Its so easy to point out the flaws in others. Im guilty of it on occasion and I have to reset myself.
Why do we do it? Whats in for us? Actually there is alot in it f88???m?
Ror us. For all the wrong reasons.
Its so easy to point out the flaws in others. Im guilty of it on occasion and I have to reset myself.
Why do we do it? Whats in for us? Actually there is alot in it f88???m?
Ror us. For all the wrong reasons.
Im sitting at the doctors office right now about an hour early. I didnt time things very well. Nevertheless, I had already come up with a topic I wanted to write about since I was so early..
I hate typing posts from my phone. It feels like Im trying to play the piano with tennis balls on my finger tips. Awkward. But, I digress.
I did something in the waiting room just a few minutes ago that I have not done in over two years. I watched television. I havent owned a television or had cable for about 5 years, totally on purpose.
Today I held a remote. I sat through 30 minutes of Dr. Phil and I was only able to stomach that because it was David Cassidy’s last interview. Otherwise I have a hard time keeping from getting sick when I watch TV, in the daytime especially. Then when the news pops in every 30 minutes or so with more and more depressing inserts into what’s going wrong in our world. It just makes me more depressed and more depressed until I just don’t want to look at it anymore.
One thing I did notice was perspective. The things that used to be big are tiny and the things that used to be tiny are huge. I noticed this and I took a picture of it as it physically can be seen in this picture .
Media and television in general has pushed the Christmas thing right of the way . It may just be an office Im at now, but this little tree and big screen television are symbolic of our society today. We have squeezed the relevance and meaning out of everything and replaced it with mostly junk.
I will try to make a tiny difference by having a big Christmas tree with no television.
Plus I will say Merry Christmas to each person I see.
“Dear DLMK.- I need your advice. Only lately have I been freed up enough to discuss this. Here goes..
I have NEVER ever felt like a poor and broke person. But every time I look in my wallet I still see nothing. Well today and after seeing what a glorious time Mz B. Jenner had, I am officially taking control of my inner being.
I am coming out as a RICH PERSON! Next time I dig in my pockets I believe I will find my wallet stuffed!
If i look and its empty then im still poor. But if it appears full of cash then its who I really am. There is a message for someone in there…
My question is will I still be accepted at places like the dollar store? Thank you. I’m a big fan!
Coming into money-Texas.
Dear Coming into money thanks for your bold question! I want to first congratulate you on getting in touch with who this universe REALLY intended you to be! You have a wonderful life ahead. Dont sweat the Dollar Store. Heck I would walk by each day flaunting a new RICH store bag! That should get to them. Good Luck!-DLMK Staff
I am absolutely disgusted with what is still going on in this political fight between Trump and Hillary. Here is what irks me to no end. I believe Trump alluded to the idea that if we had suffered another economic collapse, that he surely would have taken advantage of it by buying up more real estate. What happened to the ” Presidential” in the president? It is obvious that Mr Trump has no idea how sacred the office of the president really is. To even think of using his position for personal gain or pleasure is deplorable.
Has this man no morals? What do you think?
Dear President Clinton We have no response at the current time, and yes we remember we owe you a box of Cubans for coming on the show last month. They are on the way.
I have been a follower of yours for many years and enjoyed your posts and in-depth information about mental illness, addiction, and all the kid issues. I wanted to thank you for your sensitivity ahead of time as I ask you this question. I don’t want everyone knowing. Here goes.. I suffer from chronic halitosis and constant flatulence. Lately however I have gotten into the habit of always wanting to be right in front of the blast that comes from either end. I just cannot help it – it is like a compulsive behavior. Whenever I start manuever myself to be in the direction of my breath, a belch or if I will be breaking wind I start picking my nose obsessively. How can I get some help for these things?
Smelly Shelly in Boston.
Dear Shelly, I have consulted with the team on your case and it just so happens we are all pretty booked up for quite a long time. We don’t take nut jobs around here anyhow. I would think about inpatient hospitalization at this point. Thanks for the compliment about being sensitive. However there is a line Shelley. You have crossed it. Do you have vodka running through your shower or something? You are disturbed and need help. As I said we are currently full. Forever. God Bless ..
The DLMK !
We have all been wounded, scarred, hurt, let down, hopeless, helpless, broke, lonely, tired, weary, scared, depressed and the list can go on. That is part of life as we know it. Today I felt like I should post an encouraging but truthful nugget for anyone who is down right now for any reason. Listen- there is a time to weep, a time to mourn, a time to be sad and a time to review the past so you can learn from it. However 90% of people who go through this normal process in life get hung up on one or two areas, and it becomes an anchor, locking them into the emotional bondage of past events, or mistakes. The result of this is an endless circle of pity, shame, hopelessness, and lack of motivation. What if I told you that starting today, you are ordered to turn your head to the future. No looking back. Make a decision to be happy. Make a decision to forgive anyone who has ever accused, abused or used you. Turn the page and be free of the past, be emptied of the heavy weight you have been carrying…
How do you do this? It is a matter of discovering a few keys that not many people understand. I will share a few with you to help you stand up, brush yourself off, and move forward.
People come and go, jobs come and go, health comes and goes, feelings come and go, and money comes and goes. People come and go out of your life all the. here is the first key to moving forward NEVER PUT YOUR SECURITY IN ANY OF THOSE THINGS. You are simply waiting for a fall if you do. Its going to happen. So, if you believe in God, I would recommend putting ALL of your security in Him, and who you are in Christ. He said He will NEVER leave or forsake us, and unlike the things I mentioned above, He is the same yesterday, tomorrow and forever. That is security! All those other things are fine to have in life, but as ” gravy ” if you will. You will find that if you focus on the relationship with Him, all those other things get put in right perspective and you will not obsess over any of them.
Next, TURN THE PAGE on the past. Have you ever tried to walk forward while looking backward? I recommend you try it once. You cannot do it. Neither can you dwell on the past and move forward in your life. Never stumble on something behind you. How do you do this? You wake up one day and make the decision that you are now looking forward. The things you say, the thoughts you allow in and the actions you take MUST be helping you to move forward. Negativity has no place in moving forward. Today, is the first day of the rest of your life!
Lastly, Put yourself around those who you want to be like. Stay away form, and cut ties to anyone is a pity party lover. Bad news, and will try to keep you down so they do not have to make any effort to move forward. Misery LOVES company. Go find some people you admire, people with peace, and joy. You will become what you put yourself around. READ MY TEXT! YOU WILL BECOME WHAT YOU PUT YOURSELF AROUND! Choose carefully who you hang with, and what things you do. If you want a good snapshot of what you look like now in your life, just take a look at your circle of friends. That IS you. If you do not like what you see, then pull the trigger and make new connections.
I realize this a very brief post for such a deep topic, but I promise you if you will do those simple things right now, your life will change for the better very soon. Money back guarantee! Do not stay in bondage to the past. If you need help working through some things then seek out someone to talk to who will keep you on track. You are going to be what you say you will be. So choose words carefully and speak out loud the things you are looking forward to accomplishing. Positive speak brings positive results, negative talk brings negative results. By the way, I did mention God in this post, so if you were offended, you can cross that line out and insert ” palm tree” or ” the universe” or whatever it is you call God.
Listen, I am available by consultation to help anyone through this transition into a happy existence. You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on doctors to get this done. I am trained in social work and have helped thousands of people over a hump in their life.
Even as I write this post I think of my youthful years, and how very important it was to be approved by others in what I said, did, even how I dressed. Amazing the effort I put in, but looking back, I did not get much in return. I may be the only one who did that….hahahaha! I suspect we all at some time have done this. As a matter of fact, I think we still do it as adults.
Of course there are codes of dress and hygiene and speech that sort of go without saying, literally. I am referring to the other stuff. The fact that adults panic before going into a big meeting, or giving a big presentation. Those of us who get nervous when trying to express how we feel about something, fearful we might offend someone. Why?
More than not, believe it has to do with insecurity and the absence of confidence in ourselves. It causes people panic attacks, difficulty speaking, awkward body language, and a myriad of other problems. I think we would all agree that we each have areas that make us a bit more anxious than usual. That in and of itself is just part of who we are, however when it becomes burdensome, it needs to be addressed. I know some may be thinking they have a “disorder” and they cannot help it. In some cases, it could be a real medical issue, but in many it is an issue that can be traced back to someone or something. Rather than try to explain why we do what we do, I will give 2 examples of how this can happen.
1- The “ham bone” story;
A young woman and her mother are preparing the Easter ham and as the mother cuts the bone off of the ham, the daughter asks ” why do you cut the bone off?” A little taken back, the mother responds calmly with ” well honey, that is just how we do it”. As they continue on, the mother quietly picks up the phone and calls her mother, and asks her why they cut the bone off of the ham, as the young daughter listens eagerly. Mother hangs up the phone a minute later when the daughter asks what the response was. Mother says ” Oh darling, she says we have always done it this way” so they start on the green beans. Finally the young daughter says “Mom, lets call great granny and ask her!”…reluctantly mom agrees and calls her great-grandmother and asks the same question. She hangs up the phone, waits for the question from her daughter which is already coming, and says this; ” Your great great grandmother said she does not know what we are doing it for, she just did it because back 50 years ago they did not have a pan big enough to hold the bone!”
2- When I was an administrator at a school for teenagers who had been expelled from public school, I ran across one 17-year-old who was extremely loud, threatening and violent. When I pulled him into my office and calmly asked him why he acted like that, he quickly named off a few ” anger disorders” he had been diagnosed with. Hmm, I thought…he has been sold a bill of goods that he has no control over his anger. So I did the smart, rational thing and gave him the keys to my truck. I asked him to go wait in the truck until I got there in a minute, and we would talk more as I ran a few errands. Of course he looked at me like I was nuts, but it was a moment of truth and I had to take it. A few minutes later we went to a large department store, a library, and a fast food chain. He followed quietly behind me, careful to adjust his behavior according to the setting we were in. (hint, hint).
When we arrived back at the school, I asked him one question – ” Hey, just curious why you did not knock out the check out guy at the store, or yell at anyone in the library, or even cuss a few times when someone bumped into you at the burger joint?”
He looked up, looked around, silent for a minute, then threw this at me; “Mr P., I cannot do that in those places, I will get in trouble!” About a minute later a smile came across his face, and he said ” so this school is like one of those places, right?” I smiled and said “Exactly”.
He was an honor student who rose to the top of the promotion program faster than any other student. He was able to realize that labels are not always correct. He controlled his anger, it was just his choice where he did it!
I learned very much about labeling and the harmful effects it can have on the average kid who has been repeatedly told they have this or that problem. They begin to believe it and act it out. By the way, this is a certain group, not everyone. I am aware that medical issues do actually interfere with behavior sometimes! Hope you learned as much as I did about why we do what we do!
Just When I Wanted to Quit…
It takes extraordinary people to reap extraordinary harvests in life. Achieving success does not come easy, perhaps the most successful people I know have had the most failure of any one I know . Here is one of my favorite athletes giving his take on success and failure.
” I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career. i have lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I have been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed. I can accept failure everyone fails at something. But I cannot accept not trying. ” – Michael Jordan
We cannot operate on the idea that many people do, the idea that all the successful people got “lucky” in life, or that the world owes us something and we are tired of waiting on it. The world owes us nothing. Pressing on during dark times, not operating in what it ” looks ” like in our circumstances and what goes on around us. Not everyone is willing to do the work that it takes to be successful. Not everyone is willing to suffer the hardship it requires to reach and achieve the goals you have. Ben Franklin once said ” The harder I work, the luckier I get “. There comes a time in all of our lives when we are fed up. Done trying and burned out. This is the critical moment that will determine the future, as we all have to decide to press on in pain and darkness when no hope is in sight, or just quit and let the world have it’s way with us, being tossed back and forth by the waves of society, living an emotional roller coaster. Listening to what Oprah is saying instead of doing what we are dying to do. Paying attention to the unstable ways out in this world, or grounding yourself in your dream.
Perseverance- function: noun
Definition: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition: the action or condition or an instance of persevering
” The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people “- Randy Pausch
” Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up “- Thomas A. Edison
Perseverance is not getting knocked down 19 times, it is getting up on the 20th. We often have the idea that the people who are successful in or eyes have not suffered, have not been broke, hungry, hopeless, helpless, depressed, angry, frustrated, scared, worried, tired, drained. We think we are the only ones who suffer from these trials. No, it is not the case. If we want success we will encounter these obstacles. Never fool yourself into thinking that there is a short road to success. Persevere!
It is critical that we are viewing things from a proper perspective. One time when my children were all young, I was experiencing very intense financial hardship. I was broke, and I had gotten so focused on my finances that I did not pay much attention to my children as much as I had. One day I was driving around, and heard an interview on the radio. The guest on the phone was a man who had just recently won around 10 million dollars in some kind of clearinghouse. The radio personalities were celebrating, cheering him, they had background sound effects of whistles and bells, but the man did not seem to be as excited as they were. As they waded through an interview with him, it came out that this man had recently lost his 8 year old son to cancer. The radio people fumbled to find words, and then one announcer consoled the man, expressing his empathy about his loss. He followed that with this statement. ” I know you would give the 10 million back to have your son back, and am so sorry to hear this “….there was a short pause and the man, barely able to utter words, emotionally and tearfully said these words- ” Have him back? (crying)..I would give that 10 million dollars back just to have a chance to say goodbye “. These words changed my perspective in one minute. I turned around and went home, to hug my healthy children, and my perspective was reset. Have a proper perspective!
Start thinking as you desire to be. Say words that encourage your dream to happen. Speak things like ” I am looking forward to doing the book. I am looking forward to my promotion, I am excited about the new doors opening for me. I can do this!” The most important lesson so far I have learned in life regarding this topic, is this; If you can learn to be content in any circumstance, in any situation whether happy or sad, rich or poor, you can do anything. Stop thinking that the dream you have is going to give you contentment. Contentment is a learned trait. You learn to be content, no matter what is going on, you choose to stay positive through dark times!
There will always be haters. It seems the closer we get to success, the more haters appear. They are the ones that gave up at the brick wall you pushed through. They feel uncomfortable with you moving up and out, while they will remain status quo. It is easier for them to tear you down then to push you forward. Believe in yourself when nobody else does. View resistance as a step closer to success, nobody takes time to tear down someone who has agreed to stay in misery! They will try to pull you back down to that place because it would be lonely without you. They know they have given up, but you have not, and there may be resistance even from family or friends. When you achieve success, you will clearly remember those who believed in you all the way up. Those people, are called friends.
Those are some real ways to prepare yourself for success. You need to see yourself in the position you want to be in. Call things that are not as though they are. Picture you doing what you are striving for. Dwell on it. Never be intimidated and never be ashamed. I was about 25 years old, and was a speaker to several hundred people on the topic of training trainers for at -risk youth. I was about to get up and go to the podium, when it happened. The voices whispering in my ear ” You cannot do this” ” You have never spoken to this many at once” ” You will be nervous” . Now just to clear the record, they were not real voices! LOL! They were the whispers of doubt coming to me because I was doing something for the first time. I was slightly slowed, but trying to pull it together, when my friend seated next to me at the table pulled my arm back to him gently, as I was about to walk away to speak. He sensed the nerves. He leaned over , whispering in my ear as all of the people looked on. They could not hear what was being said, but I sure did and it gave me a new perspective on things. He said casually, and with a smile to me ” Hey man, act like you have done this before!” It may not seem like a powerful inspirational statement to you, but it was what I needed that day. I looked out at the audience, and the thought came that I was up there for a reason! I was right where I should have been, when I should have been there.
I am right where I should be today, because I did not stop at the brick wall to give up. You have a brick wall to face too. Press through it and leave the others behind. After all, thats the only way you will stand out, is by finishing strong, breaking cycles of negativity and learning contentment right now. You are right where you should be, for such a time as this! Never give up.
I was thinking recently about the world. The way people act, the things people say and the way people treat each other in general. Of course it is part of my career and background to identify how people see themselves. I am talking not just about areas I happen to be educated in or any special training. I am talking the basics. If you are a person who believes in God, you read the Bible then you may call it sowing and reaping. You may like to call it mind over matter, or aligning yourself with the universe, whatever the case it matters not for this topic.
I am talking about actually speaking and believing in what you have decided to pursue. For example, in my work and counsel to families over the years, I address behaviors and words, and the link between them. Whatever behavior is causing a problem had to start as a thought, right? So somewhere between the thought and the action was a decision that had to be made. In my case, I often teach parents that pointing out negative behavior all of the time to their children will never produce a change for the better. Then they usually look at me funny and ask what they should be doing. This little tiny nugget that I learned when I was a young college student has proved to change lives in a matter of days. In this scenario, the nugget is that positive reinforcement is the only way a parent will see improvement that is meaningful in their child.
What? Usually I hear something like this ” I never see them doing anything good!” So now we are at the key area that a parent will either accept, learn and change, or they will resist and continue down a failing path and become more stressed and see more problems some even resulting in health issues by now. So lets take the route to improvement right now, and say we are all parents and we all want to see a change in behavior in our kids. What would need to happen is this;
We would all need to adjust our thinking a bit to line up with what will produce good results. Staying with our scenario, we all would begin to ” catch our kids being good”- I know, it is totally against the flow, which psychology says is about 15 negative comments to every positive comment we give to our child. That is about average in an average home, and usually goes something like this ” Stop talking back!”- ” Clean your room!”- ” You better watch your mouth” and on it goes until we have racked up a dozen or so negative comments in a matter of hours. So we need to change our thinking to stop with the critical comments, and begin to train ourselves to listen and watch for what you DO want to see, and jump all over it with simple praise, such as ” Thanks for having your room clean, it looks great!” or ” Thanks for using a calm voice when we talked earlier, it really helped me understand what you were trying to say”. I think you get the idea, we want to take the 15:1 ratio and turn it around, by exchanging one type of comment for another to attain desired results. The reality is, the only way humans change behavioral patterns is by positive and consistent reinforcement of the desired behavior. That goes for us adults too by the way. Think of your workplace, or relationships; would it not be wonderful to get 10 or 15 positive comments to every 1, on an average? It really is not difficult, and it produces quick and lasting change for the better. However even parents I have shown this to, maybe 50% actually do it. The other half live in misery and complain, while the answer is in their reach.
So I use that example, although very abbreviated, and not a complete summary as a model for the topic of this post. We have got to understand that we ( to a certain extent) actually decide our own outcomes by how we decide to do 3 things.
1- How we think.
2- How we behave.
3-How we use words.
Think on things that are in line with your goals, speak in a way that lines up with your goals, and act as if you are already there. Sound too simple? It really is very easily explained. We have to address the root problem, which is how we think. If I am driving around town all day and I keep thinking about robbing a bank, I am going to end up at a dead-end road, as it is neither realistic, legal, or productive. I use this as a random example, but insert your worries, your heavy thoughts that want to repeat like a tape over and over…
Now we have to make the decision to think on something more in line with our goals. Whatever that looks like for you, think on it. Dwell on it. Purposely focus on the things that the ingredients you need to achieve your outcome. Wasted thinking, or “stinking thinking” accomplishes nothing good and is likely to cause you even more stress. Next, what we say is CRITICAL to accomplishing what we will see as outcomes. It matters not if you are alone or with friends, if you allow words to come out that contradict the thoughts you have trained yourself to think, you have to start all over. So say things like ” I am excited for what is happening!” or ” Good things are going on” instead of the traditional ” Life sucks and I am tired” or ” I think I will have a heart attack”. You may be surprise at how many people actually fulfill their own verbal commands.
Finally, make the necessary practical decisions that must occur for you to see your dream. In other words, stop doing things that are counter-productive to what you want, and purposefully do the things that you have identified as mandatory for success. Put yourself around people who already possess what you want. Stay away from those who are going the opposite direction. Believe in yourself, and do NOT believe everything you think. Only believe the thoughts that line up with your goal. Most other interference comes from the media, the radio, and our natural wanting to loathe in self-pity. Cut it out. Shut the television off. Refuse to give in to what others say about your situation. Most times, when people see that you are not out to impress or conform to their ways, they get fearful and try to pull you back down into misery with them, as we know misery LOVES company. Its lonely going the positive route, not many choose it. Get used to it. If you are worried about what others will think about you, then you have a self-confidence issue, and address it. Refuse to “need” anyone, but allow yourself to enjoy the company of those who are supportive of you and your goals. Refuse to think negative, as it only leads to talking negatively, which will bring you right to acting negatively. You are trying to leave there, remember? LOL!
Finally, I laid this foundation for everyone, so that I can take a real life example of someone who is living in success at a very young age, because he chose to go against the grain. Persevering, is falling down 19 times, and getting up again on the 20th. Ben Franklin once said ” the harder I work, the luckier I seem to get!”. Think on that statement for a minute, it is powerful.
We all get so caught up in all the negativity in what is going on in today’s world that we thought a monthly post highlighting some really good things would be cool. You can just use your first name unless you are alright with the publicity. It can be something you are thankful for like finding a job after a long absence, a healing of a sickness that has been plaguing you or your family.
If you have good news form the writing world, like a book published, or an article published, or any milestone no matter how big or small. We have spent a year complaining so why not continue this thanksgiving spirit throughout the year?
Here is all you do. Drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and put ” Good News” in the subject line. Then give a brief summary of what happened that you are excited about and thankful for . If you want to keep your name a secret just use initials and if you would like the publicity just use your entire name and any other details you want included!
Its free and fun! We all need a reversal of mindset sometimes, share with us what has happened to you and we will post it!
Guest Post by Jane Sandwood-
The Essential Role of Grandparents and Child’s Upbringing
Anthropologist Margaret Mead once stated that the connection between family generations is essential for strong mental health and stability of a nation. In today’s culture of multi-carer and single-parent homes, having involved grandparents will go a long way to help fill in the void for children. According to research from the Generations United Organization, studies claim that children living with their grandparents have greater benefits in mental health, socialization, financial stability, and overall health than the general population. If you ask any adult to recall a fond memory from their childhood, chances are most of them will include their grandparents. For children, this special bond with their grandparent gives them comfort and strength that sticks with them far into adulthood.
Guidance in Parenting
Grandparents are the backbone and support of the entire family. In fact, about 7.8 million children in the United States alone live in households supported by grandparents. When both parents work full-time jobs, the grandparents are usually the ones who devote their time and energy towards the care of their grandchildren.
Benefits the Entire Family
According to research from Boston College, studies found that emotionally close ties between grandparents and adult grandchildren reduce symptoms of depression in both groups. Children who have a strong bond with their grandparents reveal to have a sense of emotional closeness and social support. A strong relationship will effectively model a healthy relationship and reduce the negative effects of their surroundings.
Source of Wisdom
As the elders, grandparents are the most experienced in raising children. However, most parents are unwilling to ask for help when they need it the most. Parents must look to grandparents in helping decide on major decisions and investments for their children and the entire family.
Grandparents tend to have more patience and time on their hands, which allows them to become the child’s playmates. In many families, grandparents often watch their grandchildren when parents work or visit during the weekends. This allows parents to have someone they can rely on to talk about parenting and trust to watch their children when necessary.
There is no doubt that grandparents play a strong role in the mental health and upbringing of their grandchildren. The wealth of knowledge grandparents possess and the experiences they share cannot be found anywhere else. It is through them that children instill traditions, gain additional support and create values within the family.
Sometimes are too hard to believe, too ugly to imagine. So you just forget that thought. In this case a few nurses listen as a Vet begs for help, and cannot stop laughing. All caught on tape…sad
Normalization is a term that can be tossed around in certain circles when foster parenting is the topic. Some define it as the right of foster kids to have very similar opportunities as kids in traditional family homes. Not just material things, which most 14 year olds think they should have, such an X-Box and 2 hoodies. It means being able to attend groups, activities or school functions. just as their peers can and do. It means not lagging behind in anything in which they want to participate, due to their being in Foster Care.
The idea itself is wonderful, but how realistic is it to accomplish using State and Federal guidelines? We live in an ever-changing world with cultures that are very different from each other. It is more important that a solid foundation is laid so the child has an adequate confidence level before worrying about whether they are getting into the same activities as everyone else. If I had to pick only one phrase in this whole entire post that one would retain for sure, it would be the following . . .
Normalization is achieved as a by-product of self-esteem and confidence. One cannot force normalization on old, beaten down souls in young bodies, without these strengths!
My work in live-in foster care was about six years and during that time I had over 40 teenagers, about six at a time in our home. Following those years, I spent most of my career working with the same population but in other venues.
In order to prepare for my career in foster care at Father Flanagan’s Boystown (beside my formal training in college as a social worker), I was trained 30 straight days before even being allowed to talk or speak with a child. Their program was probably the best I have ever seen as far as results go. I believe this is due to the fact it was a family model as referred to in the industry. This model leans toward helping that group of people who are now together, function as much as possible like a family unit. Our job depended on making sure that occurred. It was important that we would never be misconstrued to be an institutional-type setting, where a kid just felt like another number.
So whether you’re a foster parent to 1 or 2 or 8, at whatever age, the first priority, in my opinion, should be building foundations. Help them acquire the tools needed (confidence and self-esteem) to become normalized. A natural outcome will include a sense of ownership, (in your home/family), so they can call your home, their home.
I live in Florida so we get hurricanes almost every year. This year we had Irma, which crushed our state, covering the entire state with its 100mph+ winds and severe flooding. After it was safe to return home, I was again reminded of the difference between the stick/ wooden homes that were mansions and once huge and stunning but which now looked like they were kicked over like a wooden match book.
However, as we came back to our smaller, non-mansion home, we had power, and just some flooding, no damage to our brick foundation . Build your foster family on the brick foundation that holds its own during the storm. Once you have the solid foundation, the other things will fall in to place.
In closing, here are 5 key tips I used on all of my foster kids, and my 4 natural kids. Whether you are a foster parent now, may become one soon or currently have only your natural children, these work across the board. They pertain to normalization because no insecure kid will be itching to participate in any activities without the tools needed on the inside.
Building the inside up first gives way for that needed experience and confidence necessary to transition into normalized activities. I hope you enjoy these tips. I assure you, after 20 years in direct care and with my own four kids, they work!
God bless you all.
TJ-Dont Label My Kid!
I have paid close attention to every accusation, attack, and attempt at bringing the Trump train down since the election started. I am here to remind everyone that almost every attempt at doing so has failed, resulting in even more idiotic accusations which so far have been proven false and ended with yet another tempter tantrum with an even wilder attack on Trump and anyone on the right in general. However in order to truly put an end to these ridiculous attempts at changing Americas mind, we must understand the method behind the madness.
I am going to give you the meaning of two words that I believe are the foundation for where we are in our battle against sharia law, and abuse of women in general that happens each day more and more. Here they are;
1– Projection- In psychology, projection is defined as; “a theory in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities ( both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others
2- Desensitization-In psychology desensitization is defined as ; ” the diminished responsiveness to a negative , aversive or positive stimulus after repeated exposure to it”
One of the behaviors we have seen consistently from the losing team here is temper tantrums. If you are a parent you know all about these.
” Fine if you wont let me play I am taking my ball and going home.”
Now there are many options on how to play a losing hand. One is to just make it a mission to talk bad about the winner and if a chance to trip them up comes your way, you will take it even though the shows already over, just because a sore loser. However if the key players are not just sore losers, but more on the anti-social side – this is now the beginning of a war in the mind’s of the losing team.
This looks more like ” Fine if you wont let me play I am taking my ball and going home” with a part two ” And I am going to take you down however I have to no matter what the voters said. You better watch your back Jack”.
Now you have constant personal attacks and efforts to downgrade the winner so you feel better about yourself. In this method, wild and absolutely crazy accusations are made on the winning party. This is not about expecting to convince everyone that what you’re saying today is true, because it’s usually too crazy. These attempts at personal lives, or a book on why the loss took place are designed to establish and continue to keep that little door open in the minds of the people and take whatever collateral damage you can get while reloading with another campaign to follow. If they cannot reverse the entire group at once they at least are launching their effort to desensitize….which as you recall means to minimize a horrible situation and make people more accepting by shouting from housetops, ( or CNN, The Washington Post, etc).
This is where America ( except the Trump train) has and is really dropping the ball. We are now allowing things to take place legally here that most would never have even discussed 10 years ago because it’s so ridiculous. While this is softening the hearts of people who just vote like robots and don’t think about right and wrong we also have that other word projection kicking in.
Remember this is when someone who is committing hideous behavior actually succeeds in numbing people by accusing the other side, the winning team of doing the very thing they themselves are guilty of. Now these are going on stronger than even today by people like Hillary and like the link you can read at the top of this page where Glamour magazine named a rabid supporter of sharia law and sings its praises as this years ” woman of the year “. Yes its true. The cutting off of limbs for woman who disrespect their men and the murder of others like the one I posted before this who wore western clothes so was hacked to death by her loving husband.
Why am I telling you this? Because this is a huge part of where we are dropping the ball. We are a desensitized nation. We have let some major players in some dangerous games who have all the leg room they want. I am trusting that the pattern will continue, that Trump will continue to be untouched by even some of the nastiest attacks.
Last week I was involved in a pity party. Now let me clear, this one was not self hosted. This one just surround me, enveloped me and I felt like a could not get out. I felt so sorry for myself that I was shutting the laptop down, not changing my clothes for a day or two, and so selfish that I decided not not return any messages that first day. I did not even look up to wave at the old lady who waves to me all the time by the beach when I walk. I felt the ocean itself should feel blessed that I even decided to make the walk that day. Yeah it was pretty bad.
But it got worse. I got to the ” comparing my life to others thing” . I would see my dream jacked up Silverado roll by as just assume he must have won the lottery. Not that he worked for it. This lasted 4–5 days and I was oh so pitiful.
One day last week I got started thinking about the veterans. The guys who had seen that were still affecting them 40 years later. Things worthy of rocking their world. I started taking note of some of the homeless vets who were suffering from PTSD but just returned to jail for trespassing instead of being offered the treatment they needed, They were dumpster diving for food, 50 years old but looking 70. Then I am bombarded by all the lawsuits actual traitors are winning for time served before they turned coat. The illegal immigrants getting more benefits for free than most of us ever get. I cannot imagine having to for the best dumpster food all the while knowing what they know.
Christian Author / Artist Joni Erickson. Joni broke here neck, leaving her totally paralyzed for 50 years now. She can only speak, and draw with a pencil in her mouth these amazing sketches. Totally paralyzed relying on an amazing husband to take her to the rest room , change here and feed her 24/7. My problems just started to look smaller and smaller.
I could go on all day with examples but the point here is We Are Not “Wherever We Go”. Most of problems although some serious, do not have to dictate where we are in our mind. That is up to us. It’s a matter of perspective and to some extent our knowledge of what is going on every day around us. Child trafficking, organized pedophile rings even in the church, entire families lost in a day from an accident. Hundreds of things that make our situations look very minor. Not all, but many.
I have seen many of negative and depressing things in my life. Depression, Addiction, Suicide, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Incarceration, Divorce, Trauma, Disease, loss of family etc.
That is just in my own family. Lots of failure as far as the family unit growing up. I carried the guilt for that failure long into adulthood. As if it was my fault.
My career in social work and mental health in the corporate world spanned over 20 years included being a foster parent for 40 troubled teens, starting a school for expelled violent youth, outpatient therapist, program manager for several programs from adults with the most severe disabilities anyone has seen, a senior center and another program for expelled youth in gangs where we scanned each kid right off the bus for weapons.
I was hired by the state to teach a program called BRIDGES which was a weekly group I led full of teens that were somehow involved in the Juvenile Justice system and on off days I taught parenting for the parents of those teens. Its only been in the last 4 years that I have called myself a blogger when I started this blog.
I have written off and on for many years for companies I worked for and things like that but nothing I called my own until 4 years ago when this blog was launched.
Almost everything I did and do in the area of kids, families, juvenile justice and mental health has been successful. ( I am just soo great) I am not bragging, there is a reason you need to know this. This is my gift, we all have gifts and if you’re doing something that absolutely has no interest to you and makes you hate working, you are not within the gifting God gave you.
Due to my family situation growing up, and having been through major depression, addiction, many surgeries for a bone disease, divorce and much more at work I was instantly effective in certain groups. Although I had not been through everything life can throw at you, I still found success at every single place or population I worked with because I did not try to step outside of my gifting.
Except once and I really do not want to talk about it.
I hope that the people who need to be reading this and if you know somebody who needs it you will share. People who are currently feeling hopeless or have struggled with it most of their lives. People who are constantly put down about how good or bad they are doing in comparison to someone else, or some people are constantly challenging your credibility to do what you do.
In my life when I was working on places that serve addicts and mental health patients I was harassed mainly by people who did not like me. They knew I recently had been in a short term rehab for addiction and they began to use it against me in ways that became hurtful . Even worse I really had nobody to reverse what they saying! On paper it did look weird that the teacher became a patient . The problem was that I began to believe what they were saying. I did not know how to rise above it. Because on paper, it was true!
This experience I had with just one man absolutely changed my life and the way I looked at myself. It will do the same for anyone who listens carefully to what I am saying. It’s a powerful lesson in self-worth. Especially if you have a checkered background full of events the world might call you a loser for being a part of. Especially if you have given up on any more success in life due to your past failures. Its a new day!
If it scares you that I may mention God in this post, don’t run, I promise its not a judge, or beat you over the head with the bible post. So get back over here before you try and sneak off to the next post.
This is not a Christian website and the reason is for times like this. Whether you are a Christian or not we all get to this point of how freedom of sadness is needed and how hope can be restored. The two groups may settle on different methods but we all end up here. We all have to hang on to something when times are tough, when we are struck with tragedy and hope evades us. That is why we have gambling, alcohol. drugs, porn and all these things that actually destroy lives but we cling to them as if no other option is available.
Here is a secret not many people are able to process; for everything God made, the enemy, satan has made a counterfeit for.
As you go through your days and encounter people in your life, try to recall what the original plan was for that situation and you will see a pattern begin to develop. Marriage, respect, god and many other things. For a period of time God has allowed the prince of darkness or satan to rule the earth. However as a believer in Christ we don’t have to take his punishment like the rest of the world does. He will come at us all the time, but we are instructed how to deal with those attacks in God’s word.
Now, whether any of us like it or not, that Word of God is there, it has never once come back void and according to it there is no other way to salvation then what it says – through the blood of Christ. (John 14:6) Even science is catching up with the bible and the scientists who used to talk about Lucy, the missing link are bowing their knees to Christ as they see the evidence in their arena of every single detail being uncovered while watching with their own eyes.
One excellent little book I recommend is by a scientist named Josh McDowell. He was actually so sick and tired of hearing Christians talk about the Bible and Jesus, he actually set out on a scientific mission with his team to prove once and for all that Jesus, the bible, and all the hokey Kumbaya stuff was a joke and he would personally and scientifically prove it. I’m not sure at what part of the mission it occurred, but at one point in it, Dr. McDowell is said to have bowed to his knee and and asked for forgiveness from the Lord and told his team that the evidence of Christ being who He said was so overwhelming that he was kidding himself. He wrote a short book, called More Than A Carpenter which is maybe a two hour read, and now is the founder of Josh McDowell international ministries. You can just google his name and his many sites and testimony will come up.
This is one area all of us must either turn from or cling to. There is no in-between , as a matter of fact in that word God himself says he hates lukewarm believers and he will spew them out of his mouth -hot or cold but no luke -warm .
I say this to encourage you before you turn it away , take another peek..think it through before you abandoned it.. After all what if it is true? Once you have died and must face the Lord, there are no spiritual mulligans.
As a matter of fact this post itself makes you aware of the Gospel and you are officially put on notice. You have been told the truth and what you decide to do from here is on you.
I lived a life of feeling that I was nothing but a failure and my mistakes in the past were just going to pave the way to a miserable part two in my life. It did not matter what was happening around work or anywhere else. I could not find the peace that comes with being ok with who you are. I also had over the years an ex-wife who made sure that the entire world knew what I was struggling with and just made it even more impossible to believe in any hope. Suffocating on my own prediction of failure. All of this happening while I was a Christian!
Then one year I could not take it and I spent a lot of time reading about these issues in self-help books., motivational speeches and the like. Still no change.
I did know enough to know that all the voices I had been hearing my whole life telling me I have no business speaking to this crowd, or I am fooling myself thinking I can be a good leader, after all look at all my problems- the voices were not coming from God. I had this misconception that God was reminding me over and over that I was UNWORTHY. Basically I made too many mistakes to dig out of this one. No way for me to rise from this pit and be successful after all my life problems. It was not until 10 years ago a bible believing Christian listened to my feelings and challenged me with this question.
” The Bible says that there is no one worthy, not one. Who do you think you are thinking you can accomplish worthiness in God’s eyes anyways? Are you saying God is a liar?”The man went on to remind me that If I was going to call myself worthy before God, it could only happen by believing in the finished work of Christ at Calvary, where He took our position as sinners and our consequence. That is the only way we can wake up feeling worthy. He also pointed out a few scriptures about how not God but the enemy of our souls is the ” whisperer” . We do not have to even acknowledge the enemy as Christians. We are instructed in the bible how to deal with him. We know that we belong to someone greater.
That lesson basically cured me of my listening to the bad voices and many times if a voice did come back I would simply speak the truth of God’s Word. I might say There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus who walk not after the flesh but after the spirit (Romans 8:1) I was not going to give any credibility to any negative voices anymore because I just found out a secret I am NOT WORTHY on my own. By I am more than a conqueror in Christ.
Let me interject something here. Non-believers need a change to. If they choose not to accept the promises of God’s Word and deny Christ is needed for heaven, then help is still needed .Many will stop as soon as we discuss the bible, and say
” Fine for you but I worship pineapple plants and the stars. Maybe its more like ” Hey man, 58 trillion years ago a fish grew legs and began to walk on land. The rest is history!
Usually non-Christians resort to adrenaline related activities , setting new financial goals for themselves and anything that may give them a sense of a new horizon or task to go after. The problem with those, is that they are only a temporary fix. I personally have a friend who does not enjoy his life all, rich as he could be. He has an oceanfront home. Two years after it was done he was not happy so he had a 20 seat movie theatre built inside. That should do it right? Not when you chose money a sa way to have security.
It’s likely that they will be back in a year looking again. Some Christians who know better will not hold on to the Word and its promises very long and relapse into hopelessness, but the good news is that there are usually plenty of other Christians around who can help get the people who slid out of the Word back into it soon.
This is the reason I began to feel ” worthy” to do anything-even with my baggage and critics. That issue was resolved now. Yes, I am unworthy. However Through Christ I can do all things. I began to read about each of the most praised followers of Christ. Quite frankly their resumes were pretty sketchy, just like mine. But they were humble and willing to let God change them and no longer bound to fear.
So what in the world does all this mean. In simple terms? Well, we all have this dilemma. We have to make a decision whether we want to believe what God says about you in His word, or to put that whole enchilada aside and go it on your own. In other words, make a decision to actually find out what this word has to say about who you would be/ are as a follower of Christ. This means what your authority and position is on earth, where you rest your security, what your potential is, the understanding of the fact that as a believer you also have eternal security, what the consequences are for those who reject God and His word –
Jesus said “whoever turns their back on me, so I will also turn my back on him” –
I was not there to see what His expressions were, but since He also said ” I am the way,, the truth and the life, no man shall see the father except through me”
That right there is one of the most frightening verses in the bible to me. It does not take Colombo to figure out that if you rejected the only one who can allow you into heaven, it cannot end well.
This may shock you, but I did not write the bible. Just like everyone else there came a point where I needed to make a call on it either way. So that is a non- negotiable with God.
How about the title of this post? How does God play into all the negative feelings , voices and people trying to beat us down. Well, its great news! You have a new boss, and He says you are awesome. No matter what your past is like He is willing to make you one of His. Remember who Jesus went to minister to while on earth. Not the Billy Grahams or the people who had it all together. He hung out with the prostitutes, the drunks and thieves. The ” religious ” people were none too happy about it either, they thought they were the only ones worthy of His presence. The great news in this message is that Jesus is looking for humility, not perfection. As a matter of fact the bible says the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. That is another way of saying rejection of Christ.
It is a great feeling as a believer to know that no matter what the past held, its washed away in the blood of Jesus. The bible says He cast our sins as far as the East is from the West. That is something to wake up for! Whats even more amazing, is that God not only forgives you, to the point where you could not care less about what others say about you- and also he will use you for His purposes.
Each time I am able to share the truth of the Gospel with someone or write about it- It is hard to believe He is actually using me, a broken down sinner for His purposes! See, in the old state of mind of fear, insecurity, and all, we barely felt worthy to do what little we were. In the mind as a believer you get to have unlimited purpose and not a care about what anyone says because God is paving the path of your life.
So as I close ,will ask 3 things.