheerleader to help you up and out of a rut then a tape recorder that plays your most hideous memories over and over until one week you think you have it beat- but then at your therapy session your forced to drag it back out of the dark corner of your head.
Coaching is not becoming dependent in any way on someone else. Therapy can lead to a total dependency on a person to survive, and even worse create a stigma that you are lesser of a person because you cannot live life normally or without the handicap of a label, diagnoses, or medication.
Am I saying that therapy is a waste and coaching is the only way to get help? Of course not. What I absolutely am saying is that one better be educated on their true need lest they become involved in a very dependent situation that may strip you of self esteem when that method is not needed. I have been a therapist. I have been a coach which is what I am more involved in then formal therapy. There will always be times when someone is in need of long term clinical therapy. What I have learned however is that everyone deserves the chance to be helped up and out of a rut through short term coaching before the much more restrictive clinical environment.
Besides the the stigma, the dependency, and the long term visits in the therapy model, you also need to understand that the difference financially between the two are radical and you are talking tens of thousands of dollars for any long term clinical therapy and that is besides medications. Why would you put yourself or anyone you love in that box before you give them a chance to be coached back to health? So far I have given you my personal and career experience, but in case your wondering, the established and very well run coaching programs that are in existence now are running circles around any treatment centers for addictions and over 20 other issues from domestic violence to PTSD. As a matter of fact many insurance companies wont even pay for therapy anymore. That is right, they pulled out and are happy to pour their efforts into legit coaching programs. Why would they, when the success rates on coaching is 75% and up and traditional treatment centers around 20%? Not to mention coaching is 1/3 the cost if not more to you and to insurers.
I want to close with a very important point. This article is designed to offer new options and hope to those who may not be familiar with coaching model. Any good therapist or doctor will tell you the truth about whether long term expensive therapy is needed or if coaching is what will work best for the client. I wont lie to you, just like any industry, not every provider is truthful and many will keep you or your child locked up and medicated as long as the payer will pay. Authorities are trying to crack down on those who use clients for personal gain but with tens of thousands of programs, it is very hard.
Take a few minutes and enjoy a laugh. The Old School Psychiatrists Were Just a little more upfront and honest with their patients then in today’s world- Would it not be nice if all Doctors were this up front! Today she would likely here ” Maam, you have OCD, your in denial, you are paranoid and I think these 3 prescriptions may help….We can all learn a thing or two from this Bob Newhart clip…
I have worked with and still do some of the finest clinical therapists around and they are excellent. Doctors as well and in no way am I saying nobody needs clinical therapy. What I am doing here is giving you all a little heads up about what is coming down the pipe. Coaching has proven itself, its cost effective, and is the latest and greatest alternative to what we had to live with. You will hear about it if you have not. All the Don’t Label My Kid! Team members are coaches and you can check out our areas of expertise on the home page menu. Read a quick bio of what we each do and reach out to us if you think you need help. We always work with people and have yet to turn anyone away.
This is a post I would not have written even two years ago. However the coaching success, and opportunities for those who have been coached to actually become working coaches after they find success makes this a win win for anyone and everyone. Don’t put it off anymore. No matter what the age, race, background, or need- believe me we have been there and done it. Just look at our bios and you will understand. If you are doing great, and your kids are doing great. but you have this friend from church, neighbor, or relative that is hurting- be the one to help them get help. You never know what people may be just one more step away from and the tragedy of ignoring it can do.
When my brother shot himself after we just watched some television together, I sure wish I would have asked him why he was so quiet for 2 hours. But, I did not. Instead he walked out the door and shot himself in the head. Don’t let that happen to anyone you know. Contact us immediately for prompt response.
Write these contacts down. Print this out. Share with a friend. Share with your followers. We cannot help unless you get in touch. At the bottom is a personal cell number that is available to call 24/7- 365. If you are in trouble now, or know who is , you may call it anytime.
Otherwise for a consult about a family plan, or individual need and 100% confidential, email one of these – leave a contact number in the subject if you wish to be called back
firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com
Have you ever met someone who just had a special talent for absolutely tearing people apart with their mouth? The vitriol spewed out like the lava from a volcano, just hot and hurtful as they could be?
You will remember them many years after because the wounds from those attacks don’t heal real quickly. The verbal exchanges almost always include a piece of very personal information that you willingly shared with them and now they are using your own trust against you by bringing it back up.
There are two reasons people get that mad, in that fashion and are oblivious and apathetic towards others, and here they are.
1- They have been very hurt themselves ..
2 – They have been very hurt themselves..
Why People Are So Mean
“Hurt people hurt people, and loved people love people.”- unknown
This is so true and applies to just about every situation involving the words we say. It would not matter so much if words themselves were not so powerful.
I can think of 5-6 scripture verses off the top of my head about the power our tongue has. We are not warned that wrong words may cause a little irritation, or make someonefrown. Nope.
We are told in no uncertain terms that this is life and death. The ability to completely destroy another’s self-confidence and break their will down..words are dangerous and you can see by the image in this post what God has to say about those who don’t control their tongues. The outlook is not too bright.
I was a hideous killer of people’s hearts when I was a teen. I remember saying things to people when I was angry and noticed the effect my comments were having on others. I was more shocked and confused then anything, after all this was common dinner table talk with my dad around. It meant absolutely nothing to me and i considered others weak. It was not until I was in my 20’s that I believe God showed me the big picture. I think He had mercy on me because up until then these unbelievable words I was spewing out meant nothing to me.
The important part is that as a result of my learning the truth about how my words got where they were, I had to pass by the places and things that I had so much built up anger about and start acknowledging them so I could work through my own healing. Otherwise not much would change. Remember the saying ” Hurt people Hurt people and loved people love people” If we remain in a state of a hurt heart, our words are not likely to change. That is where the grace of God and His healing of memories comes in.
Hopefully statements like the one above wont be so common out of our mouths anymore. Whether you are the hurt one spewing out comments that tear people up inside, or you have been on the receiving end of the negativity, take action. Pray for the person who is hurting you but don’t put yourself in front of them too much until things change. If its unavoidable such as a spouse, then its time to come clean whichever side you are on and make some changes.
Are you a hurt person or a loved person? You measure that by your fruit. The words that come from your lips.
(*Note this is part 2/3 in a post about Faith, and how it pertains to Addiction and Mental health. Please see home page for the part one posted two days ago.)
The first part of this post was about determining who is going to be in charge in your life, and your circumstances whether good, bad or ugly. This part of the post for those who have chosen to surrender it all to the Lord Jesus Christ, whether that be years ago, recently, or just now as you have read the first post on this. ( If you have just received Christ or rededicated yourself as a result of this post, please leave a comment so I can reach out to you personally)
*I have added a 3rd and final post which will be the final post after this one.
Now that you who are reading this likely know who your ” Captain” is in Jesus, what exactly does this mean for your situation in mental health or the addiction you have been fighting for 15 years? Just because you are a Christian, now all things will get better and your diseases will disappear? What are these “promises” I keep hearing about?
Maybe these are some of the questions on your mind. I am going try to answer the most important ones, and answer them from my personal testimony and life experiences . My goal is to let you in on the reality of what God does and does not promise when it comes to our sickness and addictions, and also what you can truly expect from trusting 100% in God’s Word for every circumstance you find yourself in.
I am going to make some statements that might sound a little different then some you have heard about the topics we discuss. You see I am not theorizing here. Everything I tell you is something I have walked through personally in almost every case, and in the rare instant I did not, I either worked with a population who fit in that group or have special training in the area. I have been labeled or diagnosed both officially and unofficially with more than 6 ” disorders ” ranging from PTSD to Major Depression to Addiction . All the while I was getting trained as a Social Worker and working in the field as well. I got my share of experience. I like to think of my time in rehab and at meetings, along with half a dozen doctors, as ” internships ” to help me be a great Social Worker. Yeah, I like to.
For the entire time I struggled with trauma as a young child to addiction beginning as a teen, I would have always considered myself a Christian. I had no problem believing that I was a sinner who needed a savior and that Jesus took care of that at the cross.
Mom prayed & kept a journal each morning. Years later I realized the impact it had.
I understood bits and pieces of the Christian life an even saw great examples of faith in actions through my mother, who was always ( and still does) up at the crack of dawn sitting on the couch having her devotional time, and always writing more and more in her prayer journals. I also witnessed enough of real Christians to know that God was real and there was a difference in those who were faithful believers and those who were still chasing ” the fish learned to walk and became a man 50 billion years later ” stories, or in those who simply did not feel the need to make God a priority at the time.
As I entered adulthood I was very fortunate to have a few key people who God put in my way to get me from point A to point B. Then He put 1 or 2 very unique people that were more of mentors and still are. I described my life as a teen a someone who was a Christian, and knew God was real and all. Honestly other than the fact that we went to church, I never saw or felt much of a difference between me and the non believer. Really until I was in my late 20’s or so I thought there was one benefit of being saved -heaven. Don’t get me wrong, I was not complaining! I just did not see any other benefits other than eternal life with God.
When I went to college for social work, my brother had recently killed himself without any warning and also I had lost both my grandparents. So we had 3 funerals kind of close together for people who were in my very small inner circle of family. I went in kind of starting a new chapter in my life as I was also starting a 5 year career at Father Flanagan’s Boys Town. Somewhere between baggage of my childhood, my ongoing addiction issue, the pressures of a new job and college were really getting to me. So, what did I do?
I got married and started a family to add to those things! Wow. I really had it out for myself.
About 5 years into my career and after I graduated from college, I felt something beginning to crack in me. I was trying to handle all the pressures which already were overwhelming, I could not without wanting to use alcohol to cope. Then came the divorce and not being with my 2 boys each night anymore. That tore me apart.
So many pressure laced things were happening to me, some self-induced and some just life, that I rarely could ever even speak to anyone about it. They would become so overwhelmed by just me sharing a few examples that I could tell they were not ready to hear all of my real struggles. On top of that my ex is 100% narcissistic and totally used each one of my failures to somehow make her a victim or regain the spotlight in any way possible. Little things like getting arrested for DUI were impossible to hide from her. Imagine. She had word out that I had been running with the mafia or something. At this point in my life I was absolutely stripped of anything I had ever had, material or emotionally, and could not put one foot in front of the other. I ended up in my first alcohol/ drug rehab. ( oh, I mean internship).
Realizing that the Word is 100% true and it never lies. Ever.
Through a series of events God aligned me with the person who would serve as a spiritual mentor in a way I was not used to. My mother demonstrated faith to me. This friend of my mother’s was brought to me for an entirely different purpose. I was going to see how a person lives their lives according to Gods Word. This lady had and still has been disciplined enough to spend several hours each day studying the Bible.
I remember calling her many many times asking for advice, which she refused to give. The answer always went like this ” Well, you know what the Word says about that ” – I was like ” Oh no I don’t ! I would not even know where to look. You mean they talk about real life stuff in there? ” That was around 20 years ago, and it was the beginning of a life long journey I am still on . It was as if one day that dusty old Bible of mine came alive and became relevant and very important to my decisions. After a year of her mentoring me, it occurred to me that ALL of life’s issues are answered in there. Man I could have saved myself some real heartache! Even though this post is about mental health and addiction, I assure you that the Word of God is absolutely infallible and always the best resort for any life decisions.
Our Words and Gods Word They Must Line Up
Once we get to the place where we have the revelation deep down that the Word really is God breathed, we must also understand that we must know that Word in order to activate it. When you and I became believers, every promise in that book is available to us and us only. The problem is, just as with any gift given us, if we do not reach out to take it and use it, it is of zero value. So it goes with the bible. Now that you got all of the above, it is time to find out where in this Word my needs right now are addressed. My worry, my anxiety, my addiction, etc. These are all addressed and we have specific instructions. Lets take worrying for example. One of my favorite verses on this topic is in Proverbs 3:5-6 ” Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight “.
So when you start worrying you now have an alternative to go to. A real life (not mind over matter) word from God on how to handle it. Next you must learn to substitute the promises God gives for all the negative self talk like ” I am sooo worried I think I will have a heart attack ” You would be shocked at how many people speak their way into sickness because they refuse to control their tongue. It is critical that once you know the specific word for your situation, you recite it aloud whenever you can to remind yourself of the truth. Of what God says about your situation, regardless of how it looks either.
The final post will be on specific scripture and promises for those sick, including addiction and mental illness. The final post is your blueprint for freedom from bondage – Gods way and His timing. I will post it no later than Sunday, two days away.
I saw a commercial the other day with a guy who was playing a novelist. In the commercial he is at the old typewriter just staring into space with his hands ready to type away and nothing but a blank page. He just kept on and on gritting his teeth and waiting for something to come to him. He was not enjoying himself. I don’t know how people do that. Just decide its ” writing ” time and take a seat. To me that’s like stopping at the restroom at certain times, regardless if it was the right time..lol
I am aware that some of you may do this also, and I am here to help you through that. You see if you have to knock on creativity’s door – it cannot be natural. Setting a time to write but not having a spring in your step to get going is missing out on something. If you are not experiencing a creative cerebral takeover that you cannot wait to put into words then check yourself. Maybe it just is not meant to happen.
We have all finished a post and as we are wrapping it up we take a quick scan and go ” why did I even bother “. That’s why I have 200 drafts. Nowadays I don’t even bother unless something earlier struck me, or I have something fresh on board. Basically ” If itain’t tight, I don’t write “. It feels so much better when you have that feeling that what you are writing serves some purpose.
I know that I am not always right. I have my share of posts that I think will bring the WordPress CEO calling to tell me how much he loved it but in actuality the like section is quite lonely. That is okay because I enjoyed writing it and that sure beat trying to finish a post quickly because you just are not into it. I am not saying to decrease your writing or not post as much. I think I am trying to tell you not to settle. Make yourself dig deeper until that burst of energy to get writing is back.
I say only write when it is right and write when its tight!
As predicted, we continue to be blessed with people who fit right into our mission and who have very special gifts and talents to offer. To round out the Don’t Label My Kid! team, we are very proud to call Jenny our 4th team member. Jenny has already accomplished much for the good of people struggling with addictions, and we expect even greater things as we work together to provide the very best options for people needing assistance, Please check out her site ( link at bottom page) and get familiar with publication!
Jenny Clark has worked in the Health Care Industry for over 11 years, specifically Chemical Dependency for over 6 years. Her experience includes Peer Counselor, Intake Coordinator, Admissions and Marketing at several different health departments and treatment centers over the last 11 years. She has assisted in the development of a new treatment center on the treasure coast establishing the protocol for their admissions and business departments.
Her love for people and serving those in need has resulted in the development of All 4 UrAddiction Referral Recovery Guide. This magazine/resource guide prints 10,000 copies quarterly to bring awareness and resources available to those who are suffering from addictions, mental health issues and trauma and their families who are affected by this disease. You will find services such a treatment facilities, in and out patient treatment centers, detoxes, sober living facilities, nutritionists, financial advisors, life coaches, educational resources, support groups and monthly sober activities, as well as legal representatives, therapists, helplines and much more. We will be sharing more about this as we go forward and hope to squeeze an article or two out of her too!
In the world we live in one has about a 50/50 chance of being a step-parent if you are married and have had children. Somewhere down the road says the disturbing data you could be step-mom or step dad to a child or two. It really is a role that has to be carefully considered depending on the circumstances. For example in the event that a child’s biological parent is no longer living it can be a much different role than if they have their biological mom or dad in the picture.
For the purpose of this post I will just be speaking to those families who have all parents in the picture. I speak from experience by the way, not just professionally as I have had step-parents, and also am a step-parent. There are a few key areas to keep in mind as you live with and grow with your step-child. Some rules that need to be followed no matter what else goes on.
1- Never, ever try to replace the child’s biological parent. The most common mistake by far is the brand new step-father or mother who takes a look at the situation and decides how they will ” fix things ” and act as if you are the new sheriff in town. That usually a power trip that is incorporated by insecure people who are just looking to fill some void they have. I recall making statements to my step-daughter and her dad that I was not here to replace anyone. There are also certain things that a dad might say to his daughter that are simply better left to the biological dad. Maybe they are too personal or just reserved for the ” dad ” in daddy’s girl ( see below)
I was in support in any way I can of the father daughter relationship so long as it remained a safe one. In my case it became extremely unsafe and I was faced with a challenge.
The role of protector from the child’s parent can be tough. However it can be simple by just doing one thing. You must involve the child in the process to the extent their maturity level can support. I had many sit downs with my step-daughter asking her what she wanted from the options available. She was in control to some extent. You may be surprised at the ease with which it can all take place. They want to be safe too you know.
Another thing I highly recommend is leaving any major discipline issues to your spouse unless you have such a bond with that child that it does not matter who issues serious consequences. This is more to avoid what is known as ” splitting ” . Splitting is when a child realizes that they have some leverage to use against their step-parent when they go to visit the biological parent.
The ” you wont believe what he made be do for a punishment dad ” from a crying 14-year-old girl. Nothing will light a fire between two men than that. When the biological parent knows that his or her spouse was the primary person involved in any major behavioral issues, it can can bring a sense of common ground and is non-threatening. Some may disagree with my opinion on this, but it is the pragmatic way to go .
A good way to lose the respect of your child is to sit around and bash the child’s biological parent. This happens all too much, and again is usually a sign of insecurity on the part of the step-parent. Lose the trash talk and keep things objective.
Be cordial to the child’s mother or father if at all possible and especially in front of the child. I have a ton of memories of anxiety from when I was a little kid of 6-10 years old and I knew my step-father and biological father were going to cross paths. Weekend pickups and drop offs and pick ups were sometimes a bit of a free for all so I had much anxiety for a long time, and quite honestly I still think of those times and how they made me feel.
A great way to keep peace is to make sure and invite the biological parent to any events or award ceremonies at school that happen on your watch. Even if you cannot stand the site of each other, remember-there is no you in CHILD. It’s about them not you. Many times they wont be able to make it, but at least the child knows they were welcome.
Lastly for today, do not antagonize the other party when you do see them at events. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen either party try to issue a little payback for bad marriage memories in the most immature way. For example the dad is bringing a new date to the daughters middle school graduation and when mom gets wind of this she suddenly has the urge to wear some sleazy cocktail dress with everything hanging out. This just opens doors for problems in an already difficult situation. That is so high school. Keep things workable and try not to open any unnecessary doors for problems.
I think that is plenty to think about to get started, but no matter what the situation teach yourself to always put the child’s feelings and needs first.
You know the media is the media and they will slant here and slant there. However there is a time…when you just have to present truth because you realize it will come out eventually and then you will look like a complete moron. Kind of like CNN has been looking. Lately calling for the impeachment of Trump , citing some glitch in policy or whatever. Meantime, back at the ranch in their newsroom, and off the air, this is what they are really looking at but do not report. Amazing.
“There is a time or everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”
Well, here we are. We have discussed practically every issue in life on this blog in the last four years or so. We have laughed, debated, discussed, prayed and I think I even had a legitimate stalker . The very first mission of this and I hope any blog is to teach. To educate your readers on what it is your here for and especially the question ” what can you do for me”. Today I am going to do a part of my job that is not uncommon in my 20 years as a Social Worker. I am going to press you a little bit. Force you to quit sidestepping and avoiding your needs and issues.
Now don’t think of this as anything negative. Its just the natural progression of things. In my career I would have people make appointments come to the office for some need in the areas of mental health, behavioral health or addictions primarily. There are always exceptions but those were the most popular reasons they would make an appointment to see me.
Almost always on the very first visit I would introduce myself and ask them to tell me about why they were here. I cannot tell you how many stare-offs I had, lol. I would say ” you called me so tell me what I can help you with. ” I never figured out if it was people getting intimidated when they are in a setting they are not used to or what , but so many people forget or froze up. I would usually give them some examples of why people came to see me and gradually somewhere in the list I would here a ” yeah that” or something to help me know where to start probing or asking questions. We always got moving at some point. Some in just a few minutes and some it took a little longer.
On this blog Don’t Label My Kid! I decided to start the educating on my homepage with mental health. I allude to the other areas I am an expert in but that is where I decided to begin, because all our other problems somehow are related to mental health. I then proceeded over the next 3-4 years to make sure I wrote at least 100 articles related to each area I serve. I am not talking about specialty areas like parenting that I also assist and do workshops in, but the main primary areas; Mental, behavior and addictions.
Over 500 total articles on these areas. This is to find out where my reader’s needs are and to get feedback from you as well on any area . As you all well know I always mix in some humor, politics or other issues at random just to keep things from getting to dark and gloomy on here. (Some who pop in at the wrong time think this site is just a random topic site as my last 4 quick posts might have been about humor. lol) Even though I post about a wide variety of topics , they are topics related to life. We are all in that game together.
Now, in this time I have enjoyed a good amount of feedback, comments and gotten a ton from you all about your situations now, past of something you wonder about. I have read and still go over thousands of comments from you all. I have not read anything I have not helped someone with many times over ( except maybe the stalker) .
I have heard from the suicidal, the addicts, the parents who are ready to strangle their kids, the people of faith who ask me how I can still believe in God, then the burned out Christians. I have also gotten messages from people suffering with PTSD, abused wives, and people who have had experiences with sexual abuse. This has been especially popular since I have been writing about Father Gondek . People are much more likely to share if they are not alone. My point is, you are here for a reason. I can assure you God did not lead you here to get more depressed or addicted. He did not bring me here to write about your struggles so you can leave the house every day with fresh depression. We are here for a change. It’s what I call a divine appointment.
The stage we are at now, is called Execution.
Execution is where action takes place. It is where you quit playing around with your problem. You quit lust ” liking ” every post about your topic, you take the next step in your journey. It is the favorite part of work life, as I get to use my gifts and help people in general solve problems. How though? What do you do – even if you wanted to take the next step to help? Well, there are three possible answers.
You are getting your first assignment in moving forward with your issues. You should write this date down on your calendar as the day you ” executed “-
Before you can execute you have to select one of the following scenarios that best fits you
1- I have never reached out for help
2-I have reached out but no progress ( gave up )
3-You are currently trying things but have not got anywhere or don’t know if your counsel is right, or the money you would spend is worth it.
Now, I want you to select the one that describes you best. Usually one of those is it. If not no problem we can identify it. So make your selection. Great.
Now – as a consultant I take on three roles, depending on which of the above fits you.
If you are #-
#1-I am your ADVISOR– I will start by accessing your need, identify the best care plan and follow you through the process as needed.
#2-I am your INTERVENTIONIST-I help you resume your attempts by picking up the pieces of whatever you did gain or learn, and reconnecting , but with the appropriate services.
#3- I am your COACH- I act as support to what you think you may want to try, and am someone to stand along side of you as you navigate the process and coach you as is necessary to keep you on he right track.
Your 2nd assignment today is to figure out whether I am your Advisor,your interventionist, or your coach. So, which one?
Here is the moment of truth. You pick up the phone or email me to identify what you are in need of. I have broken it down so you can easily identify your needs from me.
(Although I am very good, I have yet learned to read minds of my followers.)
Touch base to get a Plan Of Care started now!
Cell- Txt- Call- 386-675-7549
*Now a few important things have when you contact me
1- if it involves a child, any and all IEP or special class information from school. Also any mental health official diagnoses or medications they are on or have ever been on. I don’t need copies but I need you to accurately tell me the report. If you are needing help for yourself I just need your past and current mental health diagnises
2- If you are an addict or have a loved one is and you need help – DO NOT GET ANY HELPUNTIL YOU TALK TO ME . PERIOD. Many organizations today get paid to fill beds- not make it a good fit for the client. Also if you walk into a rehab with no knowledge of the process and what you really need, you or your friend’s success rate is about 24%
Again- Any addicts reading or if you are trying to help one get help. CALL ME first. It is critical that you have an understanding of what rehab REALLY means. It’s not what you think.
Wow, I cannot remember writing more than one or two posts about my current personal struggles in a long while. Yet it is here, it is heavy on my heart and my fingers are near a keyboard. I vowed from day one to be transparent when I write here and I have. I truly believe any success this blog has had is in large part due to the fact that I don’t sugarcoat or bypass the tougher issues altogether but head straight into them. I suspect today may be one that I am far from alone in.
You know as messed up as my upbringing was in so many areas, I have never been one to hold bitterness or live a life complaining about how unfair my start was in this world. I have always felt that if anything it would set me back further then I already was. So although memories don’t just die away, I made a decision to not allow my past determine my future. Honestly I had enough on my plate that I had no choice but to deal with that adding on more bad memories would just sink me.
Holidays in my family have never been ” holidays”. I cannot remember ever having a long table full of people in my family gathering to eat and celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving. I have no recollection of our family ever sitting down for a meal on a holiday. As a middle school kid, I remember getting invited to a friend’s house now and again for a holiday and just taking it all in. It was as much entertainment as anything. After all I did not walk home kicking a can frowning complaining about my family’s lack of anything. I did not know there was a right or wrong way. It was what it was.
For the sake of length and today being fathers day I am going to stay on that topic ( Fathers Day) in this post and some major struggles I have had as an adult due to the absence, violence and unsure state of mind I have always had about my own father. Let me reiterate something. If I wanted to word things a little differently I could tell some pretty hideous stories about my father and the start he gave my brother an I in life by introducing us to booze, porn and smokes in 3rd grade. I could write a book on how those things set me back, made me seem like a pervert, and have people thinking I was a rebel by 9 years old. After all nobody told me it was not cool to roll up on my bike to my buddies house to play with a pack of Marlboro reds rolled up my sleeve.
As an adult I have paid a hefty price for a few of those things though. For example when a 10-year-old and his little bro are hanging out at dads little lake shack for the weekend, we were accustomed to having playboy bunny types from a local club come by and ” disappear ” with dad into the bedroom and making some zoo animal like noises. Heck we tried to pass the time without dad’s attention by just kicking back on his couch reading his Hustler mags and smoking his smokes. Oh well we thought , we will get our turn later.
What an incredible impact those times made on my life that I would not learn until high school when it came time for dating, and the overall purpose of a woman, Even into my 20’s and deciding to get serious with a girl ( which meant I was nice enough to hide all the others I was..um, seeing as well.) That was a true gentleman to me. Now imagine in all other areas a boy relies on his daddy for . It was the same perverted perspective no matter what the scenario. You see not only did we learn from my dad’s actions, but from his lack of action,. There did not come a day were where he sat us down and had that ” boy did I make some bad mistakes” talk and helped us out of any mindsets he had shaped. Quite honestly I don’t think he ever felt he did anything wrong . If he is still living today I’m sure he would just change the subject.
To sum up my experiences with dad I would say this to give you an accurate perspective. In my 20 years as a social worker I’ve worked with sexually abused, physically abused addicts, pedophiles, domestic violence victims, violent offenders, wife abusers and many more. I can honestly say that no matter which scenario I ran into for the first time in my career-it would be rare if my first thought wasn’t a memory and not shock. If it hadn’t already happened to me personally I’d witnessed it so much that it had an impact. However that’s not the point of this post. The point is where I’m headed next, but you needed to have an understanding of what the scenario is before you understand the next part.
All this ” stuff” has left me with many choices on how to handle what happened, especially on days like today – Fathers Day. Now if it were 4th of July, my thoughts would be on the suicide of my brother on that date after being molested by the one and only Father Albert Gondek.
It’s fathers day all day and I cannot change that.
Here comes the crossroads I have been leading you all to.
What should I be thinking each year on this day? Go get wasted with my home boys and talk about how life sucks with a loser father? Maybe spend my day writing a ” therapeutic” letter to him even though the last prison he was in thinks he was taken out shortly after being discharged. It is not for him but for me to ” work through” it all. The Christian man should have long forgiven him, and released himself from anymore burden of weight and bitterness he is carrying. Then again my sister ( who he raped) chooses to be especially bitter on days about him and make it known that she hates his guts and will never forgive. Of course Pam’s choice comes with a price, as her anxiety has never gotten any better so she takes meds to help with that. My mother on the other hand chooses to not discuss if it ever came up, an if it got too heated for her she would slip into denial and change the subject. But what should Tj do. I will tell you.
Tj does not do anything . I am a grown man and if I still have not gotten around to dealing with it, I more than likely have destroyed any remaining relationships I had by refusing to let it go. Forget about it ? No, I cannot control that part but I can control how I respond to any drive by thoughts that try to bring me back to those times. I can choose remind myself of the decision I made years ago to forgive, to release all bitterness, to let God be God, and to take complete control over my day just like I do at Christmas or any other time when the memories are not to great. You may be thinking ” sure easy for you but you don’t know what happened in my case” .
You are correct, but it males no difference. We all only have two ways to play this. Play it on the world’s terms, or play it by he Word’s terms ( bible) No other options exist. Now if you are not a believer in Christ or the bible, hang on a minute, this still applies to you, You see when God puts a law in position, it is that it is. Regardless of who we are. For example take the law of gravity. You tell me , TJ I believe we came from fish-men 6.3 billion years ago. Not in your God and His rules. Then I say, cool, get on my roof and tell gravity you are not a subscriber and walk off the edge like a boss! What? Why not?
So there are certain guidelines that are there for all. The consequences of choosing either are real and they are extremely different. If you are in a place where you have had bitterness and anger all the time you think about a certain incident, it means you have opted for the worlds system. You can expect lots of anger and bitterness plus difficulty in all of your life. Its part of the benefit package. Usually in my career experience it leads to things like ulcers, migraines and all as well. Sickness in general, inside and out. The reason is simple. People wrongly assume that if they withhold forgiveness from a person who hurt them, there is some kind of a built-in meter of pain that continues to plague the other person until they are dead. The truth, the man in the mirror is the sick one.
Withholding forgiveness from someone and expecting them to suffer is the same as drinking a bottle of poison and expecting another person to get sick
I realize it is not always easy to forgive someone ( it does not have to be in person either) but it is much easier than you carrying the weight of all negative encounters in your life around with you. Who is it in your life that you refuse to forgive? Is it time to empty your burden bag?
Make today the day you celebrate no more anxiety about the incident or incidents that have kept you down or angry ? Experience freedom like no other. Or, spend the rest of your blogging life on here posting about what the latest from your weekly therapy session was.
I remember where and when I did it. I was in the back of a church in Titusville, Fl by myself and I chose the ” all at once package with God” lol- it went this;
“Lord, today, I release anyone in my life who has ever accused me, abused me or harmed me in any way. I ask you to release all bitterness in me so I can live in freedom all of my days.”