I am amazed when I walk through Wal-Mart and see a mother dragging a crying 4-5 year old by the arm yelling
“ SHUT UP! DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU ARE GOING TO GET YOUR LITTLE ASS WHIPPED WHEN WE GET HOME”
Wrong on so many levels. But to keep this short , I will point out just a few reasons why this approach never works.
1- You cannot command a child to do something that you are currently reminding them you yourself are incapable of- like being quiet.
2-Its highly unlikely that ANY child (that can hear) is going to think ” hmm, I think I will pull it together now that I know I have an ass whippin coming when we leave, I’m pumped!”
3-If you want your child to incorporate any skill into their daily routine, YOU must first model it, consistently. The ” do as I say not as I do” rule is obsolete.
There are at least 100 valuable social skills that must be taught to any of us in life. About 25 are needed to function successfully as an adult. For a child ages 5-18 it varies by age, but 3-4 for the young child and 15 for the teen are necessary to get through school and relationships without much turmoil.
There is no “ skill genie ” or ” skill angel ” that comes in the night and teaches your child the skills. So they must learn them from someone else….yep thats right. but, if you choose not to teach them – don’t sweat it, they can always pick up little Johnny’s skill set at school, you know the one who always gets suspended and calls his 3rd grade teacher a slut.
If you want your home to run smoothly, there must be consistency and clear explanation of what is expected. I will take the top two most important social skills ( in my opinion ) that I have taught for 20 years, and break them down here so you can see how you should explain them to your child.
1- Following instructions
a- Look at the person
b- Say ok
c Check back when finished
2- Accepting No ( for an answer)
a- Look at the person
b- Say ok
As I mentioned, these are the top two out of the 100 I train on. You should have at least 15 skills you use to interact with your teen and 4-7 for young who cannot retain much more.
Remember, the trick is developing a motivation system in your home that is not some temporary fly by night bribe system just so you can get a quiet night and take a long bath. Every reward and consequence your child gets should be a decision your child has made because you have taken the time and effort to creat a system that needs no arguing or debating about. Its built into your family dynamic.
Lastly for this little sample, if you think your children don’t want boundaries set for them ( specific guidelines) you are wrong. Kids are desperate for boundries. As a matter of fact we adults are desperate for boundries. What would you feel like if you jumped on the freeway tomorrow to go to work, and there was a giant neon sign that said
” NEW RULES ” AS OF TODAY -THERE ARE NO SPEED LIMITS, NO RULES ON SAFE DRIVING OR ANY OTHER GUIDELINES AND NO MORE EMERGENCY RESPONSE TEAMS”
How safe would you feel knowing that anyone could pull a NASCAR on you and draft you at 125 MPH- or trade some paint with you sending you and your vehicle rolling down the hill on the side of the road.
So of we grown ups need some guidlines, ow much more do our children need them.
( I am an award winning behavior specialist who has built hundreds of behavior programs to implement in homes of small familes who just want one system to implement so they can quit constant arguing all the time. I also have been hired to put behavorial sysytems in place in large companies to make their own staff get along better)
I was even hired to train all the doctors and staff of a hospital psyhiatric unit how to get along , proving that no matter who you are or how old you are there has to be consistency.
As a foster parent, I created and implented daily systems for very abused and defiant teens and was successful in all. About 50 teens.
If you are tired of unpredictable behavior and response in your family, I would love to help build a system to fit your needs. Once in place you simply maintain it and I will always be available to help with any break downs in the system. Or you can keep living like you are…
(Yeah, I Agree )- so my email is —-firstname.lastname@example.org me today to set up a personalized- DLMK! Care Plan for your family.