I have had insomnia for most of my life after age 7. Its bothering me and the thought of it keeps me up at night. I am especially upset about it because it interferes with my functioning. After being up for several days in a row, I start getting sluggish and cannot focus. That is the only time I get a little sleep, is after days of exhausting my body an mind I can usually lay down and sleep for 3-4 hours straight.
Now, I have been through the hospital sleep study tests and had they basically told me that the ” sleep flap” in my brain does not open like it should. NO explanation as to why though. I was on such heavy sleep medicine at one point that my doctor was called out by his superiors when they were going through routine patients scripts at the practice. He had me on (30mg-Ambien-4mg Xanax-2 Somas and another) for awhile which- he said would knock a small horse out. Did nothing for me. I quickly realized meds were not the answer.
Being a clinical social worker for so long and having a college degree in it studying things like Theories of Personality, and other lessons about why we think what we do, I thought I should be able to figure it out with ease. After all I had helped many others with similar issues get by it, so why not me? After years of speculation and effort to figure it out, I gave up and just decided to deal with it.
Recently I have been considering the very real possibility that my inability to close my eyes very long is a long term result of living in so much fear at a young age.When I was 6-7 my life at night consisted of tossing and turning and hoping I wold not hear the fighting and arguing that I had gotten so used to. I was used to it but as I got older I began to internalize it and even take the blame for it.
The confusing part to me, is that the memories I had of dark times and evil were totally healed. When I was a young adult I prayed much for healing of memories for my childhood which was full of abuse, addiction, violence and fear. God answered my prayer and I have never even had a dark thought about my past since.
However it seems I am unable to shake whatever looms in my sub conscience. I have this inability to keep my eyes closed very long no matter how exhausted my body may be from days awake. So I deal with it as best as I can.
I also find that I get irritable in the evening hours. I love the break of dawn over the ocean and thinking about what the day may bring, have a little devotional time and work hard all day. But when 9-10pm rolls around I find mysel looking for a distraction or a new project to keep my mind off of the fact it is night time .
I know a lot of people suffer from memories of the past. I want to encourage anyone who needs healing of past hurts and memories that we have an option . Gods healing shop is still open. You may have some residual memories or behaviors to work through or even live with, but the heavy baggage of distinct memories with smells and noises to go with it van go away without years of couch therapy.
So whatever your past, and your hurts that you carry around , you need to know that your heart can heal by the hand of God.