I’ve been out awhile. I could not tell you how long. Don’t care either. I’m surprised I ever returned to Blogging. My life has been peppered with trauma. In my immediate family we’ve walked through addiction,. Depression, suicide, domestic violence, you name it. I don’t know if you ever ” get used ” to the trauma..However you do learn to cope,
The issues at hand this last week or two were especially troubling to me. Much like the sudden suicide of my brother, and death of both my only grandparents, there was and still is a certain finality about the whole thing.
If you’ve ever lost a loved one unexpectedly, you know that the feelings that troubled you were very different then the typical feeling ” blue” or down. There is a certain finality, a certain heaviness of heart that is present. Those heavy burdens do not rest at night so you can. You cannot shelve them so you can do your job well, or be there for your family. In that sense they are a paralyzing set of feelings.
The emptiness that comes with betrayal, unforgiveness or other human behavior can be as severe as the trauma of having your brother shoot himself in the head after being molested by his catholic priest. I know this for a fact because I have lived through both. This time was different though. I don’t recall ever feeling the way I did ( and still do honestly) before with any family problems, marriage issues or even divorce.
I knew right when this thing started to take its toll that it would need to be published . I didn’t want to publish it, not then, not now not ever. That is how feelings work. They try to get us to believe that we are in charge of what will happen in our future.
So, there were a couple of issues (still present) that appeared to start at the same time. I feel like the one that would most easily be related to by my fellow bloggers would be the issue in my life that has to do with unforgiveness.
I am learning the price of unforgiveness. The cost of refusing to allow God or anybody to help you be able to forgive someone who hurt another. I’m not refusing to forgive anyone.
The thing is the forgiveness was refused to me by a loved one. Things that happened over the years, situations I have had to work through with depression, addiction etc. have now resurfaced over a decade later and from my own family. Most of my family was supportive of me when I tried to get help in several rehabs, spent years trying different meds for major depression, even though I knew most meds for depression do more harm than good. I didn’t know what else to do. I didnt ask to be an addict anyways. But boy am I paying the price for it regardless.
If you are an addict or former addict you likely have run into it somewhere by somebody, Here is the thing to consider; there are only a handful of people who are close enough to you to have the goods on you in such a way that even if your life has totally changed, they can reach into their memory tool belt and start reminding you in great detail just how much damage you did by each individual season in your life.
If you are like me and have been through depression, addiction and 7 hip surgeries which sapped me of everything I had financially , emotionally, physically and spiritually then you have people out there somewhere that at any given moment could bring memories up and hurt you.
In many ways that is what is going on in my life but with a slight twist. The root reason any person would bring up the past would be unforgiveness, However beyond the unforgivness, some might even take offense when you are having even a tiny bit of success in your life. Why should you get to enjoy a moment in your life until you have suffered as long or longer as the people you hurt along the way.
Now we are in an entire different category than just unforgiveness. We are seeing much more than unforgiveness but the bitterness which comes from unforgiveness. That bitterness wants to hurt and tear down as much as possible. In my case it took me many years after I was doing better to even forgive myself and anyone who knows me will tell you that is how I have been all my life. Much harder on me than anyone could ever be. So when a person you love who has known you a very long time or even a sibling decides to reopen those wounds for you believe it takes a special person to enjoy distributing that kind of pain.
The incident this time was especially final. For lack of a better term I just mean it was much different from a quick reference to the past to make a point . The shock for me was that I could tell by the way the play by-play came so naturally with exact times and dates of every error I ever made . In
Perhaps all these years I was fooling myself about having been forgiven. Whatever the case I was totally caught off guard and more significant than that I felt wounded to the point of becoming physically sick. I have not slept or felt normal in two weeks. So in the past weeks I have thought it all through and a question kept popping in my head. ” How come I have never allowed anyone in my life to have that much power over me with their words, but that day I melted like candle wax.”
The answer came in a few minutes and was simple. Not many people in our lives have that kind of power, meaning not just details of wrong, but the ability to make it personal to them and accuse you of robbing them of quality of life. There are always a few people ( usually family members, spouses etc) who have a much greater stash of weapons in their tool belt of memories.
Many people may ” know” about your problem maybe it was even on the news. Who cares, look at Bill Clinton. He has absorbed truthful and embarrassing accusations with proof that he was guilty yet he never even thought of stopping public spotlight. None of the people who ” knew” had the right authority or tools. However, can you imagine if he had not had Hillary trained as well he did? She had and still has the power to drop him in a New York second if he steps out of line again. Fortunately for him, she is as greedy as he is, and has ridden his coat tails all the way to where she got.
My point is that we are always vulnerable to someone. On the other side of the coin if I had to name one lesson I learned during this, is I found out that as a Christian, my security is not 100% in Christ as it should be. My concern should be for His reaction to my life, not any human. It’s just very hard when you have a small circle of family that has the ability to make things hurt more with their words than the average person.
We have all made mistakes. Do not let someone control your emotions by reminding you of your past.