Depression 2018 – My Experience…

 

gem and men needs trials

I have not posted in a while and I want everyone to know why.  Besides having the ups and downs of major depression, I also decided to do something that I knew could be extremely hard and really was not sure if I could handle it.

Five years ago I started a journey of 7 surgeries for a bone disease I have. I have written about it a few times but basically it amounted to 3 total hip replacements and much pain. I was on heavy-duty narcotics for 2 years for the pain when I was asked a question by my treatment team. The question was about whether I would like to go on a Morphine pump for life or try Suboxone to get off the Morphine and see if it helped with the pain.

I could not fathom the idea of being loaded up on that much Morphine for life so I opted for Suboxone. I was on for 1 year. The pain was less and I felt I made the right choice. However recently when I discussed it with my doctor and told him I wanted to wean off the Suboxone – he advised me to stay on another year. I said no. Lets just wean me off and see how I handle it. He refused and I was forced to make a very tough choice. I could walk out and go off cold turkey which would no doubt mean horrible times ahead for at least a month or two, or sign on for another year and keep my body hooked on a Heroin level Narcotic, or suffer debilitating withdrawals.

I walked away. Three weeks ago. By God’s Grace I made it through the first two weeks without dying. Detox is strongly recommended to survive these type withdrawals. I just decided to tough it out ( I am not recommending it) and get myself off of the last major medicine I was on. I am in my third week and I can honestly say I did not know if I would make it this far.

I have been through hell and back and still am going through the withdrawal symptoms which are horrific.

I want anyone to know that if you are facing a similar situation, make sure you pray about your options. If you are a person of Faith and a praying person – seek God.

No matter what- you can do it. I cannot write much more but I believe this is for someone out there. Do not choose to stay dependent on any drugs. The price you will pay to get off may be tough, but if you remember you are freeing your body of all the dependence – you will make it.

God Bless!

Tj

Who Knew? Dennis Quaid Loved Jesus And Cocaine… Great Story!

https://www.providr.com/dennis-quaid-hidden-struggles/

Check Out My Annual Update & Braggin On My Cowboy- Jesse! He Is Killing It!

First of all thanks to all y’all who pray for my son Jesse’s safety in his very dangerous career of professional Bull Riding. You may recall he got stepped on by a bull a year ago and it snapped his leg in two. He has a rod now in there…

BUT- I am NOT surprised to announce to you all that with or without that 6 month setback- He is winning more than ever and I just got the word that he now ranks in the top 50 Pro Bull Riders in the USA!

Whoot! Whoot!

Please continue to pray for him! He is rocking the rodeo circuit from FLA to Cali. He also has his own Custom Saddle Making business too! Anyone in the market contact me! I posted the pic of 10 years ago with both Micah (23) and Jesse ( 20) as well as the last time I got to see my man at Christmas…

Keep them prayers coming! The kid is headed toward world ranking and I could not be prouder

Hopefully you can click on this link and catch him in action!

 Making It Look Easy- Tough As Nails

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Me and my boys – 10 years ago
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My youngest and pro-bull rider all growed up!
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Jesse winning another rodeo

Inspiration Anyone? Wow- You Think You Have Had Your Faith Tested? Maybe You Should Read This Story…

via My Story

I’ve Just Won 600k From Facebook!

Has anybody else been as fortunate as I have to have been chosen not once not twice but three times in the last year for prizes over 500,000 cash on Facebook by Facebook itself?

I just want to encourage all of you if you have Facebook accounts don’t give up just stick with it like I have and one day you’ll get a text like you see here that I put my screenshot on of what the result was now in this case she has not returned any messages after I asked for an ID but I’m sure that’s she would must just be busy right now I’m I bet there’s a check in the mail today I was wondering if anybody else has been so fortunate?

I knew my ship would come in one day and yours will to never give up …

Tough Life You Got Do Ya? This Blog Will Make Your Life Seem Like A Disney Ride…

New Blog On The Block – His Excellent Grace

 

Every once in awhile we all get to feeling like we have it just a little tougher than the rest. Then you get hit between the eyes with what longsuffering and a hard life is REALLY like…I promise as you follow the true trials one family has had with a daughter who has up to 30 violent seizures. Oh yeah- that is 30 per DAY.

Each step of the journey from infant to adulthood and current status is chronicled and will make most of us drop to our knees and ask for forgiveness for complaining how we have it…

In addition and even more important this story is absolutely essential reading for anyone who has relatives with Epilepsy or seizures and the like. You won’t hear complaining as mom tells about endless horrendous violent seizures and hundreds of attempts to find any medical help/

The amazing thing about this story to me is something you or I may find hard to believe. But this is how the family is…

Anissa, now near 50, and still in need of 100% total care all day every day which is still done by her 80 year old mother was born perfectly healthy. Yep. At six months a doctor gave her an overdose of a medication that turned a beautiful blond baby girl into a vegetable for life.

She forgave the doctor and never pursued legal recourse- And somehow maintained her strong Christian faith in the midst of such a traumatic event . 

This is something you have to see to believe…click the blue link above and see what life can really be like.

tj

 

 

Now Here Is An Idea- Extend The Same Grace To Those With The Disease Of Addiction That We Do Those With Diabetes…Hmm…

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Breaking- Some Real News About Help For Depression- No Big Pharma Allowed!

New Awesome Drug Free Depression Help

 

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If you know me you know I have been on antidepressants ad nauseum. 20+.

So I am well familiar with the let downs that come with seeing no improvement time after time.

Today I want anyone who has not gotten help from meds, but still suffers to consider looking into this awesome and proven method. I will be the first to tell you I have an appointment! Read and see the credentials, and the impressive places who are using it, such as Mayo clinic, Hopkins, etc…

I am excited to check it out and I recommend you share this with anyone you know who has given up on it…click the blue link…

Tj

If You Have Ever Felt Alone, Depressed, Without Hope – Read “Ode To The Cloud.”

Light is dim in my eyes. Each day for most of my life I struggle to find some purpose to keep trying when so many of my efforts have failed.

My heart is good and motives pure, but the cloud still follows my every step. “Snap to it” they say…pull your bootstraps up and be a man. If they only knew. If they could only know what a struggle it is to get dressed each day. Why? What have I accomplished in my time to push me onwards? Addiction? Depression? Divorce?

That cloud- I’ve pushed and shoved and shot bullets from my gun at. I’ve reached as high as I could to grab it and burn it. I just want to feel the sunlight touch my brain. I wonder what it’s like.

I watch people intently. Seeking some nugget to their state of bliss and happiness, while I am still feeling it’s no use. Die, I think to myself. That life just isn’t for you. ..

Even my own family looks at me with dismay and maybe disgust. They wonder why I ” chose ” this path “. “Smile!” They say. Whats wrong with you? Others take time to capitalize on my misery, my failures. Dragging my history up, to make their own seem so much better.Don’t they know I didn’t ask for this? I don’t know a single soul who ever desired to be depressed, addicted, ashamed or embarrassed.

It’s lonely in the dark shadow of the cloud. Many times have I been excited to try a new medicine, a new way , a new will power high – only to drop even lower then I was to begin with. Surely God is punishing me. I better take to heart these whispers, murmurs, accusations, and mocking . Maybe they are right. So I add their handmade burdens to my already overweight load.

Where are my ” cover up an offense” friends? Why does it feel like I have been written off as a failure by them? Maybe I am, and maybe those thoughts of giving up deserve a second chance. I look up and notice the cloud again. I cannot lose it or shake it off my case.Its my mental nemesis.

So I go into God’s house. Perhaps peace can be found here. Indeed it can. However that cloud came into church with me. That is not fair! How can darkness and light dwell together? Let my mind rest just an hour I think . Self medicate, take control I think. Whatever it takes just get a moment or two of sanity .

But that dark cloud is only fueled more by the things I do to escape. Would God not forgive me if I took my life? I wonder… Stupid , stupid and more stupid I remind myself. That can’t be the answer.

I listen to the advice, take in the exhortation, swallow the spit coming at me from those around me. Those who have never endured this level of pain. They so easily spew vitriol and even laugh at my struggling. I cannot find rest from the torment of this cloud. My eyes burn from looking at the fan on the ceiling all night long as others sleep. I feel the cool sensation of drops of water running down my face, and I insist they are from the fan burning my eyes. But those tears come from above – from that cloud via my eyes. Sleep is elusive, rest not known. My head aches from thinking. I realize I am miserable. It’s lunchtime. No appetite again. Heck I haven’t even showered in 4 days.

Who can I call to comfort me? Nobody. Not one. All have turned away when things went bad for me. I need a friend who will run to me in my darkness, not away from me!

I pray that God would ” fix” it. But He doesn’t listen to my order so I become bitter . Perhaps ” gaawwd” doesn’t exist.

I want to get so high right now. Burn it down tonite and act like tomorrow’ won’t show up. Maybe a few pills, a bottle, a woman? Something must work.

But they don’t satisfy and I still see my shadow as I pace from the cloud above me . I feel so alone and isolated my soul is much older than I. My life has attempted to steal any sunshine that may come my way. I hate myself . I don’t deserve to live. ..

What a stupid thing to think. ..

Im here for a reason. I was made for a purpose and designed in a way that not one other in billions are. That may explain my past when I was helpful to others. I was happy for a brief time but even my superior called me a “wounded healer”. It’s that obvious? See, I am messed up. I wonder if it stands out? I wish people would just leave me alone. No, wait, come and love me. I need love.

I liken myself and any hope of victory to the same hope water has as it comes to a halt at huge rocks, interrupting the flow. Somehow the water always gets through that rock. But it is not due to the strength of the water. It’s due to it’s persistence that a way is made to go right through giant canyons.

Perhaps I have persisted as well but given up before the breakthrough. The cloud is not going anywhere if I stand still.

So I keep putting my head down, scars, dents and bruises . I keep persisting. I don’t have to give that cloud so much attention either. My strength, be it little must go into the breakthrough.

I don’t know what tomorrow may bring . But for today anyway, I’ve got a plan.

Im done thinking my way through lunchtime.

I won’t quit and I won’t give in to darkness when light is available. I wonder if my attention to the cloud has weakened the power of the light I need so desperately.

Then that thought ” who are you to talk God? You are fooling yourself calling yourself a believer. Look at your problems!

Nope. Im not buying that lie of the cloud.

I’ll pray.

Again today God forgive me for doubting . Each day these thoughts pass through my mind and each day You draw me back to truth no matter what my cloud says.

Let’s talk again soon. My day is only half over I don’t want to overthink anything not of you. I’ll be back soon to remind myself of you and the promises you gave me ..I know in just a few short hours I will need it again.

The Downside Of Blogging About Serious Issues… The Value Of A ” Worthless” Blog.

Its been five years for me with this blogging thing. I have read my share of articles and opinions on why certain blogs have more followers than others, or one has more comments than the other etc… I have been on the same side, looking at my stats and wondering how come mine are so different from other blogs. I have felt the same feeling of questioning myself and wondering what I should be doing that I was not. The truth is, I have learned and still am learning about things that can benefit my site or draw a certain crowd. So this is a legitimate concern.

However, after five years of this, I recently discovered something that has absolutely changed the way I view my site and truthfully every site! I have made a discovery that, at least for me, is brand new and not talked about much, if it is even well understood. I am not convinced that what I am about to suggest, which potentially affects all of your blogs as well, is even common knowledge in the blogging world. I stumbled on it while pressing in over and over, looking for things I may be missing out on to promote my site.

What I am about to say has the potential to be quite controversial. but I firmly believe nobody will be able to disprove my theory. If everyone who reads this takes what I am saying and weighs it with their own circumstances, I am convinced the end results will be very much in line with each other. Now I want to be honest about the fact that some of my findings were birthed out of my total frustration with my lack of growth during certain seasons and seeming inability to move as fast as some other bloggers.

I really went over and over many times the same old information until one day it just clicked in my head that I had part of the answer to why some blogs are so very much more successful growth wise than others. Not that they are any better or worse, but just a reason that finally made sense to me. The news I am presenting here can make each one of us stop and reconsider what our passion is! What we write about. Why we write about what we do. I even remember one day I wrote a post that I had spent much time researching, and expected it to be well received in my community of bloggers. However, to my dismay, it was just an “average” post in my book. You know, 10-20 likes and maybe a comment or two. Whoopee, right?

Something happened around that same time, though, that brought it all full circle for me. That something was my stumbling upon a blog post on the feed about training dogs to do house tricks and healthy eating habits for your mutt. But then, as I neared the end of the post, I saw this enormous number that appeared on the last line of the post where comments also go. Yeah, it was this number like 469 or something. I must have read that 3 times just to be sure but it sure was 469 people gave their props for the doggy master and doggy diet expert. Now, in all fairness, I was just coming off of a post that I spent several hours researching, an hour and a half writing ( I think I may have even edited that one!) and I was feeling a tad low with my 20 likes on a very important topic for all of us humans, but even lower when I caught the 469 for the doggy dynasty.

Here is what I realized then. People in general simply do not wish to deal with the hard stuff that life has dealt. People in general like to have their ears caressed when reading a blog post. They do not want to be confronted with all the harsh realities we are facing in real world, non-doggy life. Grown ups who are well-educated and should care about certain issues like human trafficking, or pedophile priests, or crooked politicians are more than willing and even likely to skip the post about a crisis we, as a society, has to deal with and instead steer their eyes towards soothing material. Its true!

This is not just what my team writes about or what we deal with in mental health, child abuse, and addiction, but it was my own blog that awakened me to the idea of what was happening. I supported my theory by checking with other bloggers and looking at all the different numbers and it proved to be a working theory.

Here is the main point of what I found. People like me, who tend to deal with sad, even troubling issues much of the times seem to have this common thread of a lower amount of followers and not as many takers in general who even want to face these issues much less spend time thinking through them in a blog post. That seems to be a fact across the board. However, the amazing thing I discovered was that my smaller group of people were participating in, liking, and commenting on about 35% of what we published. Now I don’t know if you ever check those stats but recently I read an article by a very successful blogger who I believe said he sometimes had a 1-5% participation rate when it came to his huge audience actually liking or commenting on his topics. So to see 35% consistently and look back over the years and see it never dropped below 20%, was amazing to me. It told me something that we all need to be aware of. The numbers may not line up on the same side with all bloggers in the same categories. But the numbers are there most times just distributed in different places. In my case, I realized I had a slightly more intense crowd who did not mind getting their hands dirty in some controversy. Therefore, what I was not seeing in overall total followers, I was making up 10 fold in active engagement with my posts.

So, for all of us who blog, we need to start making sure our perspective is accurate. It simply is not likely, on any given day, that a human being with all the problems we already have, would rather spend 20 minutes ingesting some bad news about abused kids, rather than totally avoiding it and thinking about the fact that Rover can roll over. The one is simply much more stressful than the other. So none of us should discount one bit of our efforts writing based on simple numbers alone, but on the whole picture.

Many, many times I have read posts written by bloggers who are very disappointed in how slow their blog has progressed, in comparison to some others. Now it is easy for me to see that most are likely missing out on some part of the value in their work because they follow the popular way of measurement which typically is “How many followers you got?” That usually leads to depression. What if, just for one day, the question went like this, “Hey, what percent of the viewers of your posts actually care enough about them to “like” them or comment?” A much different way of thinking is born. And I am willing to bet that the question could be asked in many more ways that I have not even thought of.

But we as bloggers are followers in that sense. We want what the writer over there has. Yet truly we have no idea, unless he makes us privy to his stats, just how important those 26,000 followers were this month, because he never bothers to look past that and dig into the statistics that WordPress provides. Such as, how many of those people even took time to click “like” out of 26,000? Remember, this is not an “either or” scenario. I am discussing meaning that one type of stat is more important than another. Heck, do you think if tomorrow I found out a way to add-on 5000 followers to my crew, that I would not be running to do it? Of course I would. I want that, too.

We need to stop trying to fit our blogs into ‘cookie cutter’ molds that all line up a certain way. I will close by sharing something that happened my second year of blogging. It was a lonely time. I think I was paying family members 5 bucks to comment on a post just to get some action…lol – it was awfully depressing for me. And then I got an email from a lady out of this country. She was suicidal and an addict who had decided to take her life and truly also believed God was waiting to escort her to hell for being an addict in the first place. Rough, rough situation. Even with 20 years under my belt in social work and counseling, i could not prepare for that. Fortunately I did not have to come up with any miraculous words from my therapy book. You see after she told me in the email, from another country, she had decided to take her life, there was a “but”..”

She said “But then I read your post on faith and addiction and how you were where I was and how God never left you and you made it out, so I decided to keep on trying.” I think it was her and maybe a friend I had asked to read that post on that day. I only had a few dozen followers or a 100 whatever. Not many reading much of anything. But I will tell you that after that night, I knew that if nobody ever read one word of my writing again in history, those two years of dark and slow blog growth were well worth all of it and then some.

Never, ever question how your work, your efforts, are paying dividends. Hey, the facts are, folks, that some people get paid in the form of thousands of new followers pouring into their site each month, or maybe constant re-blogs and praise on almost everything they put on paper. It could be something they are not even aware of like in my situation with the suicidal lady. Be assured that what you are doing is not in vain. The cards have a way of landing a different way all the time and we do not always get to see how. If we are fortunate, we get a glimpse at some point. Even if you do not, never ever stop putting on paper what your heart is screaming to your brain all the time. There is a reason.

Stay with your first love. Don’t worry about the next guy. I can tell you from experience that you may never know the value of your work on this earth. But from experience let me also be the one to tell you it matters, to someone. Sometimes it matters a whole lot!

TJ

And The Tomb Was Empty! Happy Easter!

A Christian who is a former atheist, Dr. Josh McDowell was approached about being a scientist and now a Christian.

“Surely science and the Bible cannot coexist”, they would say. Dr. McDowell began sharing that it was his search to disprove the scriptures that actually led him to get on his knees and ask for forgiveness for his unbelief.

As an atheist he had gotten so weary of hearing about Jesus that he decided to once and for all put an end to the ridiculous idea that all scripture was God inspired and that not one word could be proven false.

After several months of studying the Bible and lining it up against science and history, he could no longer deny what he had been fighting all along; that it is science which is finally catching up to the biblical account of things.

In one of his many books , called More Than A Carpenter, he gives several scientific and mathematical examples of what he discovered.

One that stands out to me even 20 years after first reading it, is a stat about the odds of one man ( Jesus) fulfilling over 250 prophecies that are outlined in the old testament which Jesus actually fulfilled hundreds of years later. In order to relate it to his colleagues who also had scientific minds, he documents the following:

The odds of one man randomly fulfilling all the prophecies that Jesus did are 1×10 to the 17th power.

Or, In an illustration, he explains that those odds would be equivalent to stacking the entire state of Texas with quarters, and three feet high. If we had only one chance to select the one correct quarter out of the entire state stacked with them, it would be be the same likelihood that Jesus was NOT who He said He was, the son of the living God, one with the Father and the only way of salvation.

On this Easter I pray that anyone who has yet to come to belief in the deity of Christ read some of Dr. McDowell’s writings. Study for yourself this evidence that demands a verdict, so you too can rejoice that Resurrection Sunday ( Easter) is a sweet reminder of the security in salvation that all who confess Him as Lord have.

Happy Easter!

Tj

Are You Looking For A Little Faith Booster? Listen To This Prophetic Word!

Awesome Prophetic Podcast!- Doug Addison

I don’t often have the time to listen to many podcasts, but when I started listening to this Christian Prophetic podcast by Doug Addison, I could not stop. It speaks to me on many issues in my life and questions I have had this last year, and I am positive it will for you too. If you are going through a ” where is God ” time, or suffering from addictions and sickness, this is for you.

If you just need a boost in your faith, and encouragement this is for you. Take time to listen to it while you are working on a post or something, but don’t miss it!

TJ

 

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