Marriage- Tell Her You Love Her- Then Love Her!

As a parent and a person living in this crazy busy world with crazy schedules it is so easy to get too busy to tell the people you love that you in fact do love them. Even more important is to show them that you love them. I have been a parent for many years and a foster parent for years and lived with over 40 teenagers and worked with hundreds and hundreds of kids in a family model setting such as Father Flanagan’s Boys and Girls Town. I have learned the value of telling your kids they are special and making sure they know they are loved. I have learned how to hug and hold and make them feel like they are special. I really think dad’s want their kid’s to feel loved and although they may have a hard time expressing their love in effective ways I think deep down inside the desire is there.

The thing that has seemed to be more difficult today is for men to learn the love language that they need to know in order to make their wives feel loved. To make the woman who works so very hard to keep that family together in so many ways feel special and loved. I myself have really missed the mark on this many times and thought it would be good for me to encourage all men in particular to commit with me to do this for our women. I am urging all men to make it as much a priority for our wives to be loved as it is for the television and jobs to be loved. I am calling on all men to man up with me and make that woman in your life the number one priority in your life as far as human relationships go. 

The woman is the one who holds things together for the family. She does those things that the man does not or cannot and does it without complaining. The woman in our lives has a direct affect on our relationship to our children. She nurtures and heals, calms and kisses and takes care of so many things we men take for granted. It is critical that they get their cup refilled once in awhile in order to carry on. They get weary and tired. They lose hope and enjoyment when their man is not loving them by protecting them and lifting them up, by not caring for their needs and listening when they need us to listen. We men often are quick to dismiss the cries of the woman who is lonely and hurting-the wife who is screaming for her husband to be the man that she was dreaming of when you asked her to marry you. 

I am not talking about just telling her you love her, but showing her you love her. Put her first before other things. Make her know she is the queen of your heart and nobody and nothing could ever change that. Put her needs in front of yours and do the right thing by sacrificing as much time or effort is needed to make her know without a doubt that she is loved. Men, lets be an example for our children and show them what a real man does and how a real man acts towards his wife. They treat their wives with dignity and respect and safeguard them from the hurtful things in this world. They are slow to anger and quick to forgive. They lead by tender example and don’t abuse their leadership role in the house. They will lay down their lives in a second for their woman and make her feel as if she is the only woman in the entire world, period.

If you have ever been less than a solid man for your wife this is a time to step up and commit to making the rest of your life the best of your life. It will make your wife feel special and your kids feel safe. It will put a smile on a beautiful face that hasn’t been able to crack one in months or years. It may just give her the hope she needs to carry on the wonderful job she does with your children. Without mom it is hard to have fulfilled children. They need mom, and so do we.

I am not one to start something if I wont do it too. So today, I want to ask my beautiful wife Jamie to forgive me for being anything less then your knight in shining armor. Forgive me for putting my needs before yours while you have held our crew together during some very rough times. I want you to know Jamie that you mean the whole world to me and I am saying it in front of the world to see so you know I mean it. Please let me make you feel like the queen you are, the mother you are and the wife you have been. I don’t have enough space on this blog to list the times you were there for me, and the times you emptied your cup for me. I have a full cup ready to fill yours baby and I hope you are ready for some real love because I am making you the first priority in my life now and wanted you to know that you are my everything. I wish I could sing -I would sing the song called Hard To Love- by Lee Brice to you honey. For now just play it and listen to the words.

I hereby proclaim my love for you and our family on this day 07/30/2014.

Love

Me

To all the men out there, maybe you want to make this day the day you start showing your wife your love, not just saying it. I am, so why not? Lets all do it. 

To the ladies out there, maybe you can show your man this post and inspire them. I would love to hear any stories of success from this day of commitment that I am proclaiming over my family. 

God Bless you all-

tj

Addiction Series- Hate The Addiction-Love The Addict

When it comes to addiction, we as a society get a solid F for handling the problem. The way addicts are treated is much like the way the homeless are dealt with, just  give them some directives to get it together, offer little help, and wait for them to resurface only to repeat the same directives. I guess we just are dull when it comes to actually being proactive in helping these people. First off, agencies and professionals could recognize addicts as humans with a disease, not simply people who make bad choices. They could also put in place some tools that will actually help the addict escape  the nightmare they want so badly out of.

So far we jail the addict for having drugs, we watch them do a whole lot of nothing in jail and we arrest them again when they get out and start the cycle over. That is hardly cutting edge treatment, I think we treat the actual criminal better than that with many rehab programs and re-entry programs they can enroll in to prepare for their life outside of jail. However with the addict, we continue to be non-committal and do very little to advance them into another phase of their life. It seems we still have not decided how to treat them, like criminals or like people with a disease. Either way the addict is many times stuck out in the cold to defend themselves when their own family, friends and society has labeled them as hopeless or useless.

I think in order for there to be any real change in the system we are going to have to push for an appropriate label to be given to the addict. The label should be born out of a medical mindset since we know that a disease is a disease, as much as we like to try and make it into a matter of the will. Just for a second we should think about the millions of people who pour into AA and NA meetings each day, only to enjoy a 5% success rate. Yes 5%. How about the many rich and famous people who can buy anything they want but continue to be arrested over and over due to some substance they cannot shake. Do we really think that these people prefer being humiliated in the spotlight, losing their children, money and maybe careers simply to have the pleasure of the substance? I think we all understand there must be more to it than that, so now we must live it out in the system and how we help the addict. Lets begin to love the addict and hate the addiction. 

Sid Vicious, Anna Nicole Smith, Whitney Houston, Judy Garland, John Belushi, Michael Jackson, Lenny Bruce, Kurt Cobain, Chris Farley. Is it possible that one or more of these people may be alive today had they been aware that they actually had a medical disease and were treated accordingly? Not to mention the millions of suicides that have occurred as a result of drugs. People who died of cancer surely are remembered in a much more sympathetic light than those who died of an overdose. Should this be?

tj

Parenting Series-Never Talk Bad About Your Ex To Your Child; You End Up Looking Bad Not Them.

When I was little my father used to see my brother and I every once in a while on the weekends, whenever he didn’t have a date I guess. My mom, although hesitant to let us go with him for very long due to his lifestyle, did her best to make it so we could still have a relationship with him. She made the smart decision to let us hear all of his garbage and trusted that as we grew older we would sift through it all and be able to identify what was true and what was not. When I say garbage I mean his stories about why he didn’t pay child support. For some reason he felt the need to explain to two little boys why he could not or would not pay support to our mom. 

At the time, I had no idea that he was just using his kids to ease his own mind and make himself feel justified about what he was not doing for us. He would say things like ” You boys know the reason I cant give your mom any money is because you would never see any of it. Your mom would be buying fur coats and expensive jewelry.” We heard things like this all throughout our childhood when he was not in jail. It was always something my mom did that prevented him from paying her support, according to him. Looking back I guess I see it would have been hard for him to pay support anyhow, since he did not want to work! 

If there ever was a person who took full advantage of his children’s age and vulnerability it was my dad. He really slept well after seemingly convincing us that he was the victim in all this and my mom ( who worked 3 jobs to keep a roof over our head) was somehow taking advantage of him. It really is quite pathetic now that I think on it again. He actually had us believing it for a short period between ages 10-12 or so. I remember barging into my mom’s room after a visit with my dad and accusing her of spending all of my dad’s money. She just looked at us and didnt really respond, although she had every right to get us back into reality and tell us what a liar my father was. She opted for the high road, and in the end my brother and I caught on to what really as going on and we addressed the lies with my father later in life. Of course, not having changed a bit, he just proceeded to move away from my brother and I to avoid these type of inquiries.

Talking bad about my mom may have got us off track for a few short years but in the big picture, we saw right through the attempt to discredit our mother and totally lost respect for him. My brother and I were not a rare case, either. This type of immature behavior goes on in homes today all over the world. Parents get mad at there spouses, ex-spouses and actually start telling their little children about how bad their other parent is. How sad it is that they are putting the child in such an uncomfortable position, and an unfair position. Whats more, is the parent who runs their mouth is usually doing it out of resentment for the spouse and the child has no place in it. The selfish idea that I can get back at my spouse by using my child as a pawn and an instrument to hurt them is  horrendous, but it happens everyday. Its happened to me and may have happened to you. 

The message for today is simple but critical. Please parents, keep the immature and childish vitriol away from the innocent children. If for no other reason than the fact that you will always come out the loser in the end, always. Your children may buy into your games now, for a short while, but believe me they will lose all respect for you when they figure out what you did and how you used them and their vulnerability to try and hurt their other parent. It isn’t worth it. After all what good does it do anyone to start spreading dirty laundry?  Has anything good ever come out of it, ever? Keep the negative talk about your ex, or your current spouse to yourself, and leave your children out of it, better yet leave everyone else out of it, Its between you and them and the only motive for spreading it all out is a selfish one because nothing good ever comes from gossip. Until we have it all together in our own lives , how about we leave our nose out of others’ business all together. Agreed?

The skill for the skill bank today to teach Is Problem Solving –

Since we talked about making good decisions with our children today, lets teach them how to arrive at good solutions as they make decisions. Here is a great formula to use and easy to teach and remember. Its called the S.O.D.A.S method. 

Situation- Identify problem

Options- list a few options

Disadvantages- list a few disadvantages for each of your options

Advantages- list a few advantages for each of your options

Solution- Review the above and come up with your best solution.

So, when your child has trouble figuring out whether to skip homework and play video games, they can always do a quick SODAS on a piece of paper to determine if the consequences would be worth the behavior. I use SODAS many times on the run in my head for daily choices I need to make, its very helpful! 

Happy parenting and as always, your money back if not satisfied- so give it a shot!

tj

Addiction Series- Please Keep It Zipped Unless You Have Walked A Mile-

I must unload today on the so called ” experts ” who are always waiting on the sidelines to give tips to addicts on how they should act. You know the ones, they are easy to spot. They have the greatest advice to give even though the greatest minds in science have not been able to nail down any solid solutions. They have no problem walking by suffering addicts who are praying and begging for freedom from addiction and spewing a few words about how the addicts need to get it together.

Better yet they will throw in a few statements about how the addict should get it together ” if for no other reason, for your children”. How pathetic it is to hear the ignorant cast judgement on the addicted when we all know that the secret they are hiding may be something far more shameful  then an addiction to substances. As a matter of fact most of the time, the judges are guilty of some hideous act that doesn’t stand out like addiction to substances,

Perhaps the judge who is checking out porn under his desk in court. The cop who is chatting up the 15 year old girl or the teacher with thousands of images of babies on their computer in a sickening way. Do you folks really want to start pointing fingers? I can tell you from personal experience that my kids would much rather have a dad who struggled with addiction to substances, for whatever reason whether it be depression, chemical imbalance or whatever, than have to deal with a parent who is a molester, an abuser, or someone who is willfully hurting others without regard for their feelings. The addict feels more remorse than any of the other people and with less reason to. Most of the time they have fought and fought to beat the addiction but needed help to do it in the end. At least they have the guts to bring it forward and deal with it, unlike the abusers who hide until caught. Lets keep it real and support the addicts who are trying to break free of the chains that many times have kept them depressed when they would much rather have it another way. I am tj and I am a recovering addict. Please save your vitriol for a deserving group and do what you can to support the struggling addicts to live clean lives and be the husbands and fathers that they so want to be. If you must finger point, check yourself first, as there is usually plenty to work on right there in the mirror. 

tj ( recovering addict)

Parenting Series- The Teaching Interaction- You Teach All Day- Make It Good

Whether we like it or not we are teaching our kids every time we interact with them. We teach them something whether it be good or bad, helpful or hurtful we are teachers. This post is going to give you a simple way of making sure your teaching interactions are doing some good for you and your child, that the interaction is going to bear good fruit. The average interaction with our kids begins with a neutral or a negative statement and  ends in the same way. Now we will introduce a few steps that we can follow each time we interact with our children that will insure that we make at least a few positive statements no matter what the crux of the matter is. Here are some steps;

1-Praise/Empathy

2-Description of appropriate behavior ( that you are addressing)

3-Description of inappropriate behavior

4-consequence (positive or negative)

5-Practice 

6-Feedback 

7-Praise

Don’t be discouraged !This 7 step interaction goes very quickly but is just divided up into steps to make sure we include all the steps. Now we will practice an interaction in which a child has not demonstrated the desired behavior, and the behavior is accepting no for an answer. The child got a no answer and said ” that sucks” instead of the desired ” Ok” response. Follow along.

“Larry, I need to talk to you for a minute”-

Larry: What Now?

You; Well, I wanted to tell you that i am so proud of you for getting a C or better in all but 2 of your classes. You really worked hard on those.You did a good job following instructions on those assignments. The 2 other classes though you didn’t follow instructions to turn in enough extra credit to get a C in those classes. You did earn a consequence of no outside privileges after school until you bring those grades up though. Lets just practice following instructions ok? I will give you an instruction and you should look at me , say ok, do the task, and check back. ( do role play)

You: Ok you did a really good job of following instructions! So I know you can get those grades up you are so smart and I cant wait to see your progress report!

 

That is a 7 step teaching interaction and it goes by very quickly once you know the steps to incorporate. Use this format when you need to either issue a positive consequence or a negative one. 

Skill for today Appropriately Disagree-

1- Wait 15 minutes after you get a decision you do not agree with

2- Ask the person (parent/teacher) if you can appropriately disagree

3- Explain your feelings without raising your voice or eye rolling

4-Accept the outcome by saying ok

tj

Seamstress To The Stars- Advocate To The Kids-Psycho Seamstress-

 She can tell you what Joan Rivers is like to talk to and even what it feels like to get a bouquet of flowers form Paul McCartney – If you want to know what it is like to fix a wardrobe malfunction for Manson or Pink, she can fill you in. Gina aka Psycho Seamstress is living her dream as an A List seamstress to the stars! Its something she has always wanted to do, combine her love for sewing which her beloved grandma taught her, with her huge love of music and all that goes with the production of a show. 

Psycho Seamstress may be living her dream now, but it didn’t come without a price.Years of depression, hurdles that were always in front of her tempting her to give in or give up, but she managed to take those hurdles that life threw her and turn them into steps, and climbed her way to where she is now.  Gina has not forgotten those days, and as a mother and a huge advocate for children with disabilities she is always in the lookout for ways to promote events for children. 

Visit  www.psychoseamstress.wordpress.com  and after you do a little star gazing, check out upcoming event like the Rock N Roll for kids on August 3rd. Read her story, and see how mental health issues, and other struggles don’t have to keep us down, as a matter of fact they can be powerful tools to help others once we overcome. You can contact Gina, even if you aren’t a rock and roll star looking for a studded jacket! She welcomes your comments and invites you to follow her blog, her adventures in the music world and her passion for children and all that they mean to her. I have know Gina for a few decades and although I dont always like what she tells me, I have to admit she has some pretty good insight into life and how we should live it. She is blessed to be a blessing. Don’t miss out -follow her site!

Remember www.psychoseamstress.wordpress.com or google psycho seamstress!

tj

Parenting Series- On Arguing With Your Child; Dont!

Have you ever seen a parent and their child in a store really going at it? I mean yelling back and forth at each other so much that you really don’t know who is even winning? I can save you some time and even predict the outcome for future encounters you may have. Here is my prediction; the child is winning. How do I know? Simple, because if the parent is engaging them then the child has won already. If we cannot tell who is “winning” or who is in control then there is a pretty good chance that somewhere along the line the parent has lost control of the conversation.

So why is this important? It is critical in the parent child relationship because of the roles you and your child are supposed to be filling . You as the parent, play the parent. The child is supposed to play the child! If that gets out of order, trouble is on the horizon. We talked about being a child’s buddy last time, now its about being the parent and how that plays out in everyday living. It should effect your conversation, your voice tone, your voice volume, and much more. So lets address the issue of arguing with your child. It shouldn’t happen. When we argue with our children about anything, we have already taken a step down the ladder of being a parent and closer to being a peer. 

There are many reasons why we should never engage in arguing with our kids, and by arguing I mean yelling and screaming and out of control emotions. We all have heated discussions but there is a difference between a controlled intense discussion and a full on out of control, door slamming, name calling, battle. We as parents need to remind ourselves that it is our job NOT to be out of control. Especially when our kids are out of control! It is our job to keep our voice tone and volume the same throughout the conversation. It is on us to avoid sarcasm and name calling when we are engaged in a discussion with our kids. They are the ones who are supposed to be learning here! We are supposed to be modeling how to solve disagreements in the most civilized manner.

In order for us to avoid arguing we need to understand that the way we speak and the things we say to our children have everything to do with the way a conversation will go. For example making your child own their behavior is critical. If I see my child playing video games instead of cleaning their room, as they were told, I have a few options. I can say ” Jimmy, I need you to clean your room, please honey, we have to go soon” – or ” Jimmy, you got an instruction to clean your room so if you don’t want to lose your privileges you should clean it up.”  This may seem trivial but its critical. The reason is because you are setting the tone for who is responsible for the task, who will suffer the consequences if not done, and who will be at fault. In the first example the parent is setting the child up for a response like this ” Come on Mom, just chill out I will do it later I am playing a game.” That right there is the beginning of an argument. Now you and Jimmy are getting ready to battle it out and see who comes out ahead. That is no way to parent. The second example is much healthier because it places ownership back on the child. It reminds the child that THEY have a responsibility, THEY have privileges at steak, and THEY are in charge of their own destiny in this situation. They cannot easily shift it to you since you have indicated to them that they are in control of if they keep their privileges or not, not you.

In the event that Jimmy chooses not to follow instructions, and he keeps his game on, the conversation that follows should go something like this ” Jimmy, I am sorry YOU chose to keep playing your game, You know YOU lost your privileges for a day now, so why don’t you work on your room and maybe YOU can earn some time back on the video game earlier than a full day” Here you are clearly simply issuing a consequence, you are not emotionally involved, you are being a parent and issuing a consequence but letting the consequence do the work, no matter how mad you may be that the room didn’t get clean. Remember you cannot have 2 consequences for one behavior, you let the one consequence do the work, but you avoid getting “mad” or acting “angry” towards your child, otherwise you are making it personal and issuing 2 consequences. Make sense?

Here are some reminders of how to talk to our children for a healthy respect of the parent role-

1- Always state what THEY NEED to do, not what you want them to do. 

2- Never raise your voice, show your anger, make threats, or use sarcasm. Picture yourself as a monitor of your child’s behavior. Your job is simply to issue consequences good or bad depending on their behavior and the agreed upon expectations that you and your child have set up before.

3- if a child bucks a consequence, and seems to get ” out of control” remember they are the out of control ones, not you! You simply deal with each behavior as they come. If they buck, you can now use your latest skill from the last post to identify what they are doing. Accepting consequences! ” Jimmy, I know you are upset about losing your privileges, but right now you are not accepting consequences, you just said screw you when I reminded you about your lost privileges. So, now YOU have earned an extra day of lost privileges. Lets see if you can get it together and maybe you can earn some time back by getting on task. ( This method of offering some time back for good behavior often gives them some hope in a dark situation so many parents use it)

4- Always use a statement of empathy before a consequence if possible. ” Jimmy, I know you really like that new video game, but you did have an instruction…..”

5- Keep repeating the skill you are dealing with. So far we have only gone over a few social skills but soon you will have many skills to point to when dealing with your child’s behavior. Labeling a specific skill beats the heck out of saying ” You were bad” – after all what is BAD??? Bad compared to Justin Bieber? Bad compared to a choir boys? Bad is very ambiguous.  Use a specific skill . If you missed my previous posts on parenting just go back and jot down the skill taught for each post. You will be caught up. 

Now for a new social skill for today-

Accepting compliments ( yes many kids have no idea how to accept simple compliments)

1- Look at the person

2- Say thank you  

3- Shake hand or hug where appropriate

The rationale for learning to accept compliments ( reason to give your child) is that if you never learn how to accept compliments, you are less likely to get them in the future.

Well, that is today’s parenting post, so go out and don’t have an argument with your child! As always, this comes with a money back guarantee so have no fear!

tj

 

2 Guys Who Never Had A Chance At Escaping Social Skills- My Boys!

Allow me to share with you 2 of the reasons I believe so strongly in social skill training, my own sons. I am super proud of my professional bullrider (left) and my American Soldier on the right. Ages 16 and 19 and they make me proud each day. Poor guys never had a chance with me chasing them around teaching them new skills all the time. Come to think of it, it seems to have paid off though. 

#Prouddad,#skillsrock

tj

Parenting Series- You Are Not Your Child’s Buddy…

The neglectful parent, the dominant parent and the permissive parent. We all pretty much fall into one of these categories to some extent. Hopefully we only have some traits though and arent completely ruled by one of these. Hopefully we all have a good base when it comes to parenting but maybe we slip into one of the above styles on occasion. At any rate today in the parenting series we will tackle a very common problem which probably leans toward the permissive parent, which is the ” I’m your buddy” parenting style.

This style is very tempting for several reasons; first off, it is the path of least resistance. It requires the least effort on our part (at first) and provides the most reward as well from our child.
This parent is likely to say something like this to their child who is running late – ” Its ok honey, I will finish your work for you, you can go to your friends now” or ” Oh, Johnny you still havent finished your homework? Ok, I will just tell the teacher you werent feeling good”.
At first glance it may not seem like the end of the world, but I can assure you from personal experience ( I have this friend ) that it comes at a price later on. The things we think we are doing to show our child love and affection now, actually can damage their coping skills later in life. For example, if I train my son (and we all are training our kids in some way whether we know it or not) to think that when the going gets tough someone will come to his rescue, I have really just set him up for failure.

In the real world, nobody will be yelling from the next room that they will finish my chores, or that I can skip my homework. That only happens in the ” I’m your buddy” parenting world. In the real world our kids will be sadly disappointed to find out that they will lose that job for not doing the work. The real truth is that they will fail that test or class for not finishing homework. So what we thought we were doing to bond with our child was really setting them up for failure, which we would never intentionally would do, but we are.

So how do we maintain a good relationship with our children and still teach them proper coping skills for the real world that is facing them? We keep things real. We tell it like it is and expect what the world will expect from them. This will teach them what is going to be required and also set them up for success. However it will become apparent that taking the high road as a parent and setting realistic expectations for them may not be as cozy of a route as the ” I’m your buddy route”. If you are looking for the feel good parenting plan you may not get it by doing the right thing. You may get more ” I cant stand you” responses from your child then the coveted ” Your the best mom” responses when you let them slide on their homework. There is a price to pay.

So, we need to make a decision on a day to day basis whether we want the immediate gratification of having our children love everything we do and the way we do it, or the longer term gratification of knowing we set them up to succeed in general. I think all of us would answer the same way when it is put in front of us like it is here, but it is surprising how quickly we can slip inot the other mode when it is just plain easier. Today the goal is to make a real effort to expect what is going to be expected from our kids. Expect from them what the world will expect as they age, and dont let our need to be loved by them at the moment stop that from happening. Before we get to today’s skill of the day I want to make 2 quick points about this subject. First, our kids will have very little respect for us in general if we budge everytime they buck. Second, kids always have more respect for those who hold them accountable. That is why the strictest teacher is still talked about 20 years after school is over. There is a respect there.

Now we will go to the skill for today to teach your child. The skill for today which you should introduce to them and start using often is called Accepting Consequences. The steps to accepting consequences are similar to Accepting No.
Look at the person
Say Ok
Repeat the consequence

For example you say to your child that they have just lost privileges for using the computer for one day, because they spent 2 hours more then they were given to use it today, they should respond by saying ok, and that they understand they lost their privileges for tomorrow due to using them too much today.

This may seem redundent, but it is a sure way to make sure the child owns the behavior, and understands the consequence. There should never be any eye rolling, voice raising or body language by the child when they are accepting a consequence either, this is the same as not accepting it.

So keep using the existing skills and add this one to the bank. Once again, I urge you to use them often, and get your child very comfortable with them. Skills well defined are a great way to make children feel secure and not confused about what is expected.

One last note is please share this information with family abnd friends who have children between 3 and 17 as it is very helpful for any parent. I used these skils for 5 years as a foster parent and for 18 as a parent and I can tell you it made a world of difference in my children and my life. Not to mention, as always I offer a money back guarentee..lol!
Happy Parenting!

tj

Parenting Series- You Want Success For Your Child ? Start Role Playing!

It is great to teach your child social skills and as I have pointed out they will be leaps and bounds ahead of many of their peers just by knowing how to do things like ” Accept No” or ” Follow Instructions”.  To take it to the next level and see to it that they are able to use the skills and generalize them into everyday living, the role play is of great value. For instance if you are getting ready to drop Suzy at school, and she has been having difficulty following instructions of her teachers without talking back, you may try this quick trick to set her up for success that day. 

Before she gets out of the car, you just do a quick role play with her. Hey Suzy lets do a quick role play on following instructions- I am going to ask you to hand me my purse back there, and I want you to look at me , say ok, hand it to me, then check back, ok honey? Then you proceed to role play and off to class she goes. When her teacher does give her an instruction that day, she is much more likely to have those 4 steps ready to go because you spent 1 minute role playing,. 

So far we have introduced the social skill, then talked about ratios of positive to negative comments, and now we bring up the role play, to reinforce that skill you have taught your child in the first place. Its coming together nicely, and soon this can be a regular part of your day with your child. You will be glad you took the extra few minutes to teach the skill and role play, when you realize how many hours you have saved of arguing! As always, I offer a money back guarantee on these too!

Now that you should know the skill following instructions, and the steps required, start adding role plays to the mix to increase your child’s success chances. As I post these tips on parenting, I will start adding one skill each post to teach your child, so his or her skill bank will increase as the days go by!

Skill for today- ACCEPTING NO

Steps to Accepting No- 1- Look at the person

                                      2- Say Ok     ( No eye rolling, mumbling, talking back, etc..)

 

So stay tuned for new skills and new tips and soon you will see a new child with a great set of skills!

tj

Parenting Series- Giving Realistic Consequences To Kids…

This topic is one of the most difficult to grasp for some parents because many times our emotions get in the way as parents. Our emotional response to a child acting out can really lead to some crazy decisions when we choose what consequence our child will earn! Consequences should for the most part be natural and logical. The response cost for the wrong behavior should in some way reflect the actual behavior itself. For example, if my son turns his radio so loud while I am on a business call that I had to hang up the call, I may be livid and my first thought may be to yell down the hallway-

” Johnny you just messed up an important phone call for me so now you are grounded -no friends for a week!” 

Can you name 2-3 things right off the bat that are wrong with this consequence? Take a guess.There are several things that could be better in this interaction, but the very first is the lack of thinking it out before just blurting it out down the hall.  When we give a consequence we should remain calm, let the consequence do the work, not our voice inflection. So rule number 1, remain calm even when you are very upset. If you need time, then simply tell your child that you will be talking with them in 10 minutes . Collect yourself, and then resume the interaction. Next we should always start any interaction with something positive if possible, Also, the actual response cost should be related to the behavior. Finally identify a skill as I mentioned in the previous post. So in this case we could rephrase the comment to go something like this;

” Johnny, I realize you are excited about your trip this weekend, but you cranking your music up so loudly when I was on the phone was really disturbing,and caused me to lose my call. You did not show any respect for others and now you have lost your radio for the rest of the day. ”

When giving a consequence then,

1- Use a calm voice

2- Make the response cost relative to the behavior

3-Start the interaction with a positive note if possible

4-Label  a skill so the child knows what they did wrong.

More to come on future posts. Please make a comment if you would like a more specific answer or a certain topic!

tj 

 

Is Tony Dungy Wrong Because He Said He Would Not Draft This Gay Player?

Recently NFL analyst Tony Dungy noted that he would not draft an openly gay player to the NFL due to all of the problems that may come with it. The distractions that it may cause a team. The media, and all the hype may take away from the game itself. Good call, I say. However the liberals are crying bigot . I say to the liberals, get a life.

I am not a sports writer, so I wont give a dissertation on this issue, but I will say that any person, has the right to make decisions that they feel are best for their people. Tony Dungy stated that he would not want all that would go with drafting an openly gay player to the NFL. He simply said he would not bring the issue to a team he was coaching implying it may be a distraction. I agree. Does that make us both bigots? Wow. Tony, keep exercising your right to make choices. We know you are not a bigot. No matter what the liberal media pulls. God Bless you.

tj

When It Comes To Boundaries- Kids Are Begging You To Draw A Line-

I was driving down the highway the other day realizing that I was in the middle of a crazy mess. To my left I have the daredevil motorcycles cruising in and out of lanes at 90 mph or more. To my right a very young and proud owner of a new sports car just waiting for someone to rev their engines just a little to loud….so a race could be born. Then somewhere in front of me doing about 50 mph in a 70 mph zone was a little old lady who must have been peeking out at the road from behind her steering wheel, as I could not see much of her head but I know she was in there somewhere. I even  think she flipped me a hand signal telling me I was #1 awhile back as she passed me. Thank God that we had a speed limit and directional signs on our roads. I cant imagine what it would be like wit no rules!S

A few months back I was listening to a radio show when the announcer began to describe a trip he recently took to a super-duper-double-high rise that he was considering buying a condo in. He described the journey up the elevator and how as he peeked out the windows the cars in the parking lot below looked like ants. They were so high up. One comical note, was when he said he was viewing the inside of the penthouse and admiring the view for miles over the ocean. Suddenly the guide called him over to the sliding glass door by the balcony, and motioned him to come on over and have a peek at the view from the balcony. He was very excited and hurried toward the door, and carefully made his way to the outside, totally stunned by what he saw. The view, was breathtaking and the height was amazing. One thing he had not counted on was that the condo was not completely done, and they had not yet put up the little railings that go around the balcony. The man noticed this and quickly his smile turned to a fearful look, and he scooted back inside the door as quickly as he could, catching his breath as he barely made it inside. He sure was upset at the guide for not warning him that the rails had not been installed and let the man know it. The guide responded by saying, ” But sir those little rails are there for cosmetic purposes, not for safety, surely you know they would not protect you from falling.”

When I was on the highway I was sure glad they had all the signs, speed limits and all posted. Who knows what the drive would be like if there were no road rules! Every man for himself. Now that would be scary, I sure was glad those boundaries were there. In the incident about the announcer and the balcony, it was the little railings missing that caused the man a great deal of anxiety because although the railings could never prevent anyone from falling over the edge, they sure gave some comfort to people who were standing by the edge!

We are adults and we are desperate for boundaries, as in the situations above. Imagine how much more children want and need us to set boundaries for them. When making rules and working with you children, be sure to provide them with plenty of boundaries. Don’t believe what they tell you ! They will tell you they don’t want any rules or boundaries. That is their job as kids, but we know better because we are adults and look how much we need rules and regulations to make us feel safe. Just a reminder for all of us parents to give the children what they really need, in spite of what they tell us..we know better!

 

tj