My Pain- And How I Use Writing To Self Medicate. As A Matter Of Fact I Am Trashed Right Now…

**Note-this post was voted in the top 5 best reads of all posts on WordPress for this day June 16th 2017 – ( by the DLMK team)


 

I am using right now . Just so my junkie friends know I am keeping this legit.

Lately I have found myself writing a little more than usual. I just have felt much more at ease when I am entrenched and entranced in a post I am working on. It may sound odd but even when I am just breaking to do regular daily things that we all do like using the restroom, some chores, maybe a meal now and again , I feel that kind of urge to hurry and finish so I can get back to my blog.

It’s not healthy. I am a counselor, an adviser and consultant on mental health, behavioral health and addictions and have been for 20 years and pretty darn good at it I might add. I do not have issues with balance, and stress, or addictive patterns anymore. Or do I? I realized today ( which happens to be my birthday ) – Oh, thank you!  Anyway I realized that I have to deal with this. So I stared at the laptop for a few hours today but refrained from posting. I abstained to prove that I have it, and it does not have me.

Who am I fooling. The only difference between me today and me 23 years ago, is I am using writing and reading others writing as my fix, my medicine to mask the pain or stress I have. Back in the gap, I would have just popped 4-5 mg of Zannys ( xanax) maybe an oxy 80mg and slammed a few shots to ease my pain.

 It’s truly the same idea. Maybe I have achieved a certain level of maturity in that I wont reach for the pills and booze now, but my keyboard is taking the place of it.

 

I am writing about this for two reasons. First because as a recovered addict, I’d feel like a hypocrite if I did not share when I struggle and make others feel like they are weird because they have these type issues come up. Second, because the therapist needs therapy right now. I need help to break this open and get to the bottom of it. There is great revelation and healing that can come from expressing feelings, whether through the written word, the spoken word, or any other way one can get things out in the open.

I once worked for a psychiatrist who after just a short while entrusted me with completing all of her initial assessments. It’s a big deal because that means each new patient who came into her office did not meet with her, but me. I conducted what is called a psycho-social assessment which was a 10 page interview process that is designed to give the clinician doing the assessment enough information to make an official diagnoses from the same DSM-V that the doctors use.  I would make my decision and then pass it to the doctor to review . After a short time she just signed whatever I gave her. It was a high compliment.

One day we got to talking about our lives and personal family histories and all. After sharing a few things that had happened, were happening and may happen she was speechless. She could not understand how I even made it as far as I did , much less be so good. She named me ” the wounded healer”. To this day I see myself as a wounded healer.

So back to my problem now, I am aware that I am self-medicating. I have written enough posts already to carry me on for a year or more. I have no reason to keep on this marathon blog session. However the minute I try to lay my head down at night I realize I do not care for this uncomfortable silence in my brain. So within a half hour I am usually back up from my attempt to rest. I reach for this , and so the story goes. I hate it. I hate it that for 3 days I have closed my eyes for about 45 minutes per day if that.

Now the hard part to figure out which stress factor in my life has me right now. There are plenty to go around. Then the therapist in me wants to get all clinical and fancy like I am back at the shop with a new patient. Then I think thoughts like this ” Well I am sure since it is my birthday, my subconscious memory is playing old tapes about things I left undone, or as we EXPERTS call it  – ” unfinished business” in my life .

Then reality hits and in frustration I blurt out to my screen ” What a load of crap that is”.

Now I am still nowhere. Or am I ? Maybe by verbalizing this and sharing my true feelings. I  might get some relief. Or maybe it wont get me relief and poor me has to suffer a week or two of this. Either way I need a remedy to this. So in my case in my situation today I have chosen to do something different. Anything that might throw me off of this pattern I am in.

I made a decision.

My decision is to review my perspective a bit. I needed to reflect on some good things and quit buying into all the lies the enemy of my soul wants me to by into. For example what would I have thought 4 years ago when I had 16 followers and could not find the motivation to even post because I knew only a few would see it and out of those few maybe one or two might like it. Boy now those were hard times, I tell you what, compared to that I am in heaven right now. I can literally write a post about anything I want and know that a whole bunch of people from dozens of countries will see it in minutes. What the heck am I complaining about? Too much opportunity? Wow, poor me.

So you see what once would have been a dream to me — to have an audience and an abundance of things to share about somehow has been renamed in my brain to be a big problem. The amazing twists that our minds can out on us.

Now as I finish up this post, I am left with a different perspective. Now I am thinking – wow, what a roll I have been on, but I have got to mix in a way to get some sleep. It’s not healthy to not sleep, but it is healthy and just fine to roll out post after post with good content. I plan to keep it up until it naturally slows down, but never believe the lie that doing what I love to do is somehow stressful. Lack of sleep is my issue. Not blogging.

When I started this post I had no idea how it would end. Now I see that I am just fine and have much less to be stressed about then I thought. The sleep deprivation is likely causing the twisted thinking. My blogging is fine. Right on track with my goals and the reason I started this thing to share my experiences with as many as is possible.

I encourage everyone to share things when in binds like mine.  It matters not how you share but let another human in. It does two things.;  Resets perspective & identifies any changes you can make today. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy the ride!

21 comments

  1. Just as I said your faith is growing and the lock is clearer as one day the key will be provided to open your life … As with one we are alone but with God we are never lonely … You called and l came … You asked and I was here … You waited and you will receive … Giving up the treasures of earthly pain will let you enter the kingdom … We are few but are kindred spirits and thus we are many …Amen 🙏

      1. It’s the truth and it sets you free .. It just got mentioned on Twitter we need to share both love and pain as they both one and the same … Then we grow in his sight in the image in which he made us …

  2. Your honesty and candor are really refreshing! Counselors are human too 😊 I’m glad the keyboard is taking the place of more addictive substances; the keyboard might be addictive in itself, but there are so many much-worse ways you could be directing your energy, so good on you 👏🏼💞. I appreciate your sharing your thoughts with the world; it’s enlightening to read your perspective 👊🏼💙

    1. Why thank you very much. I really appreciate all the likes on stuff I write but when someone takes the time to let me know what they did or did not get from it, it means so much more . I know for my twenty years in social work how badly a lot of people need to hear these things but it’s frustrating that I can’t get closer to them to help them with their personal individual needs . That’s why I started this thing …so again thank you and dont be a stranger!! Tj

      1. Oh wow, 20 years in social work? Bless you and thank you for all you do/have done!! I hear the heartbreak in your words; social workers almost always have such big hearts, high hopes, and awesome intentions, and they’re often held back, restricted from doing everything they want to do, helping people the way they need to be helped. The way I see it, intent counts, though, and so does effort. In my book, you get (a lot of) points for that! 😁👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💖

        I’m so glad you started this blog; it’s amazing! What a constructive and beautiful use for the extra energy and wonderful thoughts you have. You’re assuredly making more of a difference than might could be seen on the surface 😊👏🏼👏🏼

        I love its premise, too – Don’t Label… – so true 😊.

        I won’t be a stranger 😘. I’m not going away 💓💓

      2. How much do you charge for these compliments? Lol
        I really cannot complain about not being able to utilize my gifts because in the time I did work in the field I was able to really help many many people I lived with 45 foster kids I started programs for hundreds of other kids Working Families with their homes and got to really make a big difference it’s now that I’m trying to help virtually and reach out through this site it’s more difficult. My goal for the site is to have a portal built so that I can reach out in several languages to anybody who needs any kind of coaching or counseling or Consulting that I can help right through here and help them find the resources they need but that takes money to invest in that. My email by the way is Tjpetri16@gmail.com..just in case.. you in the US?

      3. Awesome. I need a local spy any way in Texas to keep tabs on him..lol no actually both my boys are dream sons. Jesse the bull rider is 19 and already the Southern States bull riding champion for 2016 and Micah is 22 an a sniper in the Army reserves , full time college student and worker. I am fortunate.I have 2 little chicas too only 6 & 10. Love them too. I want to know a little about what you do as I am looking to start collaborating with a select few of my posse on here. Mutually beneficial of course, thats why I wondered what you do an your goals here. If its just not workable because you are so busy I get that. But if you are not opposed I hangouts or email and my favorite IMO. my first 2 are same tjpetri16@gmail.com and my IMO number 386-675-7549…

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