Don’t Label My Kid! – In The News!

dr john

When Dr John DeGarmo contacted me about possibly contributing a piece for his upcoming December Blog Posting, I was without words. It’s not often you get an invitation from the guru of your trade to actually share your expertise. With more accolades and accomplishments in the Foster Care field than anyone I have known, I was caught off guard to say the least. I can honestly say that Dr. John and his wife are the only couple I know of who have had more foster kids live with them than I.

I have had 45! To be asked to give my opinion on an issue that is constantly under scrutiny by state and federal regulators was very satisfying and meant a lot to me.

I am glad to share both a proud moment of his – him and his wife being recognized by none other than Good Morning America and a very proud moment for myself, being honored as the guest poster on his incredible blog. First watch the clip below of GMA rightfully recognizing Dr. John’s work, and then please take a moment to read my first published post on his website. I am looking forward to working with Dr. Degarmo on future endeavors to keep the voice of children in need of parents alive..

TJ

Good Morning America Recognizes The DeGarmos!

http://www.drjohndegarmofostercare.com/blog/guest-blog-normalization-for-kids-in-care-by-tj-petri

Visit Dr DeGarmos Site-  http://www.drjohndegarmofostercare.com/

Shop his store for a variety of his books, training materials, and look into his many webinars. He is also available for Foster Parent Coaching, and a myriad of consultative needs as well as conference leader/ keynote speaker at your next conference or gathering, The DeGarmos are trailblazers and their message needs to be heard!

 

Tis The Season…But Could You Forgive This? Can You Forgive Stupid?

I try to be very understanding,  and if not  I am always forgiving,  because my Bible says if I desire forgiveness I must forgive. Not always easy, but when I think about the consequences of withholding it , I don’t even want to be a part of it. However,  I am not perfect, and occasionally I have found myself on the wrong end of a laugh at someone else’s expense. After all, how badly can it offend someone  if people get a chuckle out of a silly mistake. As it turns out I was about to find out.

So what to do when you are faced with a real life, honest to goodness incident that actually requires complete stupidity, and total absence of any thought at all? Is it ok to laugh?

If  something has occurred that you have never even heard mentioned in your lifetime and yet now someone you are very connected with has personally been involved in and you know all the details. Do you tell?

Sometimes when we are feeling a little low on the intelligence pole, someone does something that absolutely makes you feel like Albert Einstein on his best day. An act that defies all logic and leaves you with several options. You can exploit it, cover up an offense ( the biblical way), or just go with the flow and laugh with the crowd.

Well I was privy to such an act just recently and even as I write this, I am laughing at the picture in my head of what this looked like.  Although I promise you not much laughing was going on at the time of the incident. More like crying . However,  we  know that time heals all wounds, so after much prayer and contemplating, I feel it’s ok to share. Just so you all are aware, I have full permission to share this highlight of a most memorable event. So here goes. You decide whether or not you could let this go, or slide, even forgive?

sandwich and microwave

Not so long ago there was this guy who woke up around 2:30 am, and hungry. Not such an odd event for him as he is known to sleep little and snack much during the night. This particular time was unusual only in that he was still a little groggy as he made his way to see what the fridge had waiting for him. Just a tad more unsteady than usual, and more hungry too.  So he spots in the freezer some White Castle sliders, which are irresistible no matter what time of day when cooked right, who can argue that?

plus sign

I am trying to tell it exactly as it happened with details, so I will say that he got a tray that was ok for the microwave and placed it on the counter ready to hold the sliders as they were cooked. The tray and sliders were sitting on the kitchen counter between the stove top and the sink.  Before cooking them the man realized he had not stopped to use the restroom as is customary when he woke up at this time and the urge was too strong to wait.  Still holding his drink and his cell phone as both were in his room next to him when he got up, naturally he  set the items down since he did not care to bring them into the bathroom. So, as would make sense,  the drink and phone are gently set down on the tray by the sandwich, so they would be protected from the sink/ water next to them.

cell phine mine.jpg

Always the perfectionist and some may even say a bit OCD, he still would not allow himself to go to the restroom until he had done the traditional laying of the paper towel over the sliders, lest he run into the problem of not cooking them just right.  After leaving the items on the tray and using the restroom, he got snagged by a headline on the laptop across the room which had the national news on. So, he wanders over and checks it out, after all this guy is a writer like us and if a good post opportunity presents itself, he is on it. After a few minutes he heads over to his snack to prepare it with every intention of enjoying it while finishing the story,

equal sign

Mesmerized by the story on the internet he quickly grabs his drink off the tray ( you cannot microwave coke cans) and carefully places that tray with the covered sliders in the microwave for exactly 77 seconds , which despite what the package says is exactly the right amount of time to cook them if you want them to taste like real sliders. In the blink of an eye he is twirling around back in the office chair by the computer to continue the very important story on the news, just awaiting the aroma of the burgers to come…seconds pass, more seconds pass and many more… he smells no aroma of cooking sliders…. just an eery silence approaching.

SNAP, CRACKLE, POP!

No aroma,  the noises start, the flickering of the microwave begins, and he knows now what has happened.  What an idiot, he thinks to himself! He must have left a fork on the tray  before cooking the food. Oh, man. He rolls that chair  to the oven faster than you can say Samsung– before the buzzer goes off, hoping to salvage the burgers, yet at that very moment one of those goosebumps all over, throat gets dry, hair stands on back of the head moments occurs and a blank slate is all that’s on his mind. He opens the door to the microwave, he has lost his appetite, forgotten what was on the news and is sweating profusely. Consciously he can’t grasp it but something is wrong,- oh so very wrong. 

burnt cell

As he kneels before the microwave, in somewhat of a praying, yet almost fetal position on the floor, he comes to realize that there is no fork in the microwave. Oh, how he wishes for a fork. yet he is aware that the flames coming from the tray could not be burning from a fork. You know the whole metal doesn’t burn thing …

At this point he looks over his shoulder at his desk and spots the box to his recently purchased Samsung Galaxy 7 cellular phone. Holding back tears but also prepared to run around the house and scream like a 2-year-old, he composes himself, and puts the flames out. He glances at his phone and realizes he failed to do step three when preparing sliders;  #2 is place paper towel on sliders, and #3 is remove cell phone from tray.

Always the optimist he thinks -WARRANTY!

But that thought passes. He moves quickly into the justification phase. ” Heck I have had that old thing for months now” then onto the flat-out denial phase of ” I have been wanting a new phone anyhow, no big deal.”

The people-the only people who got to see the roasted ghost of a phone were supposed to have mercy as he was a good customer . Instead he finds himself in the middle of a drive by mocking as he parades through the Metro PCS store to see if anything could be saved. Apparently the manager, (despite a request for privacy during this time while he mourned) decided to let the other employees in on his little laugh so they could all enjoy it. In front of the other customers the manager shouted not to dispose of it in any of his trash containers, because of any possible danger with the microwave/battery issues.

group of people

If you all, or any of you were thinking it would be okay to laugh or spread this around the office then you have absolutely no heart. I mean how could you let someone, an innocent man, a good and hard-working man like me suffer for this? I mean let anyone suffer like this? It is painful enough I have to go through something like this. Pretty soon your 10-year-old daughter is telling her class about it. You never know.

This could happen to anyone. No matter who you are. So please do not relish in the fact that this actually was last Saturday morning and  in my home-  I was the guy in tears on the floor. I was dying to find a way to blow another 100 bucks I didn’t have anyhow, I swear.

Being the forgiving person I am however, I chose to forgive myself this time.

How embarrassing. But yes it is true.  I am facing it head on. My therapist says denial will just delay the healing and therefore delay my children from wanting to be seen with me in public again.

One request I have for closure purposes, is that you all stop asking me to sign your cell phones. To me this is no joke.

 Oh and don’t act all haughty taughty, as if you have never nuked a phone.  Actually in my opinion any phone advertised as ” smart ” would have come with a built in microwave alert system anyhow.

 

With A Forgiving Spirit This Christmas,

TJ

A Way To Remember Daddy..

The last few times I have been out with my little baby girls who are not grown yet, just 5 & 10 years old, I have had constant thoughts about the power of the father daughter relationship and I wonder how I am really doing to build that foundation with my own daughters and how they will feel about us when they are grown. My boys are now 20 and 23 so those days are long over. I know where I stand and what I did right and where I came up short. Even so , those are boys. That is a whole different animal. The boys are more resilient when it comes to our relationship. Not quite as sensitive about mistakes I have made and seem to be able to focus on good times and remember what was really strong about our relationship and still is.

For example even with all my mistakes and problems when my boys were little, I still am very happy with how our relationship is today. They had to witness some not so pretty times in my life. The tail end of my treatment for addiction was occurring right in front of their eyes. They had to go through a divorce as toddlers those horrible times when I am dropping them off at mom’s house and they grab my ankle tight and scream ” I don’t want you to go” with fountains of tears pouring out of their little eyes. I remember more tear filled drives home alone during those times then not. I had to decide what I was going to do about the situation to try to preserve our future. The last thing I wanted was for them to get older and have their mom start rambling on about what a failure and addict I was when they were little.

So in that case I decided that there were two things I could do to minimize the potential for that since I could not erase the truth.The first thing I decided to do was as soon as they were old enough to understand I sat them down for a family meeting, just us. I poured out all the dirt. I told them of my struggles, how I was dealing with it and even the consequences I had suffered as a result the problems. I did not sugar coat anything but took full responsibility for it all.

It did not make anything go away, but looking back I was teaching them a valuable lesson about ownership, about humility and most of all about forgiveness. There were times they heard and saw things that a 4 year and 6-year-old should not see. After owning it all I asked them for forgiveness, and told them what my plan of action was to try to prevent that from occurring  again. To my surprise the response was better than I thought. I felt and still feel a sense of respect that I  earned from them, more so now that they are older for coming clean  and owning my own behavior.

I still wish they did not have to see me like I was at my lowest going to rehab and all that jazz. I was a sight for sore eyes. However I will say that to this day neither of them has ever brought it up or tried to use it against me. Better yet their mother could not do that either. I spoiled her plan to talk bad about me the rest of their lives, by talking bad about myself first. That took the wind out of her sails for that plan anyhow. The other thing I decided to do after the asking for forgiveness, was I decided to insert something unique, like a special thing that was just between us to replace the negative. I just wanted them to love me and know how very ,much I loved them. 

I began making a point of doing something I never experienced as a child, something to reassure them of my love for them even during the trials they had been through. I decide to go against the ” man grain” and be a super affectionate dad, and made a vow that every time I saw them or left them I would hug them, kiss them, and make them look me in the eye as I told them I loved them. All through middle and high school that’s how it was. I was not obnoxious about, you should know.

wp-1497731990208.

I did not cramp their style or embarrass them in front of their friends, I acted in a way that was appropriate for their ages. Instead of a full body hug and big kiss on the cheek in high school we had “code” for our ” I love You’s ” and our giant hugs.

In high school when I was around their friends or dropping them off at an event where kids could hear and see, we had this kind of standing  half- hug- half body bump  thing that basketball players were doing all the time to take the place of me on my knees with my arms wrapped around them hugging them. lol.

The ” I love you” became ” you too” . So when we were leaving each other there was a body bump and a “me too”.  To my great pleasure as they got older and out of high school our communicating that we loved each other did not fade, it got stronger. To this day every single time I talk to the boys on the phone we say the words. No matter where they are, out-of-state for the military, or my youngest son may be in any of the 50 states at any given time due to his career as a professional rodeo bull rider, at the conclusion of our call they always say ” Ok love you”  before they hang up. Always. It may not seem like a big deal but believe me after sitting across the table years before pouring my shame and problems out to them, I was not sure if they would want to even claim me as their dad.

Oh How Things Change With Girls!

1520_15082061700971902785752.jpeg1521_1508206181265797883731.jpeg

So I have these two little girls you know . I love them so very much and they are sweet girls. They are so agreeable with almost everything I say. I mean just the other day my 10-year-old agreed via a ” Pinky Promise”  that there will be ” No dates til 28!” What a sweetheart. I know she will stick to it too. I mean we all know little girls do not lie. Especially to their daddy. I am so relieved that I do not have to start going out on dates with her and any boy until she is 28! What a peace of mind to know that..

willie shot gun shell

So with the girls it is a different scenario because they are so very different then the boys. So very sensitive and so open to hurt in their heart. Ever since those girls were born into this world I have felt like those two are my actual heart , divided in two pieces in the form of a couple little girls. Everything that happens to them happens to me. Every time they feel pain, I do too. I try to avoid any extra pain for them as much as possible.

Lets just say it is a whole lot different then when the boys were young, they would almost weekly walk in the door from school or playing outside with a new injury. Sprained ankles, chipped teeth , I recall Jesse with two nose breaks before second grade. It never ended. I can picture hearing one of them yell from their room;

” Dad, my ankle is purple and swollen like 2x normal size and my little toe is broke”

My response? ” There is some ice in the cooler, did you do your homework yet?”

And Life With Girls Now….

Not so much with my girls. The other day after school my oldest was eating a sandwich and I guess she accidentally put a little pepper or onion or something she normally does not eat on it.  Not knowing this  I walked by the table and noticed her eyes were red so I stopped to find out what was going on.

But then when I noticed a tear drop coming from my angel’s eye   I lost it…

I was like ” Emily what is it just tell me, did some boy at school say something to you?

Just give me his name honey don’t you worry that pretty little face .. I’ll teach someone what its like when you make my daughter cry!

It did occur to me a little later that my responses to my sons back in the day varied slightly from how it goes with my daughter.

So yes there are major differences in the way dads react and think of the different ways of boys and girls. Even so I still carried on the tradition of the hug and kiss and ” I love you” each time we part ways and I will tell you this, If I forget once to say It as we part ways, my 10 year old will call me out on it. She does this by repeating what I should have said until I catch on and actually say it..like this

” umm dad? I love you Emmy”  then repeat and repeat until I say ” I love you Emmy” . You know what? I am proud that she reminds me. It means it means something to her. Something I started as a parent is actually turning out good! Even in the midst of storms and trials little things like making sure you have told your children you love them is so critical. it just does not happen enough , at least in my world.

Now before you think I am some kind of monster by the way I blew my son’s sprained ankle off but wa so concerned about  my daughter’s tear-you should know a few things before you start accusing me of favoritism with my sweet angels over the boys.

1- When I realized Jesse’s ankle was truly sprained or broke, I personally got him ice.  Also, I gave him an extra day to wash my truck as that was his day to do it. So you see I have a soft heart for all.

2, You did not see just how BIG of a tear was coming from Emily’s eye. You would have panicked too. Honestly if it was not for me taking her for ice cream and finishing her homework for her that night, she told me herself she would still be bawling! I had to do something.

Well, at least they all say they love me. That is worth it all.

So as I end this I want to share a thought I had a month or so ago during of those times I was just sitting at the park watching the girls play. It has not left me and I think I am going to do this not only for my children but possibly offer it as a service to families down the road who just like the idea. It is likely something you will immediately gravitate towards, or you may just shrug your shoulders and feel like ” whatever floats your boat” ….

I  truly think this idea would and could change and help a lot of people when the time comes in our lives when we will be forced to leave our children on this earth as we age out and expire into eternity. I know that I am for sure going to do it for my kids.

Over the years in my work, I have been involved in my share of family tragedies and deaths of parents, some just were old and died and some taken suddenly. The one thing I notice that is always present during these times is families talking to the siblings about how much their mom or dad loved them and cared about  them. Sadly,  I have sensed doubt in eyes of the children sometimes who left the last time with dad on bad terms, or maybe it just seemed like daddy like the older brother better so the younger sibling lives his life believing he was 2nd best son to his father.

Worse yet on occasion a sudden death of the father in the family will occur tight in the middle of a huge argument between two sides of the family and they are not on speaking terms. I have seen more than not at funerals or get together after a death children thinking back to their childhood days trying to think of some good thing to say about how much pop loved all the kids, as evidenced by the time he _______________ ( you fill in the blank)

The problem is often there just are not a lot of good memories fresh on your mind when an older man like a dad dies. Perhaps like my grandfather who loved me dearly and took me everywhere all the time while he was well, things changed a bit when illness set in. With Alzheimer’s or any sickness the elderly suffer from near end of life, you may hear your beloved father look you in the eye and tell you he has always thought of you as a jackass your entire life! What then?

Or as the daughter is trying to have a last conversaation with daddy in the nursing home before he passes away, maybe he will look at her and tell her she is a no good whore. That she only got married because she got ” Knocked up”!

You think I exaggerate? I am likely making light of the situaiton. In almost every single nursing home around the world, there are dads who are on their way out who have all nbut lost their minds. During the sibling last month seeing him alive they are more likely to hear what a dissappointment they have been or be cursed at than be told hwo much they are loved. So considering all these points and also considering what my girls would be thinking if I was taken to heaven suddenly? Howcan I be sure they will remember hjow proud I am of them and of their accomplishemnts? I cannot. But I could!

So here is the idea I am considering with a partner. We think it would be really neat if dads, or moms could call us up when they are in their golden years or maybe in some cases when their health is going south and they can make sure that when they can no longer express their love for their children and other loved ones ( or in  my case just in case something happened to me unexpectedly) .

We believe that children especially at anby age would benefit in a huge way after losing a parent to click a cd of their mom or dad telling them of their love for them and reminding them of some of the special times they had and try to encourage the family to remember the good stuff instead of only going through the mourning process with not much positive going on in that process.  One neat feature is that we would get all the contact information of the immediate family when we made the tape and ask the persons social worker, caregiver, pastor , or others to make us aware when a condition worsens for a patient, so we can be ready to share the tape with the family at just time.

Usually, as in the movie The Ultimate Gift with James Garner, any tapes after death are about wills and momey or who gets what. This often makes things even worse during an already sad time. For people like myself who just want my kids to be able to hear my voice and see my face again if something happened to me while I was young, this could be an even more powerful tool. When a child loses a parent unexpectedly there is an emotional and physical loss that is tremendous. No more tucking in or night time hugs or taking them to school or contact period.

To be able to put the tape in every day if need be for awhile for a 10 year old would be a huge comfort. To hear the same words in the same voice from your daddy telling you how proud he is and how much he loves them. In the cases of Christians the parent would emphasize the fact that eternity is awaiting all of them and eternity together is the long term plan. The hope something like this could provide a child wouldl be very helpful in my opinion. We all have seen people who have lost a loved one go and try and find something, anything to hold that reminds them of the loved one who died. That is evidence that there is a desire to be close and to be near to that loved one. What better way than to hear directly fromt them?

Anyhow, If anyone has any interest on being involved from a business stamdpoint, I would be open to talking to a private businessman or woman who would like to partner with me on this as I have several other responsibilities including the entire team at Dont Label My Kid! and all the projects we are working on, the blogs and magazine and all that needs continous effort that goes into these things.

I dont need any  contacts for dispensing the product and getting the word out as I am connected to hundreds of nursing and retirement homes where much of this would be focused on. I would be interested strictly in a partner as a silent partner / investor.

I hope you all consider what your childrens needs would be if something were to happen to you. As parents I know you would do anything to ease their pain. I know it is not pleasent to think about but it is reality. We are not promised tomorrow .

Look at it like fire insurance, you have to get it but hope you never need it.

Send any inquiries or feedback to tim@dontlabelmykid.com and if you are interested in partnering with usin the way I mentioned, you can call me on my cell at 386-675-7549.

God Bless everyone- Have a great week!

Tj

Why We Believe What We Do? You Sure About That? I Bet Not…

I have always been fascinated with finding out why people believe the things they do. Working as a behaviorist only made that desire to know stronger because I got to learn so much about why we do and say and believe the things we do. It amazes me even still 20 years later how a sa society we just ” assume ‘ that whatever we hear or see on television or in the paper is gospel truth. How far from the truth that really is. Actually we likely are being played most of the time we read or see something in the media, which is known as ” spin”.

However here now I am talking about things we personally have adopted as truth. For example if you have followed me for any time and read my home page about mental health and the DSM with all of its ” disorders”  you know  that even though that book all the doctors use to diagnose us with disorders and medicate us is called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Of Mental Health disorders, there is not 1 single statistic in it!

cropped-dsm-cash-cow3.jpg

Every single ” disorder” in there was made up by a group of doctors who get together every 4-5 years and just make new ones up, then take a vote to see if it should be added or not the DSM. Its 100% theory. Not a scientific fact for any mental health disorder in there. Now that you know that, how might you feelings change when you take little Jimmy to the psychiatrist and the doctor says he has ” intermittent explosive disorder” and “anti-social personality disorder”- and writes him for an anti-psychotic drug? It happens by the thousands each day. How many parents do you think question the whole thing, or bring up the fact that they are all blind guesses anyhow? Not too many. They do not know. Unless someone like me ( who they like none too much) puts it out there for the public to see the average person just assumes that if a doctor said it is real, it must be.

Actually just the other day this older lady approached me and asked ” Do you think Bi-polar can go away? ” 

I looked at her shakng my head and said ” I dont know ma’am , Im not even sure when it got here”.

I am not focusing on mental health now though. Take almost anything we do , habits or whatever, they came from somewhere. I tell the story of a young bride who was cooking up Easter dinner with her mom one year. The mom took a big knife and cut the end of the ham bone clean off. So the daughter says, ” why did you do that”? Mom looks at her funny and says ” Oh I don’t know honey that is just how we have always cooked our ham and it’s always good” ! So a few minutes later the mom cannot shake that question so she picks up the phone and calls her mom. She asks her mom why they cut the ham bone off the ham before cooking it. The grandmother says ” Oh honey how do I know it must have been part of a recipe or something”. Now both the daughter and mother are even more curious, so they decided to call the great-grandmother and ask her. They get her on the line and ask her too, ” Granny why is it for 60 years we cut the ham bone off the ham each year at Easter before cooking it?”

The great granny pauses and says ” Honey I don’t know why y’all are cutting the bone. We cut the bone because our pan was too small to hold it.

jehovah witness

A few years ago I was approached by a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses outside of a grocery store. As dedicated as ever, they politely asked if they could share their message with me. I said sure and let them go through what they had been trained to say over at the kingdom hall. When they got near the grand finale they reminded me that the bible actually says in Revelations that only 144,000 people will be going to heaven. Next they offered me a spot, if I became a Jehovah’s Witness. So I looked at them and said, ” can you tell me what year the Jehovah’s Witness religion was founded? They glanced at each other than took a quick peek at their notes. The first guy said ” yes sir, around 1850″. I said ” Ok, but let me ask you, did all the millions and millions of people who were long gone before 1850 go to hell? Not a one was a JW.”

They had not got the training on that one so they quickly mounted the shiny bikes and headed for an easier target. The point is these guys were sincerely trying to do good and make a difference but had no clue as to why they were saying what they were saying.

This happens in our lives each day and we all fall for it at some point in our lives. When is it time we do our own research and homework? Maybe our way of thinking is kind of like the ham bone story. Or maybe we are 100% set in our beliefs on something that we truly only believe because grandpa told us.

Sometimes the issues are harmless like the ham bone, and it’s really not a big deal if we are a little off . On the other hand , some of what we profess may have consequences here on earth, or worse yet eternally. I highly recommend knowing why you believe what you believe When it’s all said and done, there are some things we will not be able to blame on granny or grandpa when we should have done the research as adults.  Some things we should be very sure we know that we know that we know we have the truth. What are those things in your life?

TJ

Time To Turn The Page- Move On With Our Lives. Stop Looking At The Past.

We have all been wounded, scarred, hurt, let down, hopeless, helpless, broke, lonely, tired, weary, scared, depressed and the list can go on. That is part of life as we know it. Today I felt like I should post an encouraging but truthful nugget for anyone who is down right now for any reason. Listen- there is a time to weep, a time to mourn, a time to be sad and a time to review the past so you can learn from it. However 90% of people who go through this normal process in life get hung up on one or two areas, and it becomes an anchor, locking them into the emotional bondage of past events, or mistakes. The result of this is an endless circle of pity, shame, hopelessness, and lack of motivation. What if I told you that starting today, you are ordered to turn your head to the future. No looking back. Make a decision to be happy. Make a decision to forgive anyone who has ever accused, abused or used you. Turn the page and be free of the past, be emptied of the heavy weight you have been carrying…
How do you do this? It is a matter of discovering a few keys that not many people understand. I will share a few with you to help you stand up, brush yourself off, and move forward.

.animated11

People come and go, jobs come and go, health comes and goes, feelings come and go, and money comes and goes. People come and go out of your life all the. here is the first key to moving forward NEVER PUT YOUR SECURITY IN ANY OF THOSE THINGS. You are simply waiting for a fall if you do. Its going to happen. So, if you believe in God, I would recommend putting ALL of your security in Him, and who you are in Christ. He said He will NEVER leave or forsake us, and unlike the things I mentioned above, He is the same yesterday, tomorrow and forever. That is security! All those other things are fine to have in life, but as ” gravy ” if you will. You will find that if you focus on the relationship with Him, all those other things get put in right perspective and you will not obsess over any of them.

Next, TURN THE PAGE on the past. Have you ever tried to walk forward while looking backward? I recommend you try it once. You cannot do it. Neither can you dwell on the past and move forward in your life. Never stumble on something behind you. How do you do this? You wake up one day and make the decision that you are now looking forward. The things you say, the thoughts you allow in and the actions you take MUST be helping you to move forward. Negativity has no place in moving forward. Today, is the first day of the rest of your life!

Lastly, Put yourself around those who you want to be like. Stay away form, and cut ties to anyone is a pity party lover. Bad news, and will try to keep you down so they do not have to make any effort to move forward. Misery LOVES company. Go find some people you admire, people with peace, and joy. You will become what you put yourself around. READ MY TEXT! YOU WILL BECOME WHAT YOU PUT YOURSELF AROUND! Choose carefully who you hang with, and what things you do. If you want a good snapshot of what you look like now in your life, just take a look at your circle of friends. That IS you. If you do not like what you see, then pull the trigger and make new connections.

I realize this a very brief post for such a deep topic, but I promise you if you will do those simple things right now, your life will change for the better very soon. Money back guarantee! Do not stay in bondage to the past. If you need help working through some things then seek out someone to talk to who will keep you on track. You are going to be what you say you will be. So choose words carefully and speak out loud the things you are looking forward to accomplishing. Positive speak brings positive results, negative talk brings negative results. By the way, I did mention God in this post, so if you were offended, you can cross that line out and insert ” palm tree” or ” the universe” or whatever it is you call God.
Listen, I am available by consultation to help anyone through this transition into a happy existence. You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on doctors to get this done. I am trained in social work and have helped thousands of people over a hump in their life.

TJ

We All Have Labels. Some Self-Diagnosed And Some Given To Us. The Question Is Which Are Valid? This Should Help You Decide..

Even as I write this post I think of my youthful years, and how very important it was to be approved by others in what I said, did, even how I dressed. Amazing the effort I put in, but looking back, I did not get much in return. I may be the only one who did that….hahahaha! I suspect we all at some time have done this. As a matter of fact, I think we still do it as adults.

wp-image--1447047253

Of course there are codes of dress and hygiene and speech that sort of go without saying, literally. I am referring to the other stuff. The fact that adults panic before going into a big meeting, or giving a big presentation. Those of us who get nervous when trying to express how we feel about something, fearful we might offend someone. Why?

More than not,  believe it has to do with insecurity and the absence of confidence in ourselves. It causes people panic attacks, difficulty speaking, awkward body language, and a myriad of other problems. I think we would all agree that we each have areas that make us a bit more anxious than usual. That in and of itself is just part of who we are, however when it becomes burdensome, it needs to be addressed. I know some may be thinking they have a “disorder” and they cannot help it. In some cases, it could be a real medical issue, but in many it is an issue that can be traced back to someone or something. Rather than try to explain why we do what we do, I will give 2 examples of how this can happen.

1- The “ham bone” story;

A young woman and her mother are preparing the Easter ham and as the mother cuts the bone off of the ham, the daughter asks ” why do you cut the bone off?” A little taken back, the mother responds calmly with ” well honey, that is just how we do it”. As they continue on, the mother quietly picks up the phone and calls her mother, and asks her why they cut the bone off of the ham, as the young daughter listens eagerly. Mother hangs up the phone a minute later when the daughter asks what the response was. Mother says ” Oh darling, she says we have always done it this way” so they start on the green beans. Finally the young daughter says “Mom, lets call great granny and ask her!”…reluctantly mom agrees and calls her great-grandmother and asks the same question. She hangs up the phone, waits for the question from her daughter which is already coming, and says this; ” Your great great grandmother said she does not know what we are doing it for, she just did it because back 50 years ago they did not have a pan big enough to hold the bone!”

2- When I was an administrator at a school for teenagers who had been expelled from public school, I ran across one 17-year-old who was extremely loud, threatening and violent. When I pulled him into my office and calmly asked him why he acted like that, he quickly named off a few ” anger disorders” he had been diagnosed with. Hmm, I thought…he has been sold a bill of goods that he has no control over his anger. So I did the smart, rational thing and gave him the keys to my truck. I asked him to go wait in the truck until I got there in a minute, and we would talk more as I ran a few errands. Of course he looked at me like I was nuts, but it was a moment of truth and I had to take it. A few minutes later we went to a large department store, a library, and a fast food chain. He followed quietly behind me, careful to adjust his behavior according to the setting we were in. (hint, hint).

When we arrived back at the school, I asked him one question – ” Hey, just curious why you did not knock out the check out guy at the store, or yell at anyone in the library, or even cuss a few times when someone bumped into you at the burger joint?”

He looked up, looked around, silent for a minute, then threw this at me; “Mr P., I cannot do that in those places, I will get in trouble!” About a minute later a smile came across his face, and he said ” so this school is like one of those places, right?” I smiled and said “Exactly”.

He was an honor student who rose to the top of the promotion program faster than any other student. He was able to realize that labels are not always correct. He controlled his anger, it was just his choice where he did it!

I learned very much about labeling and the harmful effects it can have on the average kid who has been repeatedly told they have this or that problem. They begin to believe it and act it out. By the way, this is a certain group, not everyone. I am aware that medical issues do actually interfere with behavior sometimes! Hope you learned as much as I did about why we do what we do!

 

Before You Give Up – Read This.

Just When I Wanted to Quit…

 

It takes extraordinary people to reap extraordinary harvests in life. Achieving success does not come easy, perhaps the most successful people I know have had the most failure of any one I know . Here is one of my favorite athletes giving his take on success and failure.

” I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career. i have lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I have been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed. I can accept failure everyone fails at something. But I cannot accept not trying. ” – Michael Jordan

wp-image--1744375126

We cannot operate on the idea that many people do, the idea that all the successful people got “lucky” in life, or that the world owes us something and we are tired of waiting on it. The world owes us nothing. Pressing on during dark times, not operating in what it  ” looks ” like in our circumstances and what goes on around us. Not everyone is willing to do the work that it takes to be successful. Not everyone is willing to suffer the hardship it requires to reach and achieve the goals you have. Ben Franklin once said ” The harder I work, the luckier I get “. There comes a time in all of our lives when we are fed up. Done trying and burned out. This is the critical moment that will determine the future, as we all have to decide to press on in pain and darkness when no hope is in sight, or just quit and let the world have it’s way with us, being tossed back and forth by the waves of society, living an emotional roller coaster. Listening to what Oprah is saying instead of doing what we are dying to do. Paying attention to the unstable ways out in this world, or grounding yourself in your dream.

Perseverance————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Perseverance- function: noun

14th century-

Definition: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition: the action or condition or an instance of persevering

(Miriam-Webster, Inc.)

” The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people “-   Randy Pausch

” Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up “- Thomas A. Edison

Perseverance is not getting knocked down 19 times, it is getting up on the 20th. We often have the idea that the people who are successful in or eyes have not suffered, have not been broke, hungry, hopeless, helpless, depressed, angry, frustrated, scared, worried, tired, drained. We think we are the only ones who suffer from these trials. No, it is not the case. If we want success we will encounter these obstacles. Never fool yourself into thinking that there is a short road to success. Persevere!

 

Perspective-

It is critical that we are viewing things from a proper perspective. One time when my children were all young, I was experiencing very intense financial hardship. I was broke, and I had gotten so focused on my finances that I did not pay much attention to my children as much as I had. One day I was driving around, and heard an interview on the radio. The guest on the phone was a man who had just recently won around 10 million dollars in some kind of clearinghouse. The radio personalities were celebrating, cheering him, they had background sound effects of whistles and bells, but the man did not seem to be as excited as they were. As they waded through an interview with him, it came out that this man had recently lost his 8 year old son to cancer. The radio people fumbled to find words, and then one announcer consoled the man, expressing his empathy about his loss. He followed that with this statement.    ” I know you would give the 10 million back to have your son back, and am so sorry to hear this “….there was a short pause and the man, barely able to utter words, emotionally and tearfully said these words- ” Have him back? (crying)..I would give that 10 million dollars back just to have a chance to say goodbye “. These words changed my perspective in one minute. I turned around and went home, to hug my healthy children, and my perspective was reset. Have a proper perspective!

 

Start thinking as you desire to be. Say words that encourage your dream to happen. Speak things like ” I am looking forward to doing the book. I am looking forward to my promotion, I am excited about the new doors opening for me. I can do this!” The most important lesson so far I have learned in life regarding this topic, is this; If you can learn to be content in any circumstance, in any situation whether happy or sad, rich or poor, you can do anything. Stop thinking that the dream you have is going to give you contentment. Contentment is a learned trait. You learn to be content, no matter what is going on, you choose to stay positive through dark times!

Resistance-

There will always be haters. It seems the closer we get to success, the more haters appear. They are the ones that gave up at the brick wall you pushed through. They feel uncomfortable with you moving up and out, while they will remain status quo. It is easier for them to tear you down then to push you forward. Believe in yourself when nobody else does. View resistance as a step closer to success, nobody takes time to tear down someone who has agreed to stay in misery! They will try to pull you back down to that place because it would be lonely without you. They know they have given up, but you have not, and there may be resistance even from family or friends. When you achieve success, you will clearly remember those who believed in you all the way up. Those people, are called friends.

Those are some real ways to prepare yourself for success. You need to see yourself in the position you want to be in. Call things that are not as though they are. Picture you doing what you are striving for. Dwell on it. Never be intimidated and never be ashamed. I was about 25 years old, and was a speaker to several hundred people on the topic of training trainers for at -risk youth. I was about to get up and go to the podium, when it happened. The voices whispering in my ear ” You cannot do this” ” You have never spoken to this many at once” ” You will be nervous” . Now just to clear the record, they were not real voices! LOL! They were the whispers of doubt coming to me because I was doing something for the first time. I was slightly slowed, but trying to pull it together, when my friend seated next to me at the table pulled my arm back to him gently, as I was about to walk away to speak. He sensed the nerves. He leaned over , whispering in my ear as all of the people looked on. They could not hear what was being said, but I sure did and it gave me a new perspective on things. He said casually, and with a smile to me ” Hey man, act like you have done this before!” It may not seem like a powerful inspirational statement to you, but it was what I needed that day. I looked out at the audience, and the thought came that I was up there for a reason! I was right where I should have been, when I should have been there.

I am right where I should be today, because I did not stop at the brick wall to give up. You have a brick wall to face too. Press through it and leave the others behind. After all, thats the only way you will stand out, is by finishing strong, breaking cycles of negativity and learning contentment right now. You are right where you should be, for such a time as this! Never give up.

DLMK

 

You Can Believe What You Say More Than What You Think. Which Way Is It Going For You?

I was thinking recently about the world. The way people act, the things people say and the way people treat each other in general. Of course it is part of my career and background to identify how people see themselves. I am talking not just about areas I happen to be educated in or any special training. I am talking the basics. If you are a person who believes in God, you read the Bible then you may call it sowing and reaping. You may like to call it mind over matter, or aligning yourself with the universe, whatever the case it matters not for this topic.

screenshot_20170926-2317021612954543.png

I am talking about actually speaking and believing in what you have decided to pursue. For example, in my work and counsel to families over the years, I address behaviors and words, and the link between them. Whatever behavior is causing a problem had to start as a thought, right? So somewhere between the thought and the action was a decision that had to be made. In my case, I often teach parents that pointing out negative behavior all of the time to their children will never produce a change for the better. Then they usually look at me funny and ask what they should be doing. This little tiny nugget that I learned when I was a young college student has proved to change lives in a matter of days. In this scenario, the nugget is that positive reinforcement is the only way a parent will see improvement that is meaningful in their child.

What? Usually I hear something like this ” I never see them doing anything good!” So now we are at the key area that a parent will either accept, learn and change, or they will resist and continue down a failing path and become more stressed and see more problems some even resulting in health issues by now. So lets take the route to improvement right now, and say we are all parents and we all want to see a change in behavior in our kids. What would need to happen is this;

We would all need to adjust our thinking a bit to line up with what will produce good results. Staying with our scenario, we all would begin to ” catch our kids being good”- I know, it is totally against the flow, which psychology says is about 15 negative comments to every positive comment we give to our child. That is about average in an average home, and usually goes something like this ” Stop talking back!”- ” Clean your room!”- ” You better watch your mouth” and on it goes until we have racked up a dozen or so negative comments in a matter of hours. So we need to change our thinking to stop with the critical comments, and begin to train ourselves to listen and watch for what you DO want to see, and jump all over it with simple praise, such as ” Thanks for having your room clean, it looks great!” or ” Thanks for using a calm voice when we talked earlier, it really helped me understand what you were trying to say”. I think you get the idea, we want to take the 15:1 ratio and turn it around, by exchanging one type of comment for another to attain desired results. The reality is, the only way humans change behavioral patterns is by positive and consistent reinforcement of the desired behavior. That goes for us adults too by the way. Think of your workplace, or relationships; would it not be wonderful to get 10 or 15 positive comments to every 1, on an average? It really is not difficult, and it produces quick and lasting change for the better. However even parents I have shown this to, maybe 50% actually do it. The other half live in misery and complain, while the answer is in their reach.

So I use that example, although very abbreviated, and not a complete summary as a model for the topic of this post. We have got to understand that we ( to a certain extent) actually decide our own outcomes by how we decide to do 3 things.

1- How we think.

2- How we behave.

3-How we use words.

Think on things that are in line with your goals, speak in a way that lines up with your goals, and act as if you are already there. Sound too simple? It really is very easily explained. We have to address the root problem, which is how we think. If I am driving around town all day and I keep thinking about robbing a bank, I am going to end up at a dead-end road, as it is neither realistic, legal, or productive. I use this as a random example, but insert your worries, your heavy thoughts that want to repeat like a tape over and over…

screenshot_20171003-153126-1366148846.png

Now we have to make the decision to think on something more in line with our goals. Whatever that looks like for you, think on it. Dwell on it. Purposely focus on the things that the ingredients you need to achieve your outcome. Wasted thinking, or “stinking thinking” accomplishes nothing good and is likely to cause you even more stress. Next, what we say is CRITICAL to accomplishing what we will see as outcomes. It matters not if you are alone or with friends, if you allow words to come out that contradict the thoughts you have trained yourself to think, you have to start all over. So say things like ” I am excited for what is happening!” or ” Good things are going on” instead of the traditional ” Life sucks and I am tired” or ” I think I will have a heart attack”. You may be surprise at how many people actually fulfill their own verbal commands.

Finally, make the necessary practical decisions that must occur for you to see your dream. In other words, stop doing things that are counter-productive to what you want, and purposefully do the things that you have identified as mandatory for success. Put yourself around people who already possess what you want. Stay away from those who are going the opposite direction. Believe in yourself, and do NOT believe everything you think. Only believe the thoughts that line up with your goal. Most other interference comes from the media, the radio, and our natural wanting to loathe in self-pity. Cut it out. Shut the television off. Refuse to give in to what others say about your situation. Most times, when people see that you are not out to impress or conform to their ways, they get fearful and try to pull you back down into misery with them, as we know misery LOVES company. Its lonely going the positive route, not many choose it. Get used to it. If you are worried about what others will think about you, then you have a self-confidence issue, and address it. Refuse to “need” anyone, but allow yourself to enjoy the company of those who are supportive of you and your goals. Refuse to think negative, as it only leads to talking negatively, which will bring you right to acting negatively. You are trying to leave there, remember? LOL!

Finally, I laid this foundation for everyone, so that I can take a real life example of someone who is living in success at a very young age, because he chose to go against the grain. Persevering,  is falling down 19 times, and getting up again on the 20th. Ben Franklin once said ” the harder I work, the luckier I seem to get!”. Think on that statement for a minute, it is powerful.

tj

Have You Something To Celebrate? A New Book? A Published Article? How About Just Good News In Your Family Or Career? Illness Healed? We Want To Share It! Let Us Know!

We all get so caught up in all the negativity in what is going on in today’s world that we thought a monthly post highlighting some really good things would be cool. You can just use your first name unless you are alright with the publicity. It can be something you are thankful for like finding a job after a long absence, a healing of a sickness that has been plaguing you or your family.

 

wp-image-1936040802

If you have good news form the writing world, like a book published, or an article published, or any milestone no matter how big or small. We have spent a year complaining so why not continue this thanksgiving spirit throughout the year?

Here is all you do. Drop me an email at tim@dontlabelmykid.com  and put ” Good News” in the subject line. Then give a brief summary of what happened that you are excited about and thankful for . If you want to keep your name a secret just use initials and if you would like the publicity just use your entire name and any other details you want included!

Its free and fun! We all need a reversal of mindset sometimes, share with us what has happened to you and we will post it!

TJ

My Selfies Of Thanksgiving..Note My Sisters Parenting Techniques…Taught To Her By Guess Who? Not To Brag..

giphy (7)giphy-downsized-large

To All Those Who Are Grasping For Hope..Barely Hanging On, Listen This Song From One Of My Favorites- Jeremy Camp…

Here Is Some Hope- Click For Videoimg_2535-1

 

TJ

 

 

Know Anyone With Bi-Polar Disorder? See How It Can Easily It Can Be Misdiagnosed For Another Disorder That Can Be Treated Naturally.. Share With Any Loved Ones with Bi-Polar..

Bi-Polar Is What You Have Miss. Oh OOPS! My Bad.

 

A shared post from Anne @ Aussie Christian Freedom.

 

wp-1497668452101.

 

5 Keys To Success In Parenting-

https://wp.me/p3NNQG-1Gr

An Example Of Why We Are Giving Away Americas Control All Due To The Loss Of An Election..

The Definition Of Desensitization

 

I have paid close attention to every accusation, attack, and attempt at bringing the Trump train down since the election started. I am here to remind everyone that almost every attempt at doing so has failed, resulting in even more idiotic accusations which so far have been proven false and ended with yet another tempter tantrum with an even wilder attack on Trump and anyone on the right in general. However in order to truly put an end to these ridiculous attempts at changing Americas mind, we must understand the method behind the madness.

In this case I am sharing Glamour magazines new pick for ” woman of the year”.

https://www.glamour.com/story/women-of-the-year-2017-solange-knowles

To date it has probably one of the top 5 of the most bold and crazy effort at a subject called “Desensitization”.  Please pay close attention to this word as it relates directly to this matter.

I am going to give you the meaning of two words that I believe are the foundation for where we are in our battle against sharia law, and abuse of women in general that happens each day more and more. Here they are;

1 Projection- In psychology, projection is defined as; “a theory in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities ( both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others

2- Desensitization-In psychology desensitization is defined as ; ” the diminished responsiveness to a negative , aversive or positive stimulus after repeated exposure to it”

wp-1508462606629-964022461.jpg

One of the behaviors we have seen consistently from the losing team here is temper tantrums. If you are a parent you know all about these.

Fine if you wont let me play I am taking my ball and going home.”

Now there are many options on how to play a losing hand. One is to just make it a mission to talk bad about the winner and if a chance to trip them up comes your way, you will take it even though the shows already over, just because a sore loser. However if the key players are not just sore losers, but more on the anti-social side – this is now the beginning of a war in the mind’s of the losing team.

This looks more like ” Fine if you wont let me play I am taking my ball and going home” with a part two ” And I am going to take you down however I have to no matter  what the voters said. You better watch your back Jack”.

Now you have constant personal attacks and efforts to downgrade the winner so you feel better about yourself. In this method, wild and absolutely crazy accusations are made on the winning party. This is not about expecting to convince everyone that what you’re saying today is true, because it’s usually too crazy. These attempts at personal lives, or a book on why the loss took place are designed to establish and continue to keep that little door open in the minds of the people and take whatever collateral damage you can get while reloading with another campaign to follow. If they cannot reverse the entire group at once they at least are launching their effort to desensitize….which as you recall means to minimize a horrible situation and make people more accepting by shouting from housetops, ( or CNN, The Washington Post, etc).

This is where America ( except the Trump train) has and is really dropping the ball. We are now allowing things to take place legally here that most would never have even discussed 10 years ago because it’s so ridiculous. While this is softening the hearts of people who just vote like robots and don’t think about right and wrong we also have that other word projection kicking in.

Remember this is when someone who is committing hideous behavior actually succeeds in numbing people by accusing the other side, the winning team of doing the very thing they themselves are guilty of. Now these are going on stronger than even today by people like Hillary and like the link you can read at the top of this page where Glamour magazine named a rabid supporter of sharia law and sings its praises as this years ” woman of the year “. Yes its true. The cutting off of limbs for woman who disrespect their men and the murder of others like the one I posted before this who wore western clothes so was hacked to death by her loving husband.

Why am I telling you this? Because this is a huge part of where we are dropping the ball. We are a desensitized nation. We have let some major players in some dangerous games who have all the leg room they want.   I am trusting that the pattern will continue, that Trump will continue to be untouched by even some of the nastiest attacks.

screenshot_20170830-0456391464644636.png

Every now and again Trump will take an opportunity to rub the salt in the wound, but hey if that’s the worst he does, he is excelling…

tj

 

A Guest Post From Founder Darlene McRoberts of www.heresyourhopesite.wordpress.com Challenges Us On Where We Are Really At….

Hows Your Spiritual Tenacity? Your About To Find Out

 

https://wordpress.com/post/dontlabelmykid.wordpress.com/24456